🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

Come and join us on the new thread @LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5243659-cockroach-cafe-new-year-2025?page=1

It’s very hard.

Hi gang, haven't posted in a while and a few things have happened. The first is that my Dad has (somewhat inevitably) massively damaged the car whilst in a car park at night. This led to a fairly tense conversation about driving, and that led to him asking my mum if she thought he had dementia.

Yes.

Yes we do.

So I'm speaking to his GP next week as I am worried about some of the things he is saying and doing.

Meanwhile, trying to hold it together with DS 1(Asperger's), Mum (v unhappy), Dad (angry about driving/dementia), DS2 (no specific issue but little), husband (working away all week every week and miserable.)

Today I went for a run and wound up crying on a bench. Feel like I'm reaching my limit and I can't see an ending.

Come join us on the new one @Newmum738

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5243659-cockroach-cafe-new-year-2025?page=1

Maybe he wants to wait until after the funeral. He went to his friend's mum's funeral and might not want them to reciprocate! It would be so helpful if he could talk about is feelings!! 🙄

Hope this is still the right thread! DFiL died a week ago Friday. DH doesn't want us to tell anyone. I'm seeing some of his friend's wives today and they may well ask me how he is. DH said I'm not to talk about it. I'm a very open type so I'm struggling to understand why he would keep it a secret from his friends. I understand he doesn't want any fuss but I can't see why we can't tell them and ask them not to mention it. This is big life news. I talked openly about him when he was ill so don't see why it's a secret that he has passed! If anyone can help rationalise this for me, please do! Otherwise, it's just a rant!

If there's a local carer's group, there's likely to be a linked bereavement one.

My mum's been to her local one and found it very good - a mix of activities, advice on practical aspects like probate, and general.socialising. Not at all like the ones you see on TV dramas that are just people.sitting in a circle saying how sad they are.

@Earlydarkdays been there! I found that there are groups aimed at older bereaved people - try Cruse or the local
Hospice. Once those start back up again (probably next week?) they're a great way for someone to go out and meet people in the same boat.

Thanks @Earlydarkdays! Yes. The sad thing is that being moaned at for not having a coffee with the neighbour makes me feel like I want to stop helping altogether, or never get involved again with someone else. Because why bother if they just complain about it?!

Dipping my toe back in to say hello after hiding from the world for a while. DF’s funeral was at the end of Nov, and went vaguely well apart from the minister going to the wrong crem, she was 30 mins away when she realised this with 10 mins bridge the service started. It made for a bit of a lighter start to the service anyway.

I’m relieved we have survived the first Xmas and new year without him but know the coming months are going to be a slog trying to support DM who is desperately lonely rattling around in a 4 bed house by herself now. I really want a plan and an idea of what things will look like going forward but that is just trying to grasp some control in a rubbish situation.‘I feel awful leaving DM at home when it means she won’t really see anyone that day unless I go over but what can you do when you have your own family to juggle as well? Really hoping she will get out and about once things start back up and that might help.

@EmotionalBlackmail, your neighbour obviously enjoys your company but you have enough on your plate without being guilt tripped there!

Might be like my mum. If she doesn't have company in the present moment she feels lonely. With her it's a feature of her dementia.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity! A useful reminder.

Neighbour has loads of help, just can't walk as far as the shop/pharmacy these days, but can still manage to walk to their church as it's closer. But lives with partner, daughter goes round several times a week, along with other family members. Unlike many of the elderly relatives mentioned in here they have a taxi account and regularly use taxis to get to places. So not lonely either. Almost certainly sees more people socially than I do!

@MereDintofPandiculation are we in need of a new thread? Happy New Year!

@EmotionalBlackmail keep your own oxygen mask on and boundaries firm.

It’s nice you did a seasonal visit today but you can stop there. I hope the neighbour gets outside help in and doesn’t assume that, as you are so helpful to others, that you can take them on too. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness or for stopping them from feeling lonely.

Your plate is already full and you should limit neighbour to what you can do (which might be nothing right now).

Our good girl programming means we feel we should always do more and are never enough and that’s why we burn out.

Got guilt-tripped by elderly neighbour today. I've already got several elderlies of my own on the go, and help this neighbour out occasionally by popping round with some milk or a prescription. Now it's all sad face and "You never come round for a coffee", "Why don't you come round for a coffee?"

