Really really don't want to care for parent

4 years!?!? My aunt lasted less than 4 days caring for my gran before she dialled 999 and said if they didn’t come and get her then she was going to hold a pillow over her face!

But if I bring any of this up to SS etc they just ignore it. I've even been told by nurses at the hospital "well we do it

There are several threads running on MN at the moment about the carers allowance scandal and how family carers are treated. The NHS workers are conspicuous by their abscence. Its like tumbleweed. Yet post a thread about how can we improve the NHS and its like a klaxon has gone off and the health workers on here (not all of them but a good amount of them) are lining up to patient blame and moan about how families arent doing enough yet post a thread about how family carers are being treated re CA and they couldnt give less of a shit!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5048517-to-bring-your-attention-to-the-carers-benefit-fraud-scandal?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5045433-carers-allowance-and-benefit-fraud?reply=134540759

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5049094-to-think-the-carers-allowance-scandal-shows-the-uncaringness-of-the-dwp#:~:text=The%20pressure%20on%20the%20prime,a%20few%20pounds%20a%20week. The threads are nowhere near as long as the NHS ones are either.

When you're 4 years into that, let us know whether you feel as chipper as you do now

No is a complete sentence. You don't have to give reasons or excuses, no one can force you.
They will try and pass their responsibility on to you to save themselves money, that isn't your problem, it's theirs.

Just say 'no, I'm afraid I can't help at all' and repeat then ignore.

You don't owe your mother anything. If she can afford care then she can pay for it, if she can't then social services can sort it out.

Part of my issue is that I have a very strong reaction to anything physical....I can barely stand to hold her hand let alone help with toileting etc, it really does make me have a reaction. And a large part of this is due to my childhood issues with her which I don't believe I should be forced to relive constantly

I was the same.

SS only gave up when I lost it completely in defence of my brother (see my earlier post) and in breaking down, told them about how abusive she'd been as a parent. I wish I hadn't had to do that, but sadly it was the only effective response.

This isn't a helpful message but I'm suspecting it's not genuine. If you rearrange the letters in the user name, the tone of post changes somewhat.
Hopefully it's a sarcastic comment based on what we read from martyr-like care givers that self-flagellate on a frequent basis.

If it's not a snarky comment then DFOD.

OP - if you don't want to care for your parent then you don't have to. Don't let the system & 'well-meaning' family friends guilt or grind you down. Good luck.

It is often women, yes @Davros But I won't stand by and let anyone make generalisations that are clearly untrue. Anything that says "all men" or "it's always women" annoys me, and I won't be shrugged off with accusations of using NAMALT. Similarly I won't let a man say "all women"

It's lazy to make those reductive generalisations, and I resent my brother's efforts over a decade and a half being denied or made invisible.

It is usually women though, you can't deny that.
When/if you get a Care Plan read it very carefully. Despite me and my sister saying we would not be providing any formal care to our mother, they still put us in the plan. We had to insist they changed it. We did the admin, shopping, visiting but were not going to be responsible for care.

Social services will try to guilt-trip you into it, because it means they don't have to organise it. And no, they don't guilt-trip men into it,

Not true. My brother was the unlucky sibling who lived locally to our extremely difficult mum. I had the luxury of living 1.5 hours away. We attended several meetings about my mum's care, and at each one of them SS very strongly pushed and tried to guilt my brother into providing care. In the end I was the one who lost it and told them to leave him alone.

I don't understand why so many parents expect their daughters, and it is always daughters, to do this for them.

Again, nope. It was my brother that my mum wanted to move in with.

Now the time has come and it is chaos and I am the evil daughter for not wanting to give up my life.

Just wanted to add that my DM has been keen to cast me as the evil daughter from a very young age.

At this point I find it quite helpful. She tells everyone she can how me and my DSis won't help and don't see her. If they believe that's fine but it also means that I have a great excuse not to take on more caring because apparently I'm evil

I really feel for you and recommend reading the article that sitting linked too. I've just read it and it's really quite brilliant.

You don't have to make excuses for why you don't want to look after them, it's absolutely fine not too.

Totally agree about practising a couple of lines such as "I can't do that right now, do you want me to look up local cars agencies"?

Agree too that SS have no money and will try and get you to do it all.

You really don't have to. I was at a party at the weekend and my "D"M's BF had a go at me for not doing more for my "D"M in front of some guests. She only hears what my "D"M tells her though and I'm pretty sure she doesn't talk about the violence or neglect or exactly why she's not welcome in my home.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't understand why so many parents expect their daughters, and it is always daughters, to do this for them.

Agree with others DON'T DO IT. Don't be guilt tripped and don't let Social Services steam roll you into agreeing to it, even if your mother tells them you will/or she wants you to do it.

