🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Can I just vent a tiny bit?
Mum lives on the same street, age 88.
She's still very independent, stubborn (and more than a bit judgemental)
We go out once each week for lunch and any bits of shopping that a Tesco delivery hasn't taken care of....
After bring up all night vomiting on Monday, I phoned to say we'd have to cancel our trip out - after being a bit huffy, she said she would go into town on the bus and get her stuff and put the phone down on me... no "can I get you anything while I'm out"
No phonecall since to see if I'm better.
I know compared to some situations this is very minor, and I realise topics on this thread will be heading my way in times to come - but after continually trying to ensure she has everything she needs to support her independence, I just felt a bit let down :(

This is what I'm hoping. The care in the hospital is not great. I don't blame them, they are very busy, but she deserves better. Yesterday a full commode was left in her room all day with the windows and door closed. It was horrendous. She also called me on her mobile in the middle of the night in a state as she pressed her bell and no one came. Me and my sister are next of kin so have had to step into the told of her daughter's which is also extremely difficult as we still have children at home and work full time.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere a fellow long-standing but now graduate of this board sending you 🌺🌺. Hope things are as calm as they can be.
@Nodancingshoes 🌺🌺 for you too.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I have posted on that thread in the last week because that is obviously where we are at as well.
Just trying to get Nan's affairs in order before she moves. We are continuing to pay her regular carers for a few weeks as they have been visiting her in hospital and they are like family to her now. They are also going to visit her in the home for a week or so to settle her in. I guess the next step will be sorting her flat but it all seems so final 😥Realistically she is never going back there though.

Sorry to hear that @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere , the latest version of the thread you want is https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

@PanettonePudding yes, about two thirds are local to mum, with the rest being immigrants. I’ve met most of them, they’re all very nice and the ones born abroad have good-to-great English language skills. (Mum struggles with the accents but that’s a mix of deafness and cognitive decline). Some of them though just don’t seem to have common sense, and the person that left mums bed like that was a local so I can’t blame language barrier or different cultural expectations.

I thought there was a long running thread about waiting for someone to die but I can't find it. If there is it seems that my time to move there is coming closer.

I had to go away last weekend so we visited DM last Wednesday and we both felt that there was a bit of a change. Later that day the nurse phoned to say that they called the GP because she was very sleepy and her breathing was laboured. I went away on Thursday so checked before I left and she seemed brighter again. She had a visitor on Friday who she recognised and was happy to see but on Saturday we had a call to say she seemed to have had another seizure/stroke/episode and they hoped she would sleep it off. All her sats are good, no temperature, but she does have an upset stomach.

Instead it seems that she has developed a new pattern - up and dressed for breakfast but too sleepy to eat lunch so back in bed for the rest of the day. We saw her yesterday and she was asking specifically for my dad, by name, rather than the general "dad" that she has spoken about in the past. "Dad" could be DGF, DF, DU or DH. That was the only thing she said to us in all the time we were there, didn't respond until just as we were leaving and she said "See you soon" Today is much the same. It sounds awful but I can't help thinking why? I am hoping that during one of these deep sleeps she fades away and doesn't wake.

Just a thought, are the carers literate and English speakers? If they are, I'd contact the agency and complain.

@LittleMy77 so sorry to hear about your situation. Is there a reablement type unit your DF could have some time in giving you time to consider your options. We had this option last year and although the setting wasn’t ideal for Dad the staff were amazing and gave us time to consider what we did next even advised on how to seek out a suitable home and thankfully had connections with the manager of the home who were prepared to take Dad giving us time to sort things out. Multi disciplinary team meeting was helpful as the professional staff could explain to Mum what was required for Dad. A decent nursing home really replaces the old geriatric wards so whilst bed blocking is not ideal getting a decent nursing home can prevent re admission within reason. I will say it is the ripple effect for our generation where our own kids are missing out on important attention often at times when they really need it because we are spent emotionally dealing with elderly parents.

Back at the hospital for dad, for the 3rd time this year. And its the small local one, so not even a costa coffee to collect reward points in 😉

A fall and compression fractures, luckily no lasting damage to the spine. I spent many hours last week ringing around chasing his referral to the spinal consultant and got nowhere, and in the end sibling rang 111 and took him to A&E via the gp. Luckily the pain is now under control but he can't manage at home - lots of hard stares as a result between us and the hospital staff, who want to discharge asap as they want the bed back (understandably..)

I can't help thinking that this is a huge gap in care (I know bed blocking is a massive issue) that needs addressing asap. Early release must end up with so many older people being readmitted as they can't manage at home and end up having another fall etc.

So busy focusing on sorting Dad out that I didn't realise DS was having a massive wobble about it. My mum was v ill last year and got admitted and died in hospital and DS didn't see her once she was admitted, before she died, and they were very close. He got really spooked that the same was going to happen to Dad this time around 😔

@Nodancingshoes so sorry to hear this. Hopefully they can move her to the home as quickly as possible and make her comfortable. I remember with my grandmother who went downhill very quickly after her cancer diagnosis that it was so much better when she moved from the hospital, the nursing home were also really experienced with end of life care and supportive of my mother (my grandmother didn't want her grandchildren to see her so we couldn't visit).

