Compassion fatigue and feeling like a bad daughter

I have a friend whose mother is now in her mid 80's. She is reasonably good for her age health wise and is not on much medication. The main problem as my friend said to me is that some days she is extremely negative, just wants to complain about things and find fault. She then complains about the cost of things.
Along with this she has some cognitive decline and this can be worse at times.
She has a good pension and savings but has become very mean over the past few years.

My friend has given her mother advice over the years and she has refused to listen to this. She refused to move from a big family house in the countryside to one of the nearby towns. She won't get a key safe or falls alarm. She has nothing sorted out regarding care, who can access her bank account to pay the bills ect. The expectation is she can stay living at home and that her adult kids can provide care, be a taxi service ect.

My friend was chatting to a another friend who ended up as a carer for an elderly parent. Her friend told them to get a part time job so they won't be as available for care later. My friend saw a role recently and applied for it.
She is waiting for an interview and knows when the roles starts. She is keeping quiet about her plans until she has a job got. She said to me that her siblings can step up and sort things out if her mother needs care in the next few years.

I’m so glad to have found this thread. In recent years my mum always seems to want to be ill. She is constantly being tested for something and seems determined to have something. She recently participated in a medical trial for something and then complained about feeling down for having to attend lots of appointments but felt I was unsympathetic when I told her to leave the trial! After one set of tests for a cancer that she had no symptoms of, she got upset when a relative wasn’t happy that she’d received the all clear. I love her dearly but find the constant medical appointments (at least fortnightly) and updates depressing. It’s come to the point where I limit asking as it has an impact on my mental health

This thread has helped as I sit here feeling bad for feeling resentful that I spent about 6 hours of yesterday in Out of Hours and A&E waiting rooms with 80yo DM.
When DH turned up with my overnight bag and said "How do you feel DMiL, do you want to keep waiting?" , off we went home (After checking that yes, she can get referred back on Monday by her own GP.

@MadisonAvenue are you pleased you have moved? We are planning to do exactly the same thing. I have started planting the seed with my mum and she seems understanding so far. I started a thread about it a while ago, but like @AlexFurbison said lots of people replied to say how could I possibly think about moving away from my mother at her age. I don’t want to wait potentially years and years, I want to live my best life now!

I could have written this exact post but about my father. I find myself hoping he doesn’t live until his 90’s as I don’t think I can cope with it but then I feel so guilty for having those thoughts.

My Dad is 93, his health isn’t too good but he’s living independently and has been on his own since my mother died 4 years ago.

He’s difficult, and he’s unhappy. I find visiting him really draining. Until a few months ago we lived a 5 minute drive away so we were able to get there quickly should we need to, we’ve now moved an hour away to live near to our oldest son. I feel guilty about that but when we were thinking about moving we thought about staying in the area until my Dad was no longer with us but who knows how long that could be, and we’re both in our mid 50s and didn’t really want to be putting our lives on hold. That makes me feel selfish.

I have a sister who is much better at visiting and spending time with him than I am. Not quite sure how she does it.

We’ve said that if it was him who’d died first, my mother would’ve just got on with it. I feel resentful towards her for dying and leaving us with my Dad to deal with and that’s stopped me grieving her.

Just discovered, to my amazement, that my DM has been offered routine Covid and RSV vaccines. She’s 84, a lady of leisure, pretty fit, more affluent than me and miserable. Good grief, there’s no chance she’s not going to make it to 100. In the meantime, I may have expired with exhaustion!

I don’t phone only text!

Thanks @JumpLeadsForTwo I also resent the time I am losing with my kids and the fact that I have less ‘in the tank’ for them as my Mum is so draining.

I am lucky that I have people I can talk to IRL who get it, but online forums all seem to be full of people joyously supporting elderly family members - and most have it worse that me - so I thought there must be something wrong with me as I feel differently. This thread really helps.

When in the phone to my mother I used to just put it in the table then pick it up and make agreeing noises every now and then. Fortunately I only ever rang her once every few years so it wasn’t that taxing. She used to be the most negative and narcissistic person in the world but she now has dementia and is happy as a clam.

I live in a different country from her so see her once every 10 years. None of her kids live anywhere near her as none of us want to, as she would take over our lives if she could.

