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Elderly parents
Original poster

Why is my mother so stubborn

33 replies

Canjo · 17/11/2024 12:15

Are all older people like this?

Christmas is coming up and there is a child in the family but lives abroad with my brother and wife abroad. We usually send a Christmas parcel.

We know Christmas has been coming for weeks now. My mother is struggling with a gift.

I mean like, there is some excuse for me not having a gift on time for the postal dates. If you saw my work secudule from September it was sutterly utterly sickening and there's no end in sight to it. I have to take sick days most weeks to get a break from it. Otherwise work would have me working 6 days a week - 10 to 15/16 hours a day.

I did find something online and I saw sitting for delivery now.

I gave my mother an idea for a gift. I found a gift box from IKEA that it a colour in and it's a wildlife theme. I did buy it. I gave my mother any idea to maybe fill it with some colours, as one example. Or she gets some jewellery.

My mother was extremely critical of all and of the suggestions that I gave her.

I tried online shopping before but from their country and it doesn't usually go very well. A lot of shops just don't take my card. We can't send cash in the mail but I know my mother ignores that every single year. She will put cash in a card and she will not declare it. It's not 5 or 10 pounds cash. It's more like 100 or more.

I know Amazon is likely the best option however my mother has no cut off point when it comes to stuff. I think a 100 would be more than enough for a gift card but she's someone who would do 500 gift card or more and it's just too much. My brother and his wife, they don't usually shop like that either. They prefer physical shops and they have no use for such a large Amazon voucher.

I'm so disappointed because my mother has argued with any suggestions that I made. She was overly critical of everything.

Now at this stage, I will say no more about it and she's on her own. She can organise a gift of she wants and just leave me out of it. It's up to her if she wants to send a gift or not and upset her grandchild.

It shouldn't be so hard.

OP posts:
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BlueLegume · 25/11/2024 21:20

@Canjo do not go

MissMoneyFairy · 25/11/2024 20:44

Then don't go. Say you've already got plans and don't enter into an argument with her. What's the worse that can happen.

Original poster
Canjo · 25/11/2024 20:01

My mother came to me this morning and she issued a demand of me to keep Saturday free to go into town and help her Christmas shop.

This should be a lovely day out together but I know her so much. She's only going to become rude and sarcastic and snarly at me. She wants me to help her shop for a Christmas gift. But I also know her too in that she is going to criticise anything I may show her. I also know her in that when she gets off the bus in town she will go to her routine shops out of habit and it won't necessarily be any other shops like a gift shop or tow shop or other artistic shop or arts and crafts shop.

I think she should be going into town twice maybe this week and break it up. Do your usual stuff and then another day dedicated solely to gift shopping.

She will never appreciate anything that I will do though and she will only just use it as an opportunity to breath down my neck and insult any ideas that I may have. I already gave her an idea that she wrote off which would be perfect and that was a colour in gift box and fill it up with a box of coloured pencils and other things as an example.

She came to me this summer to ask her to help her with something and when I did all she did was bark abuse at me - 'NOW THAT WASN'T SO HARD NOW WAS IT?' from her.

All Saturday will be, will be an opportunity to be rude and sarcastic and snarly at me. Why should I help her when she's like this to me?

I would normally jump at the chance of helping but the very idea of this is stomach churning.

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 20/11/2024 13:02

Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:42

I wanted to start my Christmas shopping back in October but work took an awful fucking dump on me. Only by chance I got something online during the week and I am waiting on delivery now. I was hoping to go shopping yesterday but I was genuinely too ill and now I am back to work yet again. I only have next weekend to top up my own Christmas shop and then that's it.

My mother has all the time in the world to get this done but she has t even started. She doesn't know what to get. I made suggestions but she critised all of it.

It doesn't matter op, you need to find some strategies to stop being bothered. So she doesn't like your ideas fine, the present won't go, not your problem. She complains and blames you, you need to let it roll off you. You are endlessly frustrated by her, it's that you need to work on, the present is a red herring.

Original poster
Canjo · 19/11/2024 11:41

Yesterday, my mother said to me - maybe you can find something on black Friday sales for X as a Christmas present but I don't know how to use the internet so it's back to you I'm afraid.

She hears ads all the time about sales and deals and she wants to get stuff but she doesn't know what. She has no list made for black Friday sales. In relation to the Christmas present buying she has no idea what she wants or what she's looking forward. She just wants me to wander online for her but she wants to maintain as much control as possible over it too. So she expects me to browse in front of a screen and show her etc. I tried that before and it doesn't work. There's too much and she becomes too overwhelmedand angry. I gave her some ideas already for gifts but she was just critical of it all. She expects me to magic gifts out of thin air while she critisies everything.

I'm not talking to her about black Friday and I am not saying anything to her and I should direct her back into the city. She will just have to go shopping in town. The answers is not all online.

The worst thing is she won't let me help or get something from her because she wants to maintain control but she wants me to help her in other ways and i just don't have time for this. Especially she will never be greatful or happy for any help that I would give.

OP posts:
Riapia · 17/11/2024 19:51

Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:11

I am not judging or bullying her. She would send cash unregistered in the post and that is just now wise, at all.

Hope you never start then.

BIWI · 17/11/2024 19:33

Old people are annoying.

WTAAAF?!

DeliciousApples · 17/11/2024 18:57

Ask the relatives what the child would like.

