What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

I’m sorry you’re going through this; I’ve seen this kind of sibling tension before and it’s so hard.

In my family, we had a similar situation, and here’s what helped us — maybe it’ll be useful to you:

Open talk: We all sat down and tried to map out what each of us can contribute (time, finances, tasks) rather than what each should. It doesn’t always work, but it helps clarify expectations.

Professional help: We reached out to a local social worker / aging support service to get an unbiased opinion on what our parent’s needs actually are.

Exploring care options: We discovered a site called Lottie.or, it’s a platform where families can compare home care services. Using it, we got multiple pricing options in our area. It helped reduce the “guesswork” when deciding who should pay for what and which care paths are realistic.

Cost-sharing plan: After seeing real quotes, my siblings and I agreed on a split that each could afford. We also set up regular check-ins to revisit if one of us is struggling.

Boundary & empathy: You have to recognise your limits. Caregiving can strain even the strongest bonds, so it’s okay to say no or renegotiate.

Wishing you peace and solutions.

My partners set up is similar - one parent left alive. Three siblings, eldest two then a big gap to the golden child third. The older two do nothing, youngest does it all despite having a younger family. However, the parent has given huge financial help to the youngest, that means they don’t have to work. So the elder two feel they are earning their “cash” and leave them to it. The elder two don’t have a great relationship with the parent anyway…I find it all really odd as I’d have done anything for my parents but it seems to be working out for them!

You can’t make someone do something they don't want to, and if they don’t do a good job you might as well have done it yourself i find! I’ve also observed the more siblings there are, the more the work seems to be left to one!

Ah yes I don’t have siblings, but I do know from my own experience and many others on the Elderly Parents board, that majority of elderly DPs unwilling to agree to paid for care under most circumstances until there is a crisis, or family carers put in boundaries for their own wellbeing.

Plus OP has said she doesn’t want to outsource- with hindsight maybe this is why other sibling isn’t getting involved. I do a lot for my DPs but I refuse to do personal intimate care for my DPs and would be very upset if I was told I would have to, also I really can’t stand staying over - I need to decompress after visiting for the sake of my own mental health.

If only money - of which my DPs have a ludicrous amount- could resolve the issue so simply.

Be transparent with your parents. Say me and siblings one will take it in turns to do 1/3 of your care each. Sibling 2 says s/he can't help so you will need to find £x to cover his/ her share of your care. We will organise it.

My db had moved overseas and nothing at all to help throughout the years of our family’s older generation declining and dying. He didn’t even bother coming home when my mum died, just left me handling all of it alone.

I have forgiven him as I still want a relationship but it will never be quite the same.

Now some years have passed, I have warned him that being alone overseas may be a risk when he is old and he needs a plan and savings for his care.

I suspect though that I will go and help or visit him when he’s in his worst state of health as I love him and he is my family, and I believe you should help the people you love.

Don’t be bitter, OP. The acid will only burn you, your sibling won’t even notice.

It may be that the siblings are already caring for in-laws and have no capacity to take on the care of another elderly relative.

You've only got to read the Cockroach Cafe threads on here to realise how difficult it is to care for elderly parents.

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You're going to find yourself more and more burdened by caring responsibilities OP.

It's very sensible of your sibling to state their boundaries from the off.

Women in their 60s are becoming seriously ill themselves, struggling to look after elderly parents, when they're retired themselves. It's not sustainable.

You don’t mention where these various people live. It’s one thing if you all live on the same street at your mother. Very different if you live next door, one sibling is 10 miles away, the other 200. Quite apart from differences they may have had growing up affecting their attitude towards parents, you may not know what is going on in the rest of their lives - adult children having a crisis at university or in a first job, caring for their in-laws, their pension isn’t big enough to be able to repeatedly travel to their parent’s house, their own health is problematic, they’ve got a new puppy they wouldn’t able to leave.

Ultimately, it’s up to each sibling how much or little they do, none of them get to dictate to the others. And caring can take many forms - you’re assuming a stay of several days for hospital appointments and after surgery care. But caring can also mean helping them to manage finances, order in a food delivery, helping them fill in a form or arrange care.

If someone doesn’t stay with them after surgery then they’d be kept in hospital, and maybe respite care offered. I won’t do personal care or medical appointments, and neither will my sibling. So when my parent had surgery, she was kept in for a couple of nights, then went to a care home for ten days for rehabilitation.

I have fallen out with my sibling for this reason. The utter selfishness was shocking. Even if it’s not for the parent, then do it for the sibling. But no

Perhaps they are just waiting until a bit nearer the time.
BIL is an odd one, emotionally stunted but had a bit of therapy and launching himself into his new life
He gate keeps information. SIL was the youngest and its always been about her so she always has and continues to swallow up time and resources.
I hope DH does enough to sit right but I won't be encouraging him to even do a third. We've not had the same support and our kids are always sidelined for other, louder GC. 20 years of the short straw of spare beds when visiting is the petty factor.
All three siblings would claim to be on a happy, supportive family but the cracks from childhood are there.

Of course your relationship with the non helping sibling will be damaged. Try to park your feelings about it to one side and focus on what matters.
You are lucky to have one sibling to share the load with, I am an only DC with two aging DPs one bed bound and one with undiagnosed dementia . They need more help than they are prepared to pay for, and live an hour away in good traffic conditions.It all sits on me. DH has been a huge help and is also going up to them, but as it’s just us it means we can’t do longer holidays until the situation resolves itself and no matter how much I/we do it’s never enough.