You aren’t awful, and there is nothing wrong with thinking these thoughts or saying them (to the right person/ anonymously wherever it feels safe to). It’s another emotional/ time load when we are at the stage of life where everyone in the immediate family needs something from us and it’s utterly draining. I really resent the time taken away from my DC when they are growing up and will leave home in the next few years. Less so for DH but he is still healthy at the moment so I hope I have many years with him. The people who say you are wrong for voicing your opinion/ your decisions about your mum’s care really cannot have been in the same position where all you get is negativity and you can see it continuing for years.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this @Scaredeycat (and to everyone who has commented). I feel exactly the same and have been questioning whether I am in fact just a bad person as I am overwhelmed and exhausted with my Mum's needs and negativity and have a visceral response when I go to visit her now.

She is in a care home so I'm not physically doing the care but I am (along with my sister) doing all the emotional support and decision making and it's so draining. My Mum is never happy - and I do understand that it's horrible to be in pain and in a care home - but she wants me and my sister to fill that hole and it's an impossible ask. I have teenage children and work and a husband who is dealing with some serious health issues and I want to give my all to them. And maybe to have a little bit left over for me.

I haven't posted about it before as I feared I would be judged for not just being grateful my Mum is still with us but it's so hard.

My Mum recently said "I could have 10 to 20 more years of this" and my first thought was "please God no". How awful am I?

God its not easy. They well into 90s on my mams road! I have good boundaries. My friend jumps to her mams commands. She 58. Very draining though.

It’s exhausting, and I hate the fact that I could have another 10-15yrs of this.

This is what really scares me - the fact that I have no idea how long this could go on for.

I’m currently living back in my expensive home city after moving here to help care for my dad before he died a few years ago.
I didn’t really have a plan for afterwards, but I would love to move abroad in the next year or two for an adventure.

However I feel so guilty knowing that my mother really doesn’t really have anyone else around - an aunt and uncle come to visit but they don’t live near and have their own health issues. I know technically it shouldn’t be my problem to solve - she has money to buy in any care she needs.

But it sounds awful to leave an 80 something year old with no family support and move to another country, but then if I do stay and she lives to 95 or something I’ll wake up in my mid 50’s having missed my chance.

My mother is very determined and stubborn and will take any and medication and interventions available, which is her right.

I know theoretically she could drop dead at any minute, so I should make the most of my time with her, but realistically it’s more likely she will on for a decade or so on more and more medication, just getting frailer.

Yep, I have one too, was like that when I was a child but has massively ramped up with age, dementia and self inflicted isolation. Having to see her much more often than I’d like as she won’t have carers/ go into a home and is only managing with a lot of propping up. I found the ‘how are you?’ Start of our conversations led her into a massive moan about everything to do with herself, so I try to think of a question about something else happening ‘have you heard what Trump has done?’ starts her on a rant, and always negative, but at least it’s not about her and I can tune out, and make vague ‘mmm’ noises. It’s exhausting, and I hate the fact that I could have another 10-15yrs of this.

Mine is also constantly negative and anxious… she is already on anti-anxiety meds but still every utterance is negative; a criticism or a worry.
i snapped back at her today, I’d just had enough.

So sorry I don’t really have advice, but it is so exhausting to deal with, I really empathise.

I do recall thinking as a teenager that she was always negative - so maybe it’s always been there, it just seems to have got much worse with age…

I wonder if we’ve always been placating our mothers to some degree..?

You likely feel guilt because she trained you to feel that way. I also grew up with a negative mother.

In most relationships, it's a two-way street. I'd limit interaction and remind yourself that she is not making an effort to be pleasant or grateful for your effort when guilt creeps in.

Sympathies op quite draining. 80s.. on bad days I zone out yes no answers. Always negative. I said my driver away abroad for easter and then her negative tone they had floods lol. Can see why people dont do caregiving. Its moan moan. Im supposed solve all her issues too. She wont spend money either

Oh OP I totally get it - my elderly mother is miserable and negative all the time, it’s so draining.

For various reasons my sibling is not involved, so I feel obliged to spend time with her as she doesn’t really have anyone else.

She’s in her early 80’s, generally in good health, a few minor ailments but nothing serious. However she just constantly complains, and it’s so draining.

The thoughts of having to deal with her for the next 10-15 years as she gets frailer, make me feel so trapped or something. I know she’s going to be a bit of a nightmare, she’s already so demanding.

