I am a 57 year old woman and support my elderly parents, my dad is 91 in January and my mum is 87 they live in their own home still and with lots of help from me look after themselves. I live approximately 20 minutes away. I know it is amazing they still live on their own but it’s what goes on beneath that layer. My dad is ex-military and is very Victorian in his ways. He has never had patience and I have never had a very good relationship with him, I could never ask for advice growing up he would just shout his opinion at me. He has no means to reason with anyone, he has fallen out with many people over the years including his brothers and sister, we’ve been sat in the car when I was little down small country lanes when he has refused to pull over even getting out of the car to confront the approaching vehicle. I just remember cowering in the back seat.
It’s very much a 50’s environment my mum has done everything for him over the years so now the only thing he can cook is toast and boiled eggs. She says it is her fault. They are both so stubborn, my mum chunters about him all the time and blames him for everything, he is as deaf as deaf but will not admit it. I very much feel even at 57 I have to conform, I have known for the last 30 years it was expected of me to look after them in their older years.They have been very private with their finances it is only up until the last couple of years I have taken over all their bills and banking for them. But everything I do is nothing, that is what is expected of me. I am there to be called up on 24/7. I have been dreading winter some weeks last winter I would go everyday taking stews and food when my mum was ill. I take care of them better than I do of myself definitely in winter!
My only sibling, brother was killed in a motorcycle accident 37 years ago when i was 20 which was devasting to us as a family but my parents stuck together my mum was the only one who ever talked about it my father never did. From that day, for 37 years, all I have ever done is pacify and make sure they are ok. I have briefly mentioned this in later years and my mum looked at me as if I was stupid.I had my family within 5 years of the accident and I have always hoped that helped them in a way but my mum just shook her head when I suggested that recently. They live approximately 20 minutes drive away from us, my kids have all left home now, 2 have moved away and 1 lives close by. My father is very Victorian in his ways, you have a boss and they are the king, “get in with a good company and they will look after you” I feel and have known for a long time he could fall out with me and tell me to get out of their house which I know sounds crazy, I’ve said this to other people and they know this too.
Over the last 8 years my mum’s memory has been declining but she will not admit to this either everything is riddles and she just says it’s fine forget it for now. You wouldn’t know anything if you talked to her in the street or had a quick conversation with her. Things have been going missing for years but she will not let me put a camera up and my dad refuses point blank to have a security camera inside the house. He says “as long as I’m in this house no one will come in”.It’s crazy because he falls a sleep with his false teeth hanging out and would not hear anyone coming in. Money has gone missing too, she has hidden it over the years and she forgets where she has put it and blames him for taking it. She just says it’s fine she’ll just get some more out of the bank.
In winter I find myself going every other day or 2 or 3 times a week.I do all of their finances, take her for all of their shopping every week which is usually a full day thing.I arrange and take them to all of their doctor and hospital visits. I basically create a setup where they can live in their own home whilst they are fortunate they are still mobile although they cant drive. My dad will get up in a morning make himself some tea and toast, watch tv and go on his exercise bike and sleep. At 91 I know this is really good but my mum constantly moans about him behind his back saying he does nothing, she will not say it to his face.My husband cuts their grass and we go every Sunday to check things are ok and sit there listening to what my dad has done with his life and all about his past. He will give me my £10 pocket money which seems mad at 57 but it’s a respect thing he has done it for the past 25 years with my 3 children as a form of bribery if they didn’t go to visit him during the week it was a sign of disrespect that they didn’t want the money he would give them. It has got slightly better as they have all grown up and left home now but that is where this comes from. Over the last couple of weeks I have had to go a lot more, at the end of September after taking my mum for blood tests I took her to Emergency Care where we were in all day for 2 blood transfusions because her iron was extremely low. This all went well and we were all relieved that she felt better. Then over the last couple of weeks she had to go for another hospital visit where they took bloods again and they said she needed the same so we spent all day last Saturday sat in the hospital again from 8am to 8 pm. Don’t get me wrong they were amazing and got her sorted.She would not let me leave her though saying I might break my leg and who was going to look after her. She repeated herself so much that day and talked about her past and kept asking the same questions over and over again. I went every other day over the last couple of weeks and I just felt numb, I’ve brought washing home to make things easier for them and got shopping as and when they needed it when she couldn’t get out.She had it in her head I could claim carers allowance for looking after her but I don’t believe I can. With her saying this I said last Sunday to my mum, how would you feel about paying me a small amount every month for what I do as I’m not earning and I would struggle to get a job when they need me? I do not have a job in winter and in some ways to me it would be a little thank you although I do appreciate I am their daughter and know they believe all of this is expected of me. My mum was unsure so I said we’ll ask Dad. We went to talk to him and my mum said if Sarah (me) comes and does some more for us she said would we pay her £50 a week? Bearing in mind they get over £1700 a month pension. My dad said well I give you £10 pocket money and your mum gives you petrol money ( she will occasionally give me £20 towards my petrol but not every week) and they umed and arghed so I just said well we can just leave it as it is and my dad said yes leave it as it is. I said I may have to find a little job and I left though if I can. My mum followed me out of the house and said don’t worry if you’re dad doesn’t agreeclass="underline">msocom1 [j1] , I’ll sort it out.I was so so so upset I am 57 years old I do so much for them I know they do not realise so how can they ever appreciate what I do. When I got home she face-timed me and said don’t worry, how much was it £24.50 a week we can sort it and not tell you dad?
Today I had to take my mum to see my eldest son, this had been arranged a while ago. The journey was an hour in the car there and I felt numb she never mentioned our conversation on Sunday and the same on the way home. I took her to get her boxes of Frosties as she loves these and she wanted to go and get her pension out of the post office so she could give my dad his money to give us our pocket money!!!
When we got sat back in the car I said “on Sunday you said to Dad I would come and help you more, what more do you think/want me to do”? She said “I know you do a lot for us”. Although she forgets a lot, she remembered the conversation on Sunday. She started crying and put her head down and I was really upset too that I had upset her but when I looked she wasn’t crying at all, like a child gets upset as if for show.She said “if it’s better for you, get a job” I feel utterly worthless, im not even worth £24.50 a week to them they must have discussed it. I said I feel worthless and she snapped at me “thank you very much, all I have done for you”We have never argued, and I have always picked her up when she’s down which is a lot of the time. She used to get carers allowance for looking after my Grandma and my Grandma paid her to help at other times in her life. She says my dad has said he is going to live until he is 100 and she says if you are that determined then you will. I hope he does and he is very happy but I just know at the rate we are going this will break me. I just do not understand their side of things, please enlighten me I am totally in the wrong here, maybe I am, I don’t know anymore.
class="underline">msoanchor1 [j1]