Heading for a breakdown

But ultimately social services will step in if there is no one. It didn't need to happen in my parent's case, the staff in A&E dealt with everything, and then a friend took stuff in the following day. If the OP is nearer, which it sounds like she is, then maybe dropping into hospital to deal with a crisis is easier, but she does also have a job to do.

But with my distant (as in relationship as well as location!) relative SS had to send carers in with them to hospital and get on with sorting it out and putting care in place as there were no close relatives alive and no one within several hours' travel.

For a lot of us we can't just drop everything if elderly relative goes into hospital suddenly. Once or twice maybe, I could get DH to juggle his work around, friends to pick my child up from school etc, but that isn't a longterm solution. In my case it ultimately boils down to are SS going to be called because I haven't picked up from school or because my elderly relative is on their own in A&E. Child wins that one every time.

If she has not much ££ assets then ss will fund before too long
You do not need to give up your job
You need to plan for your future pension etc
You do not have to

"do all the cooking and cleaning for her, work full time"

Her carers can do that /or a care home
You can then save energy for pleasant visits quality time

Go on holiday
Make a plan where it does not all fall to you

Come and join us on this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

I’m in a very similar situation to you except I have my father in care and my mother living at home with carers. Have you involved Social Services and had a care assessment and financial assessment done? It may be that you could have more care visits, especially to do a hot meal so you don’t have to do it. If she could my mother would have me there every day but I have had to put in boundaries for my own sanity. I’ve realised that I’m too available, I only live 10 minutes away as I thought it would make life easier but it actually means my mother expects me to be on call 24/7.

@EmotionalBlackmail Not suggesting for a minute that you should do more.

Just baffled at hearing that "others" will step in when there's no one.

Last two times I've taken mum to A&E, I have assisted other people who were alone. There's no help. The minimal staff can't cope with massive emergencies, never mind keep an extra eye on someone alone!

@EmmaEmerald it's true though, the vast majority of family/unpaid carers are female relatives. Often daughters. Yes, I'm aware of one man who cared for his MIL because he'd retired and his wife was still working but mostly the male relatives get away with little or nothing - see how many of us on this board have goldenballs brothers?! Plus they don't get the negative comments or the expectation that they will care.

I've already driven myself into the ground caring for one parent through illness, then terminal illness. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for and, as with many of us, the care grew and grew. I nearly lost my career as a result and the chance to meet someone and start a family (bearing in mind my own age). There is no way I'm putting myself into a caring situation like that again.

My remaining parent has had one crisis so far, and I couldn't get there because of circumstances at the time. A&E took extra care of someone there on their own, provided food etc. Yes, my relative was furious
because they'd had to 'put friends out' but the friends rallied around and it's forced her to face the reality and put measures in place whereas before they'd just relied on me dropping everything and doing it.

Now, it's relatively 'easy' in my situation. I'm 2-3 hours away so I can't just pop in. I'm never going to be dropping off shopping or popping in after work. My working life means I could be anything up to nine hours away if there is a crisis. And there's nothing I can do about that. And that has forced my relative to make her own arrangements. Still attempts the emotional blackmail though!

And goldenballs brother who not only has more flexible work and more leave than me, but even works in a caring profession never gets any of this!

You don't need a lawyer or solicitor for a poa, unless your mum is unable to sign the forms. Then it costs c£2000 if I remember rightly. If she is ok to sign and you can download the forms from gov.uk then it costs £82. You need to have someone who witnesses the signatures to confirm they are genuine and a second person called the 'certificate provider' who confirms that she understands what she is signing . . .
When you send it off, take a photocopy along with proof of postage as they are taking about 6 months to come back now as a validated document

You don’t have to sell the house to pay for care home fees - you can get a deferred payment arrangement with the council. They pay for the care, usually at a greatly reduced cost, and upon death the home is sold and the loan repaid. I’d ask for a full assessment from social care and TELL them you cannot provide care - at all. If there is any snippet of you caving they will not put anything into place.

Everyone has given great advice. I hope you can take it, OP. You simply can’t continue using yourself up at this rate. You must protect your health, your private life, and your ability to care for your own life.

Do not quit your job! Do find carers or a residential situation for your mother. Consider yourself to have a supervisory role not to be primary caretaker.

@EmotionalBlackmail "And what would a son do?! And what would people expect a son to do?! One really helpful comment from a male friend was that if there's a crisis from your elderly person, you don't have to respond to it. Someone will."

I am beyond baffled by this. Most of the full on carers I know are/have been male. And who does your friend think this "someone" is?!

Also, there is no "someone" in many cases. Mum has been ill for years, so not only do I feel we have exhausted the goodwill of friends and neighbours - some of them are now dead!

None of them should be expected to sit in A&E for hours. Most, quite sensibly, wouldn't even go.

When mum had a stroke, I could literally sense the younger people who helped with shopping etc backing off. It became too risky for them to be involved.

I hold up my hands and admit the situation makes me choke with resentment sometimes. But realistically - no, I'm not leaving mum alone for hours in an NHS hospital the way they are now. I'm not criticising anyone who does but I can't do that.

OP it's obviously up to you how you manage this but IME the advice of others can't help unless they know the finer details of your specific situation.

i've been dealing with this crap for years and if it goes on longer, she'll outlive me. So I outsource as much as I can.

This could go on for 10 years. Take the holiday. Do not give up your job but cut back if you can, but you MUST use this extra time for yourself, not your mother.
You are her child, not her spouse, not her carer. Get some support for yourself. Have you Employee Assistance Programme at work?
Call them.
live your life.
Good luck.

I am new to this forum and posted for the first time this morning, so by no means am I at old hand at this but I would like to comment on your post.

