I was thinking about my own situation.
Over the last 8 years I have run myself ragged trying to help and appease my elderly father who has always been a difficult person to deal with. He lives with my mum who has dementia (now in the advancing stages). My sister helps too, on a lesser level as she works full time but she still does a fair bit for them.
I admit we are probably our own worst enemies but the issue with dementia is that it starts so small and you are happy to help out a little, then a little more, a bit more still and suddenly 8 years have passed by, you take stock and realise your emotional and physical work load has increased to levels you never would have willingly taken on had you fully understood the 'assignment'!
I then look at my in-laws. they have two sons - DH and BIL. MIL was diagnosed with a rare cancer in 2018 the same year my mum was diagnosed with dementia and whilst I was attending every appointment and getting all the help and info I could for my parents whilst also doing all their life admin, washing, cleaning etc (dad went to pieces and still struggles), my poor in-laws were attending every medical appointment on their own, bewildered and not understanding much at all because DH works full time (although he did try to attend as many appointments as he could) and BIL is a lazy arse who, although not working at the time, felt it was too much for him. There were times when we would contact the in-laws to discover they had spend the night in A&E and they wanted to 'bother' DH or BIL.
Mil has sadly passed away and FIL is on his own. Last year he fell and laid for 2 days without anyone knowing this because unlike my sister and I who call our on our parents on the daily, DH only sees his dad once a week and BIL once a fortnight (he lives 5 miles away).
And today it's ME who is feeling terrible because FIL is having a cataract removed and has no one to take him, he will go on the bus and come back on the bus. I have a social services care assessment for my mum so can't do it but have told him if he is still in hospital when it has ended at 2pm to call me straight away and I will collect him. He won't though because he has become so used to his children not always helping him that he does it all himself, he is 85. I feel so bad for him.
My friend and her sil have in-laws nearby, both have dementia and both my friend and sister in law wash them, dress them and look after all their needs. They have three sons who all live nearby yet it's the wives caring for them.
My own mother did everything for her dad once my nan died, my father only popped in on his mum once a week at most when she was on her own, I went her saw her more than he did and I was in my 20's and working full time.
I notice on all the dementia support groups that the majority of unpaid carers for elderly parents are women. There are of course exceptions to the rule but most are women. I am even on a FB group called Dementia Daughters. You'd be very surprised to know that there isn't a Dementia Son's group.
It still seems to be a given that women will take on this load, my father thinks family should always help out but by 'family' I am sure he means 'women'. As I say, I didn't see him going out of his way to help my GP all those years ago.
I know things will never change unless we change them but I do think the elderly need to change their views. I will have it put in a living will that I do not want my own children caring for me should I become elderly, demented or just needing extra help, I would rather pay for that help or go into a care home.
Does anyone else feel the same way?