Last month I had to use some annual leave to find time to meet a friend for a coffee. Someone I actually like and want to catch up with! There are several more friends I want to see but haven't been able to find time yet. We're all juggling work and young families too.

I've left it with the building manager (I just said MIL finds the toilet too high) and she said she'd discuss it with the maintenance guy who would probably fit a sturdy step around it. No doubt she will fall over it.

Oh dear, would she manage a step with a toilet surround to get onto the toilet or would she fall over it?

Mil has been complaining the toilet in her flat is too high for her (it's raised to make it easier to use but she is very small). We offered to talk to the building manager to see if they could do anything but she refused so has obviously been deliberately not going to the toilet. This morning she clearly couldn't hold it in any longer and so there was poo everywhere - on the bedding, nightclothes, carpet, bathroom floor, even some up the wall. What a lovely start to the day. Me and DH are supposed to be going to a New Years party tonight but just don't have any energy at the moment.

Yes I agree with you @MysterOfwomanY I work with kids/teens and CAMHS is so understaffed and underfunded that they can't get the support they need in time and then they get to 18 because of the waiting list and poof nothing at all. Then you have lots of young adults with mental health issues who struggle to enter society fully and they complain that unemployment in this age group has gone up and PIP claims for mental health issues has gone up. Surely it would be better to support these teens in the early stages to avoid the inevitable crisis that will result without it.

Same with our elderly do the discharge right with all support in place the first time and less chance of readmission due to a fall or infection due to lack of adequate care in place.

We're having exactly the same problems with FIL, now in his fourth hospital, at ever increasing distances from us, while they made a bit of a hash of diagnosis, meaning he lost the chance to make things a little easier. Waiting for a best interest meeting that was meant to be taking place a week ago, probably delayed by the holiday, but of course the ability of family to attend at short notice ends in a couple of days' time. The closest DC is over an hour away if they're at home, and their workplace is in the opposite direction. DH isn't easily contactable at work, and if they reached him, it would take four hours from his office to get there.
There's no reason why they should give much priority to this, in the scale of things, but it does rankle.

It's barmy - it's vanishingly rare that care needs arise outwith some health crisis.

I dimly remember some point where Mum was in hospital and there was incoherent chat about discharging her when clearly no adequate preparations had been made. Can't remember whether I got her partner to take her house keys out of her bag and home with him or whether we just talked about it.

There is soooo much not-joined-up stuff around health and social care that it's a low hanging fruit for any government. Not just hospital discharge, but the cliff edge for kids with mental health problems or in care when they hit 18. IT'S RIGHT THERE GUYS, FIX IT!!

Totally agree there are all the expectations family will do all the things but without any consultation with family. I don’t know if they believe the patient or just copy and paste the same into every care plan. We made it abundantly clear family could only visit weekly in phone conversations.

After a few discharges where we ended up collecting late at night and not knowing if carers and community nursing would be attending the next morning we had to resort to refusing to collect, to make the hospital responsible for safe transport and support services being in place.

There are good people in the system but the NHS and social care being separately funded causes patients to be either stuck in limbo or pushed between services like a pinball.

Yes, couldn’t agree more with this. We could never get any information from the hospital about MIL but they still expected us to be available at the drop of a hat to collect her and sort care. Really the NHS has to decide - either it liaises properly with families or it works on the basis that elderly and confused patients have no-one available to support them on discharge. Present arrangements are just setting everyone up for failure.

I wish they would consult with families more, yes the patient has capacity (or maybe not) but if you are expecting family to provide care or have things in place when they are discharged then surely those conversations should be had prior to discharge.

I have been to see DF on his ward pretty much every day other than yesterday when I started vomiting. Not once have staff had any conversations with me about his care needs or what help we can provide.

@funnelfan nothing changes. When my eldest was at Uni he had a bad accident and had to have his leg pinned, plated and generally reassembled. His student house was considered unsuitable for him to return to short term so he had to come home. We lived nearly 3 hours away and I worked an hour away in the wrong direction. In addition the access to our house is 30 metres up an unlit footpath. And there is no parking at Leeds General so I would need to park in a nearby multi storey, get him to the entrance then fetch the car to pick him up. So I told the hospital I would need to know before midday that he would be discharged or it would be the next day before I could collect him. They phoned at gone 4pm on a work day and were very put out that I wasn't coming straight away. After all 7 hours driving plus faffing after a day at work couldn't possibly go horribly wrong.