That way you can tell your mum that
"xyz has been suggested by the parents who said child would love it. Do you want me to get it?"
If she says yea then go ahead. If she says no tell her you're going to get it from yourself then and will aim to post by x date so if she wants to send her gift then too she can let you know.

Ball in her court. Old people are annoying.

notatinydancer · 17/11/2024 15:59

@Canjo you don't have to work 6 days a week at those hours. It's illegal.

tallegorical · 17/11/2024 15:52

There's some chaos in the way you talk about this that seems more than just a busy job. Are you ok?

It doesn't sound like you're able to set boundaries for yourself, either with work or with your mother.

Sure others will disagree but I'm getting a neurodivergent flavour from you and quite possibly your mum here - sounds like a real difficulty with organisation, task initiation, etc.

If your mum wants to send a gift along with you, draw out a visual calendar of the days between now and the date you are posting it and highlight the deadline day for her. Then post yours on the deadline day and if she isn't ready let her post hers late.

Original poster
Canjo · 17/11/2024 15:19

She wants to send a joint parcel. At this stage I am secretly planning on just finishing my own Christmas shop (hopefully next weekend) and just boxing up my own and sending it without telling her.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 15:00

Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:54

Theres last posting dates in two and half weeks to the rest of the world.

She hasnt even started shopping and she she doesn't know when she's going to do it. She's not working. She's retired. There's no excuse in the world how she's left it this late. The thing that annoyed me is that she became extremely critical of any suggestions it ideas I made when she asked for my help.

She's hasn't a notion to get any of it. It just looks bad how she can't organise this on time.

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Then just leave it, you're the only one getting wound up, step back and don't get involved, none of this matters.

Original poster
Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:54

MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:45

Then step back, the worse that happens is the child doesn't get a gift on time. It's not even December yet, you've plenty of time to do your shopping.

Show quote history

Theres last posting dates in two and half weeks to the rest of the world.

She hasnt even started shopping and she she doesn't know when she's going to do it. She's not working. She's retired. There's no excuse in the world how she's left it this late. The thing that annoyed me is that she became extremely critical of any suggestions it ideas I made when she asked for my help.

She's hasn't a notion to get any of it. It just looks bad how she can't organise this on time.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 17/11/2024 13:50

She has loads of time.
Chill!

MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:48

Are you bank or agency staff, you can resign and look for a permanent job with a set number of working hours. There are always jobs for carers.

MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:45

Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:42

I wanted to start my Christmas shopping back in October but work took an awful fucking dump on me. Only by chance I got something online during the week and I am waiting on delivery now. I was hoping to go shopping yesterday but I was genuinely too ill and now I am back to work yet again. I only have next weekend to top up my own Christmas shop and then that's it.

My mother has all the time in the world to get this done but she has t even started. She doesn't know what to get. I made suggestions but she critised all of it.

Then step back, the worse that happens is the child doesn't get a gift on time. It's not even December yet, you've plenty of time to do your shopping.

Original poster
Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:45

MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:41

How many hours a month are you contracted to work, did you opt out of working time directives. You should only be working your contracted hours.

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My contract has something called 'banking hours'. It was originally claimed some weeks I would be required to work less and other weeks more. That never really happened though and it was on the higher side of hours. There were weeks I was putting in 60/70/80/90 hours.

I hate it.
I never signed up towards work like this.

I got a message earlier from someone I know asking me to babysit for next weekend and I would love to help but I have no idea what work is going throw at me for the week ahead and if I will even have time to change my knickers.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:43

As a nurse I used to work 7 on, 7 off, times have changed but we never went over our monthly hours unless it was chosen overtime

Original poster
Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:42

I wanted to start my Christmas shopping back in October but work took an awful fucking dump on me. Only by chance I got something online during the week and I am waiting on delivery now. I was hoping to go shopping yesterday but I was genuinely too ill and now I am back to work yet again. I only have next weekend to top up my own Christmas shop and then that's it.

My mother has all the time in the world to get this done but she has t even started. She doesn't know what to get. I made suggestions but she critised all of it.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:41

Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:39

I work in care and if it was up to my work I would be working 6/7 days a week. There were weeks in September through to October where I was working 6 days and then in October there was a good three weeks solid. We are now the second week in November and this is my 6th day in the week.

I'm.only human and I can only do so much and I need my own time off according to the law and all and I have to just start taking sick days to get free time from work. Otherwise I would be working literally around the clock.

Show quote history

How many hours a month are you contracted to work, did you opt out of working time directives. You should only be working your contracted hours.

BIWI · 17/11/2024 13:41

This is your problem with your mother.

To assume all 'old' people (no idea what you deem to be old though) might be like this is stupid. And risible.

Original poster
Canjo · 17/11/2024 13:39

helpfulperson · 17/11/2024 13:31

Surley your work would be less hectic if you weren't taking sick days most weeks.

I work in care and if it was up to my work I would be working 6/7 days a week. There were weeks in September through to October where I was working 6 days and then in October there was a good three weeks solid. We are now the second week in November and this is my 6th day in the week.

I'm.only human and I can only do so much and I need my own time off according to the law and all and I have to just start taking sick days to get free time from work. Otherwise I would be working literally around the clock.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 17/11/2024 13:33

If she wanrs to send money safely can it be transferred directly into the child's parents bank account online,either help her do that or she gives you cash and you transfer it online from your account. If she puts cash in the post and it goes missing that's her loss but online transfers are easy to do in every currency.

helpfulperson · 17/11/2024 13:31

Surley your work would be less hectic if you weren't taking sick days most weeks.