What Mere said. @Nodancingshoes , I hope your Nan’s remaining time is comfortable and peaceful. Accepting the reality of the situation doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad. It also hopefully means you will be able to face the coming weeks and days head on. Best wishes to you and your family.

So my nan won't be coming home 😔 She is on end of life care and needs looking after 24 hours a day. She will be moving to a nursing home by the end of the week. It is the best thing but still feels horrible

Just a little follow up to my earlier vent about mums bedding. When I visited yesterday her bed had on it:
mattress protector (stained)
towel
mattress protector (stained)
dry nite pad

Thats it, no sheet, mum was lying on the pad. Oh, and the duvet cover was the same one on she’s had for three weeks so was very stained. She eats in bed and has Parkinson’s so you can imagine, she wears as much food as she eats.

bed stripped, remade with one mattress protector and one sheet, mum got back in (clean nightie too!) and said “oh that’s lovely”. The mattress protectors have a towelling surface so probably don’t feel all that nice to lie on for nearly a week. Her bedding cupboard is now even more labelled with “these are sheets, these are mattress protectors, these are duvet covers”. I’ve even left a note saying “if you change the sheet because it’s soiled, please check the mattress protector and if that is also stained then please change that too”. I can’t believe I have to spell that out to competent adults…

@Patsy7299 when MiL went into her home, which they called a trial basis, the home staff said please don't visit for up to two weeks, we need her to settle and accept the changes in routine. Whilst she likely would not have chosen it, the home and staff was so much better than the care visits she was having and she did settle and particularly enjoyed the food. Her dementia got worse, but of course it would, it doesn't get better - but a GP saw her every week, which hadn't happened at all when she was at home. Her prescriptions were reviewed and some mild anti depressants seemed to help too. It wasn't perfect but it was SO much better than being home and whilst she would never fully accept being there she in time forgot where home was. We took in familiar pictures and photos etc. which helped.

Back from 'baby sitting' mother and of course ended up staying longer so that DSis who originally agreed to several days, could go out on the second night she was there. I was the one on my own with DM for two days and nights. DM is a very strong person and gets her own way, she thinks her taste and her ideas are superior and lets you know what she thinks. Whilst a good cook still, she is wobbly on her feet and often reaching out for the worktop, she cooks for her own needs - that means no lunch! I was offered half a banana for lunch. When DSis was there we did have a nice and fairly healthy home made lunch but the dinner I was offered that evening was reheated chips from the take away the day before! 15 chips re fried in oil served with mayonnaise - delicious but no vegetables or fruit all day, and a mini magnum which I politely declined..... No wonder my father who is over 6 foot is wasting away, she gives him the same portions she has and allows him a cake with coffee when they go out which is instead of lunch. She does make puddings, crumbles, treacle tarts etc and the are all served with cream and ice cream, she adds cream to her cereal. Chocolates and fudge are offered at night or to perk her up during the day. Her ankles are very swollen, she gets cramp in them every night, has mouth ulcers atm (last time dr told her 'what can I do, go to a dentist'). She can't walk more than a few paces without help, my DF has to put her shoes on for her, struggles to get off the sofa but won't ask for her - but says she doesn't need the 'as new' recliner chair we have offered (MiL bought it but only used it for 4 weeks). One good thing - she was wearing her falls alarm the whole time - even out and about (when it wouldn't work but I couldn't tell her that). I know I am not her carer and will never have to do the daily or more visits I did for MiL, but it takes me two days to recover, she makes little comments about my hair and starts to get a bit nasty and I come away cross and upset. Short visits with DH or others in tow from now on! I know I could not do what so many of you are doing, weirdly it was easier for MiL, different relationship. Luckily DM will not expect it and for now DD is filling the gaps and kind neighbours keep an eye out.

I'm bracing myself for a downhill ride with FIL, who has capacity and can manage his own affairs, albeit less confidently than he used to, and requiring support in understanding unfamiliar documents and procedures. Like so many on this thread, he's determined to stay in his own home, and closes down any discussion on moving somewhere more suited to his needs. But he's having symptoms and falls that I suspect may have a neurological cause. Whatever it is, frequent falls aren't ideal in shaky old men who live alone in houses at the top of concrete steps.
He doesn't need care as such, not yet. But a fall in the wrong place at the wrong time could have serious consequences.

@MotherOfCatBoy @FiniteSagacity My Dad is also likely autistic, DH has had to in the past tell him he needs to come and see his grandkids as we moved to be near to him and he didn't bother to visit. To be fair to him he did accept it and tried to visit more often, now he can't drive we take them to see him. He doesn't really talk to them much, but he never did to me and my brother as kids either.

I am down visiting my elderly Aunt who is also likely autistic and very rigid which has got worse over time. I am making sure that she has food and trying to meet with a possible carer tomorrow. GP has done another safeguarding referral as they are questioning her capacity to keep herself safe so that is all going through with social care currently. Hoping for some recognition that she doesn't have capacity to manage her bills, services etc. I was trying to organise her oil supply for her heating today and she couldn't pass authorisation so if anything happens with any of her services it will be an absolute nightmare.

