Mum in care home temporarily

Only child here but now my mother is dead and MIL in a care home I actually have a life of my own and I no longer want to vomit when the landline rings. I know that your focus is taking care of others but if you don't take care of yourself then you are no use to anyone. As they say on the plane safety talk, put your own oxygen mask on first.

If your mother has capacity then it's her decision that counts. That doesn't mean that you have to then be responsible for what happens as a result. If it's her choice then what happens is her responsibility. If she doesn't have capacity then your phrase is "no, I can't do that". It's not your job to come up with solutions, someone has been trained to do that and is paid to do that but it's easier for them if you volunteer to take on the work. Tell it like it is, you're on your knees and can't go on any more. You can't continue to provide the support that you have been doing. Any proposal they come up with must cover all the assessed needs rather than relying on "the family" for support. If they said "the daughter" then it might be clearer how impossible the task is but "the family" implies a team effort.

FIL used Internet banking and had opted out of receiving statements and when he got sepsis there was no chance to change anything. MIL theoretically had access except she had never been set up for online banking and she was paralysed and non verbal - couldn't read, write or take so it really was theoretical. She had moved into a care home when FIL got very ill so cancelling the utility direct debits etc would have been a nightmare if there wasn't a POA for FIL. Basically as soon as we knew he was dying DH cancelled everything he could. He had just over 24 hours before FIL died to sort out as much as he could then we were stuck. Because MI inherited his meagre savings the assessment needed to be redone but we had no access to her account.

There are criteria as to who meets the threshold for different levels of funded support - note funded, those who self fund of course can choose. The threshold for residential care is pretty high, they will be assessing in the current home whether she can be trusted to stay in the house (a major issue with dementia is getting lost) pour cold drinks, make a hot drink, make a simple meal (eg microwave a meal), use the toilet unaided - if she can do most of these she will not qualify for state funded residential care but should qualify for at least one if not two visits per day to check on her and help her shower etc. you can also ask about getting help with shopping, general household tasks etc stating you are now unable to help. Funding for residential (not nursing) homes is pretty rare unless there is moderate dementia

Apologies if this has been mentioned but if not you can get so much advice and support from Age Concern. They were 100% on it when we were in a similar situation and were also able to point out legal things that OTs, GPs and SWs had failed to tell us.
I'd definitely recommend a call to Age Concern (we used Age Cymru and they were great).

It sounds like the worst thing would be for your mum to come home. I've been there with my mum also vascular dementia which was suddenly and slightly "miraculously" instantly diagnosed on her final admission to hospital. it wasn't a surprise to dad and me but we were surprised they'd set us off down the memory clinic route if the head CTscans from her various falls over the years were sufficient to diagnose.
This is the point at which you have to stay strong and be very firm with the social workers. Just remember you are acting in your mothers best interests, she's too far gone to come home by the sounds of it if 4 carer visits wasn't enough. Just keep pushing back hard, and get everything in writing if you can as unfortunately SW have been known to twist things shall we say when things are reaching crunch point. I found it so hard having to act this hard nosed bitch to them but found it easier because I was doing it for my dad, he couldn't cope with her on his own age 96 and it was dragging him down mentally and hurting him physically. You will need to fight very very hard though as they were saying to us that my mum would be fine at home on 4 visits a day and a downstairs bedroom (no downstairs bathroom though), with would have been a disaster. fortunately M&D had the resources so we found her a place in a lovely nursing home (the SW were trying to say she didn't need nursing care!)
So I wish you all the very best with this, but you are going to need to push back very very hard for your mums sake as much as your own.

That’s interesting and not my experience at all. I was able to deal with the finance team at the LA, I had his bank statements which came monthly to show his financial situation, I was able to have his state pension paid directly to me so I could pay some of his care home fees. The only problem was I couldn’t stop and direct debits from his account and his private pension provider couldn’t speak with me, but were very understanding. He had a credit card debt of around 2K which the CC company wrote off once the social worker provided a letter to state he was now in permanent care.
I did end up applying for Guardianship as he has property that needs to be sold.

