Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time @Seasaltsquall, it is okay to back away if you need to. Do come on over to the new thread to rant away some more x

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5428508-cockroach-cafe-winter-2025

Just need to rant. Every day, my head is talking at me that I should be seeing to, calling or taking an interest in my DM. I can’t do it. Well I can, but only for a short period of time. I can’t stand her. There I’ve said it. No bad childhood, just emotionally retarded. Authoritarian. I’m aware others have had much worse. I adored my DF, now he’s gone it is clear he was the ‘family fun buffer’ - it feels like we’re falling apart. Had many years of caring for Ddad - to my mother’s high expectations and I hate her for it.

Yes, absolutely! We are in the aftermath of losing both MIL and FIL to dementia and cancer over a 4 year period and just looked at each other with wry and sad smiles at some of the detail.

I've been meaning to put it on. Thanks for reminding me.

Is anybody watching Riot Women! ? I watched the first episode tonight and a little of the second and found it very poignant. Sally Wainwright nails things so realistically and this seems to be another gem.

I'm glad to read your update @Dormit

That all sounds very positive for your mum and for you.

The care assessment went very well and they are putting in long term care. The SW told mum that it was too much for me to be doing so much and he was really lovely. She had her first physio appointment post-op and is doing great. She’s got more exercises to do and I’ll be making sure she does them. I’m taking her out somewhere special next week to a craft activity and although she’ll struggle to walk around she will benefit hugely from getting out and doing something to challenge herself and also meet new people. I’ve told her she can’t just fester on the sofa.

To those needing to step back: it’s a scary feeling but do it. I’ve been so much happier since things calmed down after I started saying no. Mum hasn’t come to any harm and social services have stepped in to help with meals. There’s no one to do any of the other things but knowing that there’s someone twice a day going in is a weight off my mind. If I’m ill or need a rest I know she’s got two calls and although she might feel lonely she’s not going to be harmed by me not being there.

@bigbootsweather Thanks, yes, I have really enjoyed having a break from the misery. I know i probably sound like a self-absorbed heartless cow, but the only response i have had for getting on for a year if I ask how DM is is 'absolutely dreadful', or words to that effect. I'm sure it's worse for her to feel like that, but compassion fatigue is a real thing. I feel like i am trying to avoid being dragged down with her, and sometimes failing.

Similar to you @Rookiemere, we had a bit of financial luck a couple of years ago, so it's not desperate that I work flat out. Having said that, the money is in DH's name and was a gift from his family, so I feel a bit vulnerable in that i have very little in the way of personal savings and not much of a pension either. I'm 55 too and I want to work and be independent. How is the stepping back going? I really want to do that, but DM seems to be going downhill fast and DF (89) can't really cope I don't think, even with two carer visits per day. I phoned last night and he said they're missing me.....

@Tupperwarelid agree with others, try again suggesting respite care. Think I may have to do the same for DM....

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume it is very much needed! And thank you@BestIsWest for this one - it's a life saver.

New thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5428508-cockroach-cafe-winter-2025

I think we gave too much weight to what MIL said when we were in this situation so I understand what its like. FIL was wearing dirty clothes, not eating properly, undermedicated and behaving quite erratically but MIL insisted they were fine. He is much happier ( and fatter!) since he went into a home.

I think you are going to have to push it then for your DH's sake or the dashes up the motorway will still carry on.

@Tupperwarelid unfortunately the only thing that will make MIL realise how precarious the situation is is if your DH stops going every time there is a crisis.

That is difficult to do in the moment, so perhaps he needs to research other options and send an email or message whilst everything is calm, plus see if they can get a social care assessment. He needs to be blunt about the impact on him and his family of these late night mercy missions, particularly as winter creeps up and even if he wants to do the trip it may not be possible due to poor weather.

@funnelfan @StillNiceCardigan we have wondered if this would work but in the past when respite care has been discussed she has been worried he wouldn't settle again when he came home. MIL honestly seems to have an argument against any suggestion we make!

@Tupperwarelid do you think MIL would be more agreeable if it was positioned as a respite stay for a short time, with the unstated aim of making it permanent?

Could you just suggest FIL goes into a home for some respite care? We did that on the premise that MIL needed a break and he would come out after 2 weeks. It ended up being a permanent move as it became obvious then that MIL couldn't look after herself never mind FIL but the original intention was that he would come home which made it easier for everyone to accept.