Firstly, I do not mean to offend yourself or anyone else in this position. I wanted to say you by what you are writing and what your concerns are - it comes across you are more interested in what others will say or comment on. It sounds like you have been conditioned this way. I am coming from a European point of view, the "old way" of doing things where there are victims in the world who are pleased to be helpless and feel that they are entitled to feeling like this instead of taking the approach of being self directed, confident and open to learning new things. The people who often suffer are the children. You are made to feel like a young child no matter which decade you are in - 20s, 40s, 50s and 60s.

I was brought up like this and never subscribed to this but have helped and currently are helping three friends who are in the same boat - in their 50s and 1 in her 60s who have given up their lives to a mother (all mothers in these cases) who insists on instant dial access to their children who are still working, all three have never married so they don't have children. One is now seeking therapy to undo the years of control, dependency and guilt that has been put on her.

You need to do look at yourself and what you need right now. This should be about you right now, think about what you need and how you can achieve it. You can only make that decision, it is not about others and you need to find a way of not thinking about what others think. What do you think? It sounds like you have come to a conclusion on this but you have been conditioned to look for outside approval. You don't need it. You really need to look at what you need right now.

Easier said then done? Yes, but it has been done.
Good luck with it and listen to what you are thinking and what common sense is telling you!x

I'd try and sort out attendance allowance for her and get her a cleaner. I'd also look to see if there are local meals on wheels type hot food delivery's. One of my elderly relatives gets them delivered at lunchtime about 5 days a week, after he's had a look at the menus for the following week. He pays £5 a day for a main course and an extra £1 for a pudding. There is also a local community centre where they serve a 3 course lunch once a week (including transport if required).
I would put in place as much help as possible and go on holiday. You need to recharge your batteries.

Not sure its been mentioned, but does your mum get Attendance Allowance?... that could then help to pay for things that might relieve some of the pressure?
It sounds like you definitely need a break - I would go on the holiday in May, you very much deserve some 'me time'

Turn the situation around and look at it as you're increasing the resilience of the carer set up which can only be a good thing in the long run. Having everything dependent on you means if you're out of action care still takes place. Yes, it's important to take a holiday and it could help strengthen the whole situation - what happens if you have to take an 'involuntary holiday' from caring if you break a leg, catch flu or your car breaks down?! There are people on here who've ended up having a breakdown or with a cancer diagnosis and then something else has to happen about care.

Only you know your priorities. I came under a lot of pressure (see username!) to stop working full time, but I'm the main breadwinner, have a dependent child and a mortgage. My first priority is that. I also need to think about my own retirement, pension contributions etc.

And what would a son do?! And what would people expect a son to do?! One really helpful comment from a male friend was that if there's a crisis from your elderly person, you don't have to respond to it. Someone will. This actually happened to me as I don't answer my phone during work/commute time so I didn't even find out DM was in hospital for about 10 hours! Her friends and neighbours had to rally around and that was helpful in the long run

I was in a similar position, I didn't have a single night away from home (other than the ones I'd spent in A&E with my mum) in nearly 3 years because I felt bad about leaving her. I was exhausting myself working full-time and looking after her and my dad before he died. Then I got cancer and realised that I was completely giving up my own needs for her. I'm still looking after her but much more on my terms, I've been away quite a lot, and although to some degree it takes the joy out of looking forward to things because it's a constant am I going to get there because there's going to be some disaster with mum, actually it's always been fine, and if I need to come home, I need to come home. You start doing things and thinking she must be towards the end of life, then 10 years later you're still at it! I'm accepting that we are constantly heading for a crisis, but given up feeling that I've got any control over it. Enjoy your holiday!

Do what you want to do OP. Let people think what they want, believe what they want. When it comes down to it, it’s irrelevant to you. Why waste your energy on this or trying to persuade them? What other people think of you or what you do is outside your control anyway.

I am the person who had a nervous breakdown in this sort of situation.

I wish I could give you some sensible advice.

I don't know if I could've prevented the breakdown from happening.

An awful lot of it is down to what happened to mum. And the bottom line is I simply couldn't cope with it. (There were other issues including that she initially refused to have carers).

In terms of giving up your job, I completely understand if you feel you can't do a job and also even do minimal care. However, I don't think I would've even attempted it if there was something like dementia in play, so I would think your mum would be better in a place with specialist care.

I understand the feeling of judgement and have talked about it quite a lot on here. I have had to accept that I am simply not capable of doing some of the things that other people can do.

I would suggest that you think very carefully about what your next steps are. If you are going to end up in the situation where you feel unable to do both things, then you have to figure out where the balance is. Part time work maybe?

I would feel differently if mum went into a home I think.

Our situation is that she doesn't need to go into one.

But ironically, I am posting after what should have been a lovely day out....It was affected by concerns about her because she hasn't been well at all this week and I only managed to switch off after a couple of hours.

I don't think I would go on a foreign holiday unless she was actually in a care home, but I find going away extremely stressful anyway, so with the added concern that there would be no one to step in, not sure what the point is.

Sounds like your son can step in though?

I was actually about to post on one of the other threads for any advice on coping mentally!

So all I can do is sympathise.

First of all, you need to change your mindset. If your mum needs to go into a home, she’s not being ‘put in care’. She’s moving to a safe place where she will get the care she needs.
You really do NOT need to stop working to take care of her. A care needs assessment will be carried out and that will determine what care she needs. She could have up to 4 visits a day from carers whilst living in her own home. You do not need to be the person caring for her. You sound like a wonderful daughter, spend your time with her doing pleasurable things and let the professionals do the rest.

You don't need a lawyer for POA OP.

And it might make more sense for you to keep your powder dry for having your Mum's back and overseeing care visits etc, rather than burning yourself out in the trenches.

Can you ring her up and check she's ok from on holiday (does she answer the phone etc)?