Recent somewhat similar dilemma in this weekend's Guardian
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/14/i-was-abused-as-a-child-but-now-my-mother-needs-care

It's lovely that you are willing to do that. However, when my late DM needed care I had a full time job which I couldn't afford to give up and I also had an elderly DF (parents divorced) who would need some sort of support. Neither of my parents would have expected, or wanted, me to take them in btw, and I preferred being their daughter to being their carer.

Surely you can see that not everyone's situation is the same?

That quote is extremely true.

I did go google to read about context said it in, but it seems she didn’t originate it.

The full quote is even truer in my experience “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.’ It is wisdom I have passed on to many others . If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide.” . “ it appears to have originated from a book called When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté, MD, that explores the health risks of our unhealthy ways of dealing with stress, emotional issues, and relationship issues.

This is indeed my experience of looking after exh for 20 years of our 30 years marriage with a severe and enduring mental health condition, this is very true. As an ExW the guilt is much less damaging than the resentment that built up

And now my dad has late stage dementia and appalling symptoms with aggression, delusions- a truly horrible situation. Sectioned and being passed from nhs ward to care home and back again. He’s essentially homeless right now that no care home can accommodate his needs in the entire local authority, and bed blocking in hospital. My elder sibling is the attorney and nearest relative under mental health act- I’m going to send them that quote. particualrly after today high has been a particularly frustrating one for them . They need to delegate more .

caring is so bloody hard for people with mental health issues or cognitive decline. We are none of us equipped for it. Few have the patience or tolerence long term, 24/7, year after year without resentment building.

Clearly what you need to do is re-home your children, hand in your resignation and give up your hobbies so you're available 24/7 to meet any caring demands without burning out.

Or maybe just clone yourself so there are two of you?

Personally I don't think it's fair on the kids for parents to take on significant caring responsibilities while children are still living at home.

My own Mum had been driven to a nervous breakdown (which I was old enough to see, and to some extent, understand) from caring from her Mum and her aunt at the ends of their lives. And they were both lovely women, relationships were good etc.
So she always said "Don't worry about putting me in a care home if that's what's needed!" . She knew how hard it could be. And she was haunted until the end of her own life by not being able to care for another aunt. Close family but she had 2 small kids and just couldn't.

She probably would have been a holy terror made the best of a care home, but it didn't come to that in the end. Would have been better, even so, than us all cooped up in the same house getting on each other's nerves - we got along fine, but 24/7 is a big big BIG ask.

You are definitely not alone in this. My mum stated many years ago that she didn’t want us (her kids) to be her carer. She still tells us that at age 80. She worked as a carer for decades. For the most part she is independent, though needs a bit of help here and there. She’s very independent. I am very grateful for this. Dh and me have a lot of difficult things to deal with. Chronic illness and a small business to run and pay the bills.
My dh mum is a few years older than mine and is pretty much the opposite.
I have a nightmare of my dh not being able to cope with all the travelling (4 hours round trip) to fix things for her that didn’t need fixed when she knows he is run ragged.

I used to be a carer and I’m not sure if I would be capable of caring for my parents. Getting up in the middle of the night to take them to the toilet, washing, dressing, getting their fluids in by spoon-feeding the thick water, feeding, brushing teeth and hair, socialising, changing nappies and/or pads….

That’s before you have anything extra like dementia or Alzheimer’s where they can turn violent and they ask you 30 times who you are or why you’re in their home. Holding hands and singing them to sleep because they’re confused and that makes them scared…

I had it for 12 hours 3 or 4 nights a week and it was a LOT. I actually quit after I realised I was paid £27 before tax for 3 hours of sitting in someone’s blood on the floor while talking and stroking their hair waiting for the ambulance to arrive. If you’re not like “it’s an absolute honour my mum has asked me to do this! I will see her off in the most dignified way money can buy” then it’s not for you OP and you shouldn’t feel bad. I had a team around me and getting the cleaning etc done was STILL hard. No means no.

I agree.
Whey you have funds to pay for carers is irrelevant. That's for her to pay not you. A lot of people seem to think they are liable for their parents' care fees - this is not the case.

I won’t be caring for either of my parents, neither of them did much for me when o was younger. I may do a small amount of admin for them but that is all. And if they refuse other care then so be it.

This.

My mum told me years ago that I had better bloody not (her words) even think about trying to care for her or my dad. Apparently it would be a terrible waste of my education. 😂

Yep, we know someone who spent a fortune converting bits of her house for her mum. Lasted 2 weeks, then DM was admitted to a hospice and daughter was so thankful she could just be her daughter, not a carer.

It was too much, 24/7 is very different if you're a team, not just one person with a lot of other stuff to do as well.