I dream that they will die and I feel bad

Does anyone have power of attorney for health and welfare? If not do the parents have capacity to grant this?

I invoked this when it was proposed that my late OH should be blue-lighted to hospital for iv antibiotics. His life was hell ... total physical incapacity and severe and terrifying paranoia due a neuro degenerative illness. All treatment options had failed. I asked that he stay where he was (nursing home) and be allowed to slip away in peace which he did.

I talked with my family and they were all in agreement. The PofA had been signed many years before. I would urge anyone whatever age, to organise this.

Sounds horrific. You have nothing to feel guilty about it’s clear you love your relatives and just don’t want this existence for them. It’s ok to say no to the GP they aren’t god. We had similar when my gran had her stroke my mum kept being guilted into agreeing ABs and for what, to prolong her life of misery

Of course you want them to die. I want them to die and haven't even met them. This is a terrible existence for them and you.

There is no form of dying that will be fun. Everyone has to die of something. The number of people who die peacefully in their sleep with no underlying health issue is small.

The issue at this age, and I’m facing this with my own parents, is the least painful least drawn out death. On that score dying relatively quickly of infection is preferable to a long drawn out death from cancer or dementia or heart failure.

I feel quite unlucky as my mum was abusive to me growing up. I then met and married a lovely man who died young. (47.) Daughters are lovely, so I'm lucky in that respect. Both parents still alive. Dad in a nappy and having constant infections, treated with anti bs.

Abusive mum still going strong but furious my dad can no longer give her the princess treatment and demanding me and my sister do. Social services phoned as the hospital overheard my mum bullying my dad in hospital and made a safeguarding referral. They probably expected me to say "Aww she's usually lovely. Must be stressed." But I said she's always been a bully and it used to be directed at me and she has a Jekyll and Hyde character. (She has a sweet public face which usually fools people.)

That was a ramble but I feel unlucky that we lost lovely dh but horrible mother still gets to cause havoc and be a burden.

As someone who watched cancer slowly pick away at their mother piece by piece for 4 years I absolutely understand your situation. When she finally passed after a horrific few weeks in hospital it was like a black cloud had disappeared to reveal bright blue sunny skies. The sheer magnitude of it was palpable for all the family, feeling that way wasn’t because we were evil people it was because we were loving family members who took on the burden of her ordeal so she wasn’t alone. You’re doing the same and it’s not selfish or evil to be looking forward to not seeing them in pain and misery.

Chin up OP they’ll be so proud of you.

Dying from an uti means dying from sepsis. Thats not pain free, quick or easy

I think that’s normal. You don’t want your parents to die because you’re a bad daughter you just want the stress and upset to stop.

I’m feeling the same and I feel awful about it. My dad has Glioblastoma and it’s slowly taking everything from him. They gave him a few months in January but he’s actually declined a lot slower than they thought. He’s now virtually bedridden and my poor mum is having to do a lot of his care which is difficult when she’s half his size. He’s asked her to kill him and he just looks so unhappy when I visit, it breaks my heart. He’s just sat waiting to die.
I hope he dies in his sleep every night so it can end for him and for my mum, her life is on hold too.

It’s a lot quicker than dying slowly from cancer or dementia.

MY lovely, gentle FIL went into a care home (under duress) middle of last year. He had mixed dementia & deteriorated dramatically whilst in the home. We did feel though that he was well cared for, the staff knew his like# and dislikes etc. but there came a point when they said they didn’t want to keep prescribing antibiotics for his various minor infections, as they were really not working. WE agreed wholeheartedly as prolonging his pretty miserable life was pointless. ( we did have DOLS in place). In the end they provided palliative care which lasted 9 days. Honestly it was ghe best for him and also his family. He was looked after really tenderly and we all visited whenever we wanted. We have huge respect for his care home for the dignity they gave him.

My parents are late eighties and declining but fighting it every step of the way. I am truly astonished by the amount of medical interventions that they have had or will have. My father in particular sees his GP virtually every week and it's a constant merry go round if this test, that test, this medication, this appointment. Occasionally I think that it's likely they will outlive me mainly because I'm absolutely exhausted dealing with them. I'm determined that when I get to be truly ancient I'm not inflicting this nonsense on my children.

No wonder it’s a seven week wait for a GP appointment where I am!

I, too, can’t believe how often my “D”M goes to the GP for something or other, whereas I struggle to get an appointment at all. It’s causing problems at work with people having to be off sick
and unable to even access medical
care for weeks.

@realdeal7393
if it helps, the time there was a genuine emergency with my “D”M I was unable to drive for medical reasons so had no way of getting there.

The paramedics and hospital dealt with it all, she had to manage with what could be purchased at the hospital shop (her own fault for refusing to “put the neighbour out” who had offered to pick up some things for her). Everybody survived.

Goldenballs sibling decided he was too busy to drive over and help in any way.

don’t feel guilty it’s totally normal to feel this. My DM lives with us and has zero quality of life and has had none for the last 3/4 years. She has advanced dementia, totally bedbound. She would hate this.
now when people ask about my DM I just say she’s waiting to die and really this is what it feels like. It is also what I really want. Luckily my GP is very understanding and we have an agreed ceiling of care for mum. She has been taken off all prophylactic meds, such as for high cholesterol, aspirin etc but this was 4 years ago now.
Really it’s very painful and feels very cruel and totally understandable to want this all over. Lots of hugs!

I am with your DH. My family continues with holidays and will not cut them short should we get that call. You have to carry on living your life.

Totally normal, I cared for my MIL who had terminal cancer I spent many months wishing she would die. She was in absolute agony and had zero quality of life, no pain killers would touch the pain and she couldn't move - the doctors at the hostipal just kept trying to prolong her suffering. It was the GP who convinced her to do a DNR and got her into a hospice and thank goodness they did as she quietly slipped away. Think the hospice may of overdosed her on morphine.

On the holidays thing I realise that I have been considering length of holidays and how we would get back for 12 years now. As an only DC I don’t think I would have much choice except to come back, especially when the first one goes. DH said if it happens when we are in Cyprus later this year we shouldn’t come back, but I couldn’t leave either of them alone in that situation even though they are in the care home.

I know I sound heartless and clinical, but frankly I am almost beyond the point of caring much anymore. A friend our age recently had a stroke which made us realise our own mortality a bit more and also our capacity to do strenuous long haul trips will diminish in a few years.

As neither DPs were involved in their own DPs care, they were jaunting off to NZ as soon as they retired.

I think my DM will outlive me due to the stress inflicted this last few years. If I make it to old age (and have capacity) I am determined to spare my DC this.

I’m nearly 80 and hope my family never have to feel like this

I feel for you, OP. My own parents are in their 80s and I fear such a scenario.
For those interested in discussion around the issue of medically prolonging life at all costs, I highly recommend the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s very sensitively explored.

I feel like that as my dad had a terrible death due to dementia. I'm going to complete an 'Advance decision to refuse treatment' to ensure that if I can no longer advocate for myself, they can't give me antibiotics or use a feeding tube to keep me alive.

I'd love if it at a point when I don't recognise my own kids any more, I could be stuffed with morphine and just slip away.