Any suggestions how to convince MIL that FIL needs to go into a care home? FIL has dementia, is constantly trying to leave the house to "go back to his home and family" or go to work, is hardly eating and is now getting to the stage where he can barely wash and dress himself. MIL calls DH for support and for him to go and help except we live 200 miles away at it's normally a 4 hour drive at least.
She rang early on Saturday morning saying she needed him to go in home and this would be the last time she did this. By the time DH came home on Monday night, things were on an even keel again and she said she could manage. We got a call yesterday afternoon from her saying he was trying to escape again and she couldn't manage and DH has gone back to them. He is an only child so no support from anyone else.
This morning she is back peddling again about him needing anymore care or to go into a home. I'm at work trying to do university open days with our Year 13 child and DH is up there barely sleeping and trying to WFH and sort everything out.
It's a nightmare. What can we do?

I have a similar issue myself. My work contract ended mid August and because of a previous voluntary redundancy payment, I don’t absolutely have to work. I am age 55 and have no intention of retiring just yet but am looking for something part time as DPs live an hour away and I am the only DC. Because I had a bit of extra time and they are so frail, I upped the visits, but soon realised they were using it to not get other help in and perpetuate their belief that they are still managing just fine.

It was the last visit that DH made that really made me pull back. A charity was there offering all sorts of free support and if DH hadn’t been there they would have refused the lot ( apologies I may already have mentioned this upthread).

I managed to speak to DMs doctors and as a result got her slotted in for a CT scan prior to her neurology appointment and texted her about it. On the phone she was pleasant and thankful and even asked me about my job hunting, almost like my old DM prior to all of this. I think she realised that she had become too demanding.

So I am strictly keeping myself for medical appointments where I am needed - there is enough of these to be a regular presence anyway.

@NDornotND I hope you are enjoying the peace of your few days away. I picked up on your comment that you are 'Self employed and much too flexible'. I have the same issue- it's very difficult to navigate isn't it? Because I have full control of my work hours etc I've been able to take time out when there's a real crisis (eg when my late father was very ill), can arrange things around her medical appointments and can make/take phone calls during the working day. But it's hard to get Mum, other family members and HCPs etc to understand that I DO work and I can't be available 24/7. Particularly as she doesn't really want external help or help from other family members so she will happily say tell everyone she doesn't need anything because Bigboots looks after her.

@tobee use the Do Not Disturb setting on your phone for good. Remember you're not a doctor, nurse, paramedic or social worker (I assume!), so if there really WAS an emergency, you would, should, not be the first person to be called.

Would it be worth establishing a phone routine where you call her once a day, let her moan for N minutes, then say, "love ya Mum talk tomorrow" and then "miss her calls" the rest of the time because you are v v busy/deaf/left your phone in the other room etc ?

So my mum & dad have had carers from the nhs arrangement; 2 lots after different hospital admissions, private carers as well. They have all had the code for my parents key box which has never been changed.

Do you think that's risky? It's a lot easier to keep it as it is but is that ridiculously naive?

DM has been daily (at least) ringing to moan/complain about petty things and I'm just finding it sapping my ... I don't know what... but it's just crappy. I keep trying to problem solve but often it's just awkward stuff and no clean solution.

I know mum has probably just used dad (who's not really available for that) as a quick moan outlet in the past so she's missing that and it's probably a useful distraction for her than to think about the bigger issues. But when it's elicited a phone call from her to me it's seems like a bigger issue.

One of the things she said today was that the private carer didn't arrive. I looked at the app, saw that the carer came as promised and the write up mentioned my mum. Mum was amazed! She had thought that that carer was the NHS one!!

My sister and I messaged each other in great detail about how we should respond to mum's current moaning spell. Yet when she rang today I was slightly snappy which hadn't been what I meant to do. But at that second I was worrying about 2 things in my life that need sorting. Every time the phone rings and its mum's name flashing up I prepare myself for "your father's deteriorated" or worse. And then it's something about the bins or whatever. It's been a while since she and I had a chat. I was going to ring tonight but I just felt exhausted.

Actually, the last time she rang not to moan was at the start of last week. And that was to talk about it being the (nearly 30th) anniversary of my stillborn daughter. So I really can't complain and I know she was deeply affected by that event and is upset that it upset me.

Now I'm reduced to tears thinking about it.