We each do what we feel comfortable doing. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that Imdid what I reasonably could. I assume my siblings feel the same way.

Your siblings are under no obligation to do anything, and it’s not your role to police that.

Do what you can, then stop and let your parents hire help to do the rest. And give your siblings the benefit of the doubt, that maybe they cannot help, for whatever reason, but that’s not for you to judge.

I’m with you op.. unless there’s been abuse, I can’t imagine not being there for my parents if I was able. I know people say on here you don’t owe your parents anything but I disagree.. I owe them my life and only have one set of parents.

It is totally up to you how much care you give your mother and it is totally up to your siblings how much care they give. You cannot decide how much another person does. Are you bossy and controlling? Your mother could have carers etc in. As parents of adult children we have decided that our children will not be doing our care. Why would you want anyone you love to give up their free time to look after you?

I’m lucky to have two siblings but I’m the one who lives close to Mum. I’ve known quite a few complete family feuds over care/funeral decisions about parents, one of which has remained complete no contact between 4 siblings for over 20 years - the main participants have now died themselves.

So it’s common, and there’s no guarantee that this would ever improve. Ultimately you can’t make people do what you have decided they should do. Tbh after one operation my Mum had it would probably have been better if she’d gone into respite care for a bit, she might have recovered better than she did in my care. I’m also a big believer in doing what really makes a difference for family to do, and to outsource as much as possible of the rest. When I had my dad in hospital, my mum deteriorating and trying to move, my godmother in hospital, my MIL in a nursing home, my FIL diagnosed with cancer and my ds still at school, while I was grieving my own Dh, I had to prioritise pretty hard and I’m sure I didn’t always choose what others would.

I don't want my child to have to do these things for me unless she actually really wants to, I'd rather her visit to see me and I fund taxis and carers around it. I want her to enjoy her life and not spend it like that.

What were your mums plans for coping as she aged?
What has she put in place? Carers, cleaners, gardeners, local taxi service, handymen, etc etc? Anything to relieve the indefinite burden off her busy family in the prime of their lives with jobs, children, life opportunities of their own. This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in care and help and leave our children free.
You’re entering a difficult phase. I wouldn’t judge anyone willing only to do the bare minimum. I’ve seen too many end up on antidepressants re elder care. Boundaries and self preservation are key.
And inheritance is irrelevant. Any input should be given with good intent or not at all.

I've not long since been in a similar situation - my mum had a bad fall and was in hospital for 2 weeks and essentially bed bound for another 6. My mum and I have been LC for about 4 years, partially driven by her complete indifference towards me, at the same time as running round after my sibling, endless childcare, cleaning, even doing their washing.

My mum's accident actually took place at my siblings house, and they have not lifted a finger. I asked them to get some clothing etc from my mum's house to bring to the hospital, they said they couldn't, it would be 'too hard' Of the 2 weeks she was in hospital, they visited twice.

Mum was then living with me for another 6 weeks, my sibling visited 5 times max, complained the single time they were asked to empty the commode, fell asleep on my sofa and demanded that I make them lunch.

When mum was finally well enough to move back to her own home, my sibling didn't do anything, they work very near my mum's home and use her driveway to park on, but still didnt pop in to see them at all, offer to get them shopping, take them out for a coffee.

I've gone from being very close to my sibling to barely able to look at them. I have my own very busy life, 2 children with additional needs, a high pressure job, a house to run but there was no consideration of that at all, the burden was mine alone. I've realized that we are related but I don't think I would choose to be friends if I'd just met them. I'm struggling with them as a person that I've just seen take and take, and I've realized will always take and take as much as they are able. It's made me quite sad, and I feel like I'm almost grieving the person I thought they were, or the person they used to be.

You can think you are fully aware of the relationship each sibling has with the parent and everything that is going on in the sibling’s life, but you are not. Being able to be a caregiver is a highly personal decision. Sometimes the only possible answer is no.

My take on it is that you should decide the amount you want to do, regardless of what your siblings are doing. None of you are obligated and it’s really annoying when people start playing the martyr and making demands of their siblings.

Me and my siblings do different amounts for our parents, my oldest brother does the most, me second and my other brother doesn’t do much at all. We are all happy with those amounts, independent of what the others are doing so none of us feel resentful. We are close and see each other often.

Awful op but what can you do. Im one of 3 we all help. Could not imagine leaving one doing it all.. my friend 8 them only 3 did anything. Brother law his siblings abroad so zero help there. God hard going isnt it. So much pressure if nobody helping

I think you can't dictate what other adults should or shouldn't do, just do what you want to do, and also encourage taxis, carers etc
They are not morally obliged whatever you may think.

It is ultimately a choice for each of you to make, based on the time and the emotional resources that you each feel able to give.

I do everything for my dad. My sibling does next to nothing. The people who care about me are often outraged by the perception that she isn't doing her fair share, but I choose not to look at it in that light. It doesn't help me to be angry, and I am not standing in her shoes. So I choose not to judge.

We have each made the decisions that we feel are right for us at this particular time. Either of us may choose to do things differently in the future, or not, as the case may be. I cannot force my dsis to help, and I wouldn't actually want to. Nobody is forcing me to do what I do either.

Caring for elderly parents is tough, and it isn't for everyone. We all have to set our own limits.

Did the sibling who doesn’t want to help give any reason at all? Or did she just say no? I’m not sure that it makes a difference, but at least there might be some reason OP? Did she suggest an alternative eg more private care or residential care.