Please help me - I am really struggling with this

Different circumstances as my mother had a brain tumour, but when she went into care we dressed it up as a temporary thing while she got used to the idea. It’s so distressing for all involved.

We had a similar dilemma last year but my gran was 102. Fiercely independent and always very resistant. In the end a lady from the care home came out to see my gran. She told her to come for a little stay and told her she has a lovely room lined up for her. She spent about an hour taking about the past with my gran and really got to know her and her likes and dislikes. I felt really upset that we were somehow tricking my gran but she agreed rather reluctantly. It became very apparent how much help she needed very quickly after this and did pass away about 5 months later but they were wonderful and we saw her every day still. My mum is 78 so it was becoming too difficult for her to provide care at home and the real fear that she could fall and be in the floor for hours made up our minds.

Hi

I know how difficult this is.

Are you self-funding the care home or receiving an NHS contribution/top-up?

Is your Mum's GP aware? Does she have any formal diagnosis of dementia or equivalent?

Do you hold a Power of Attorney for your Mum? Health and Finance?

Any stay at a care home/nursing home usually includes a 'settling in period'. It is usually 6 weeks.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is to keep her calm and settled but say she is going to stay somewhere else for a while and she can see if she likes it. You could say it's an extended holiday and that the family will be with her each day.

Remember - you are acting in her best interests but yes it's heart-breaking.

You also need to look after yourself.

💐

Do you have LPOA?
I’d call adult social care and get some support say you’ve found a placement and wish to move her into it for her own safety - they were very helpful with my nanna when we moved her and she was very happy and settled once things calmed down.
it is very stressful tho but hopefully in time it’ll be the right thing for her ❤️

Dont mention it- if you don’t need to. Just pack a few things for her and say you’re off somewhere nice for a little while and stay vague. She won’t remember anyway so avoid the distress all round by just placating her for now. It’s very sad but better all round this way.

I just wouldn't tell her until the day itself. If youre packing up etc its just organising, having a spring clean and so on. Don't keep repeating the conversation until it's time to make the move.

Tell her that she needs it for respite for a period of time and when she’s better she might return home. Hopefully she’ll forget it’s a temporary thing with her memory loss. For my Uncle, the care home advised this approach and it worked a treat.

i would set the wheels in motion to get the diagnosis of dementia in place - this took 6 months for my uncle as they needed the evidence.

It’s absolutely necessary for their own welfare (and your own sanity), so do not feel guilty.

I have vowed to never put my kids through this situation when I’m elderly. I’ll check myself into a care home when needed

I agree don’t tell her until the day and even then you could say something like “you’ve had a fall and the doctor needs to keep an eye on you while you recover” older people will often have far more respect for a doctor’s opinion.
Theyre white lies to keep her calm rather than deception

Convalescence hotel, not a care home.

I used the words ‘convalescence home’ for my mum.

Hoping you get through this terrible time somehow 💐

Be careful how you describe it as "temporary". We described it as convalescence with my dm, who stayed 24 hours and then called a cab and went home.

All very well saying that but you don’t always know you are ill. My DM has dementia, she doesn’t have a clue. Thinks her memory can be a bit iffy but nothing more than that.

She can’t remember that DF has died, can’t remember what she ate 5 minutes ago, indeed quite often hasn’t eaten at all but is convinced she has and will tell us in great detail what she ‘ate’. Same questions over and over, doesn’t know what day it is.

@Middleagedmanagement if she can’t remember the conversation probably best not to keep mentioning it. It’s tough but you may have to be deceptive

This sounds sensible or holiday. But yes, telling her it’s just until she regains her strength.

I echo what others have said. Don't keep discussing it now as it obviously isn't sinking in and is probably distressing both her and you. Just get everything ready and when it's time to go, say you're taking her for a visit to your home. Once in the car she'll possibly even fall asleep and not realise how long of a drive it is. When you pull up at the care home, say you're both just going in for a look around. I'm certain you're going to have hiccups whatever you do, but it's important that you don't burn yourself out. I wish you and your DM all the best. It's a difficult thing to manage as none of us like to see our parents in distress.

Also. Repeating all the time is just part of what you have to do. So boil it down to a short sentence or two that you can repeat without stress. ‘You do need more help these days Mum’ was one of the ones I used. It is pointless and a waste of your energy to keep going into lots of detail.

I don’t believe in telling lies BUT when my mum went into a residential home, I did. One day she said that she wanted to go home (it had been sold to pay for her care) so I said to her ‘has the doctor said that you can go home?’ She looked a bit puzzled so I told her to ask him next time she saw him, knowing that she would not remember.
We had bought a house very close to her and one day, as I was going round for the third time that day, her neighbour said that my mum had been out looking for me as she’s had not seen me for ages. I went home and cried and we started looking at homes.

My widowed aunt was physically frail but fully aware of all that was going on. When she agreed to live in a care home, it was "to see how it goes". She moved in, in the November. We persuaded her to stay for Christmas, then over New Year, then for an event the home was planning. Thank goodness we did because Covid struck in the March and she was definitely in the best place while we were unable to visit.

Sell it as a trial 'respite' and a bit of a holiday. Get her there and see how she settles. She may love it. If she absolutely hates it then look at other options at that point.

Say as little as possible, and keep it simple, so there’s no need for questions and you can just keep repeating it easily. I used to just say ‘I don’t remember, I’ll check’, or something similar, knowing she’d forget she asked. Don’t get into an argument, she’ll forget it 2 minutes later anyway. I always kept convos vague, there was no point in giving detail. Will you never have a normal conversation again, probably not tbh, this is it now and it will get worse, best to be prepared. We didn’t tell my mum she was moving to a care home, I think we said she was just visiting. It didn’t matter what we said, she didn't remember anyway. I wouldn’t get stressed about ‘lying’, the whole thing is way more stressful for the adult children than the parent anyway - you’ll remember the stress etc way longer than she will, and you need to be strong and protect your own sanity.