@FiniteSagacity it’s heartbreaking. I can see what she wanted too - loads of pictures of DS - but can’t relate to him. I want to fix it but I can’t.

@MotherOfCatBoy solidarity, my DCs are so used to being ignored for years by DF that now I can’t drag them to see DF. It’s sad because his house is full of all the signs of the grandparent he wanted to be. I think he is avoidant and possibly undiagnosed ADHD too.

@funnelfan also solidarity over the whole carers with bedding and complete inability to follow instructions palaver. Washable bed and chair protectors were vital for both comfort and to prevent infection and it is still inexplicable and enraging to me the state DF was left in.

Wishing strength to @Nodancingshoes and @countrygirl99.

and for @Nodancingshoes and @countrygirl99

Going to see mine tomorrow as DF is about to turn 96; and to take DM to a GP appointment. Going on my own without my DS as he’s reached the age where he doesn’t really want to see them as most of the time they ignore him. It’s not his fault and it is his choice but I still feel sad that my dysfunctional mother has kind of ruined not only her relationship with me but with her grandson as well. It’s just sad. She can’t really relate to him and managed to not talk to him all day on Christmas Day, I think that put the tin hat on it for him. I think she’s undiagnosed autistic/ ADHD or something but also avoidant, prone to outbursts, has always been selfish and can say some very cutting things. Only getting worse as she gets older. Torn between level headed sympathy and sometimes fury.

Been at the hospital all day. Just popped home for an hour and I had a phone call after 5 mins of being home to go back. She was hysterical with chest pain. Drove back frantic - it was indigestion... Trying to stay kind and serene but it's not easy!
Sending love to all those having a hard time or knowing they will have a hard time in the future!!

Oh God, my heart goes out to you all. We’re on an even keel at the moment with DM seeming stable and we’re coping ok with her at home. I wonder if I should even type that.

All good here though apart from a wee problem with mice in her kitchen which of course DB has totally ignored and I have had to deal with. DNephew has been an absolute star though. He has taken over her greenhouse for the summer so is visiting most days which has been a godsend.

It is not too early for gin.

Sending cake and sympathy countrygirl.

my frustration this week has been reading the carer notes online. Mum had an incontinence accident yesterday. The carer cleaned her up and changed her bedding, all good you’d have thought. Except the carer noted it was damp under her sheet so put a towel there.

Mum has plentiful spare waterproof undersheets. They are on the same shelf next to the clean sheets. In the cupboard labelled “bedding”. In fact you have to reach over the undersheets to get to the sheets. There are also disposable bed pads in the same basket as the packets of Tenas next to her bed, just in case.

I don’t know what else to do to make it clearer to carers. Surely common sense says if you take off one set of bedding you replace what you took off? Do they not know what a waterproof undersheet is or looks like?! I know they never read my labels because before now they’ve gone into the spare room and taken the sheets and duvet covers to use on mums bed, even though that’s a double bed and mums is a single bed so it doesn’t fit. There’s a big sign in there saying not to use it, but apparently that’s in invisible ink.

i know it seems a trivial point but it means yet more laundry for me to do at the weekend, and if mum has another accident before then, the mattress will get soiled and then I’ve got the job of buying a new one, being there to accept delivery, and arrange disposal of the old one. It’s one more effing job to do. There’s still a big hole in the ceiling downstairs from the Big Toilet Leak Disaster that I can’t face dealing with just yet. Aaargh, is it too early for gin?!

I had to leave mum's early last night. I just felt like my head was going to explode.

1. conversation is now on a sub 10 minute loop, the number if topics has diminished and it's like she'sreading from a set script as the wording barely changes each time.

2. to try and vary the conversation I told her DB2s partners mum died suddenly a few days ago so he's been all over the place supporting her. Mum said that she thought partners mum always looked really ill so it shouldn't have been a surprise. Mum has never met partner (not white, she wouldn't approve) let alone her mum.

3. when she had a falls risk assessment back in May the biggest piece of advice was to change the type of shoes she wears. It took a lot of work together her to accept that her very worn out, cheap and nasty to start with slip ons were not ideal and get her to agree to something more suitable. Got new shoes middle of June and they are sitting on the shoe rack unworn and she was just back from the corner shop in a pair that even a slob would have binned months ago. Completely worn out with holes and with the back trodden down. Now denying that she ever falls.

4. if I had to explain that I am not working years past state pension age (I'm 65) one more time I was in danger of spontaneously combusting. I must have explained half a dozen times in less than an hour.

I know she can't help it but coming after a day of trying to sort my own complicated bit of admin and a full day's work it was too much last night.
On top of that golden balls DB1 has completely gone to ground and doesn't appear to be even reading the WhatsApp group messages to the extent DH started wondering if he has died. I'm not phoning him, that always ends in an argument bit it means DB2 and I are making decisions without his input and he will kick off that we've made the wrong ones which is just hard cheese.