She’s always been a bit grumpy, and my lovely, soft, kind hearted dad used to pander to her, but he died a few years ago, so there is nobody but me to listen to her.

I’m 41 and most of my friends’ parents are younger, and only just retiring - I envy them.

My mother also has more money now than she has ever had in her life, I know because I’ve helped her with her online banking. She has a widow’s pension, plus a chunk of my dad’s private pension, and about €100k in cash/ savings, oh and her mortgage paid off, and yet she complains if the price of tomatoes goes up by 5 cents or something. She really puts on the poor pensioner routine, I think she genuinely believes she is hard up.

She’s honestly become so miserable and penny pinching in the last few years it’s ridiculous. I wish she would actually spend some money and enjoy herself. When the time comes, I know she will resist paying for carers and expect me to step in and do it, but there is no way I’ll be doing that.

Sorry for the rant, there are sadly loads of us in this situation.

Another one with a very negative mother here. A couple of years ago, we had a big row. She was complaining about a roof repair. I said, again, how lucky she was she could afford it. She went mad and said all her friends (not a large cohort!) are sympathetic to her problems so why can’t I be…. I’ve stopped trying to cheer her up now. She has just changed her hairdresser to a wet cut as she put her price up a fiver. My mum has so much money, it’s ridiculous she will leave the salon with wet hair to save a fiver. I just agree and say good idea now.
When my dad died she went on antidepressants for a year. That was the best I have ever known her. She won’t go back on them unfortunately.

What is the cockroach cafe thread? I’ve dipped in at times but the conversation doesn’t seem to be about negative parents when I have looked!

God it’s distressing and exhausting.

I couldn’t be on my phone with my mum, I felt too guilty.

I did frankly distract myself with tasks while there. I agree with embroidery, repotting and watering plants, putting name tags in her clothes, slowly making a photo album of recently printed photos (with captions written while there). I tried to put up a bird feeder to give us something to look at but it got taken away again by the home. I took in DVDs of things called stuff like ‘Secrets of the Royal Gardens’ though I had to buy a dvd player as well.

@Scaredeycat come and join us…..https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5503705-cockroach-cafe-spring-to-summer-2026

This is hard and takes a lot of emotional strength from you. You are definitely not a bad person but it sounds like you are feeling un-necessarily guilty.

I bet if this was say a friend or acquaintance who was full of doom and gloom and self centred, you'd distance yourself pretty quickly - but you can't as she is your Mum and hence an obligation. There is no escape! Unfortunately I found the more elderly my parents became the more self absorbed and negative they became.

Ways I've found helps are to:

1. TUNE OUT and say lots of 'hmmmmm's, 'yeaahhhhhs', 'I understand', 'sounds awful', 'it is so unfair' etc etc
2. Respond any baiting comments with 'maybe so' (calms them down but doesn't mean that you accept what batshit things they say)
3. Put in discrete earbuds, cover with long hair and go to step 1 above
4. Have a TV/music/podcast on the background that you can divert your attention to
5. Play mindless games on your phone and go to step 1 above
6. Limit your meetings - eg 30 mins max
7. Space out your meetings eg once every fortnight
8. If you start feeling overwhelmed it is completely OK to make your excuses and leave immediately.

After every draining meeting, treat yourself to something nice with time alone to decompress. Be kind and compassionate to yourself.

Absolutely normal!

come to the Cockroach Cafe threads on here if you need to vent.

@HappyToSmile I tried the problem solving/ positive and it just got me more and nore frustrated as mine seems to want to wallow in the negativity
Boy does this ring bells with me today.

@Deerinflashlights I may steal that phrase.

I always think, what would one of the (many) male middle managers of my acquaintance do? Not bad people, but they had a certain Teflon air of self preservation. Wouldn't let their mum expire in a pool of wee, but tended to be ... Pragmatic rather than guilt-driven.

I used to be a person who attracted a lot of people who behaved similarly to your Mum. I felt responsible for being validating and constantly emotionally uplifting. I realised by doing that I was attracting these sorts of dynamics.

Once I hit my limit I stop them mid flow and say something along the lines of “I find these venting conversations are very unproductive and don’t seem to help, they don’t seem to resolve your issues and I find them draining so if you want to turn to look for some solutions I’m happy to do that but the venting needs to stop” it has revolutionised these types of relationships.

The family member has stopped doing it and the friends have found someone else to vent at.