@Juneday , you said ..accused a career of coming into her place at night... Guess what, I got that today. She'd woken up, heard the front door click, and something something the young carer who was there at bedtime might have come back and spent the night in the spare bedroom?
I said it seemed much more likely that she'd dreamed it. But will suggest she gets a Ring doorbell - one with the videos in the cloud, she can afford the sub - and then if there are any worries we can check. All we saw today was a pair of JWs.

The gardener was giving her a sob story but I sternly said, "he.is.an.adult. do.not.make.his.problems.your.problems". Though if he was hoping to get extra tips out of her he's got the wrong woman! She did, back in the day, have a light-fingered cleaner, nasty, but it means she's realistic about employing people.

I retain slight hopes of her getting out to some activity eventually - she tearfully admitted to having got very isolated over the last few years - but tbh it's more likely she'll up the care hours. That works too! The more socialisation the better IMO, however it happens.

We went to a mobility shop and tried out rollators as recommended by her OT... I am not sure WHY, as (see above) she rarely leaves the house and does ok on the flat with her walker. But the shop visit itself got her out of the house! So it was worth encouraging.

I thank the good lord she doesn't care about where the carers come from. As long as they don't bug the cat, don't burn the toast, and put the rubbish out properly. She uses speech-to-text for messaging, so sometimes it picks up the carers too, and they seem to be as patient and cheerful when I'm not there as when I am.

The sky box has been packed up and I'll drop it off, a new microwave set up and the old one in our boot bound for the tip, bills checked, docs shredded, her husband's last credit card paid off.

I arranged the next visit for a fortnight's time and she said, "are you sure?"
I forbore from pointing out that it had been less than 3 weeks since our previous visit and we'd had tears today, I'd had to get the neighbours round a couple of days ago, there's been dark mutterings about a carer surreptitiously sleeping there overnight.. basically if we don't go round every fortnight the wheels fall off very quickly. It's worth dedicating 1 day of 14 to have peace of mind the other 13.
This is the problem a lot of people face when they're told, "go travelling/enjoy the kids/grow your career while you can" - which I totally understand and I don't think they're wrong per se! - it's just, if everything goes titsup while you step away from the spinning plate... The prospect changes. It's no longer "travel/kids/job", it's "3 nice days away, then 2 spent on the phone, then a premature return"/"doubly upsetting the kids cos you abandoned a promised treat half way through"/"trying to concentrate in a meeting while dreading what might be in the voicemail that's waiting for you when you get out". So, you know... What can you do.

I have managed to escape for a few days. I am doing a course for work that requires me to attend full time for 3 days (well, 5 days in total, but 3 days this week). The carers have been going in twice a day since Monday. Coincidentally (🤔) DM pressed her fall alarm at 5 am Monday morning... So, I went over. She was in pain and said she couldn't get out of bed. I called 999 and an ambulance came very quickly. When the paramedics were there, she did get out of bed. They wanted to take her to hospital, due to high BP and an irregular heartbeat, plus the pain, but she refused to go. Anyway, I settled her and left to go on my course and haven't been back since..(the guilt!) I did speak to them on Monday evening and DF said they were OK and not to worry. The GP had been out and given DM antibiotics for a urine infection. DM said she felt dreadful (she always does...). I haven't contacted them since, but can see the comments from the carers on an app and DM and she is continuing to tell them how unwell she feels. I am dreading going over there again, or even calling. It has felt like such a luxury to actually be able to focus on work for once (self-employed and much too flexible). I need to let the carers take over day to day and stick to doing their numerous appointments, sorting medication, and occasional 'fun' things, but i have a feeling DM is going to make that as difficult as she possibly can. It's so stressful.

@Dormit just from what you've said on this thread, it sounds like you're eligible for PIP.

Don't be surprised or upset if they award you zero points. Just do the mandatory reconsideration, and then the full appeal. I went from zero points to being awarded PIP myself, although the whole process took 18 months. I did get a great deal of back pay though. 🤣

@DormitI was wondering how my DPs would react to many of DMs carers being different nationalities, as they - particularly DF - are very racist. DF gets round it by steadfastly ignoring them all and DM doesn’t seem bothered by it. As we are in Scotland and it’s free, their natural stinginess has overcome their other reactions.

Take care of yourself please, it sounds like there are lots of eyes on your DM and even if the care isn’t perfect it’s probably good enough, which is sadly the only state I aim for with DPs these days.