It was admin stuff. Sorting FILs (not very big( pension so his mum got the surviving spouse bit was a nightmare until he got the POA sorted so he could confirm it could still be paid into exactly the same bank account that had been joint and was now in his mum's sole name. She ended up being paid 16 months backdated.
It's the stupid things you don't even think about in advance. When MIL had her stroke she was in one of those book clubs that send you a book a month. FIL had a nightmare cancelling that because there was no POA. It was that made him set one up for himself. He didn't sort it for MIL because she wasn't expected to live very long but in the end she outlived him by nearly 18 months. When she went into the care home when he died we couldn't get the LA financial assessment sorted until we got her POA done and all the time they were billing full fees that were going unpaid. We knew she would only be paying in the basis of her pension but it was extra unnecessary stress getting a monthly statement that was well over £30k by the time we could access bank statements.

I didn’t have POA for my DSF but was down as his point of contact. My views were very much listened to.

You need to arrange a professionals meeting to discuss the next steps - this should be held at the home your DM is currently in, with her key worker or care home manager, social worker, OT/Physio, yourself and your DM.
Tell the SW that you want the mental health team to assess DM for capacity beforehand. Make sure you take all the notes made by carers who supported her when she was at home, and ask for her hospital notes to be available, showing the state of her health upon admission to hospital.
Make it very clear now that it is unsafe for your DM to return home. I dealt with my stepfather’s SW via email - that way I had a record of all her recommendations. It’s very concerning that the SW has said there isn’t enough money for DM to be in a home - this is very unprofessional. If the info from professionals is not available at the meeting, then postpone it there and then. Do not let the SW railroad you! It took 3 months before we had all the info for my DSF whereby it was agreed he had to stay in a home permanently - the SW kept assuming I’d look after him but I made it very clear that wasn’t possible. ‘There is no one to look after him in his home’ became my mantra.

If the OPs mum is receiving housing benefit there is no fee for registering POA (which isn't a lot anyway) and you don't need a solicitor, many people complete the forms themselves so it could be done at zero cost. DH found it invaluable for sorting out his mum's affairs, cut through any aggro, and she was in a similar financial position.

I am 69 and in your position exactly with a beloved mum of 91. Mum owned her own home and private carers attended 4 times a day on a LA payment plan I fought for meaning mum paid only a small percentage. BUT lots of other things came my way, even if just a light bulb failed - carers do not change lightbulbs and I would be telephoned to attend.i am a widow. I have three siblings . None would assist. Then I got pneumonia, possibly due to being run ragged by the situation. My hospitalisation resulted in the loss of the support I provided and mum was moved to local authority care home. Her house was sold to pay for this but she is safer and better. You have to withdraw your support, but I just couldn’t do it and became ill myself which resolved matters

I completly disagree actually.

LPOA is probably pretty useless in this scenario. It doesn't sound like the OPs mum has any assets so the financial LPOA will just be a pointless expensive waste of time as managing her money sounds like it could be done through a normal (free) DWP appointeeship.

The OP could perhaps get Health and Welfare LPOA if her mum still has capacity to give it, but at the moment its in her interests NOT to have it as holding it legitimately puts the ball entirely in her court on decision making for her mum.

That is all well and good if you have the funds to back up the decisions you want to make but it doesn't sound like OP or her mum do have the funds to pay for residential care privately if the state say she isn't eligible for it through them, so having LPOA would make OP responsible but without the funds to actually facilitate the decisions.

At the moment the OP holds all the cards even if it doesn't feel like it. She has no legal responsibility to make decisions about her mums care which means the state must make and take responsibility for those decisions. If they try and push it on to her she can push it right back.

You don't have to. That's the point.

As another poster said upthread, get the POA done as a matter of urgency, before there’s any dementia diagnosis, many solicitors will do a “home visit” so you can get it done while she’s in the temporary care home.

Also as has already been said, push it right back to the SW…you cannot and will not be involved in caring for your mum. The SW budget is not your or your mum’s worry, but appropriate needs based care is her right

OP I'm sorry I suggested an unsafe discharge when your mum is already in a care home. I was getting you mixed up with someone else.

You may find this thread illuminating:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

It was the SW that said there was no money available for care homes, but I can’t see an extra care home would be any cheaper?

Its 'cheaper' because the rent/housing costs for extra care come out of the housing budget as housing benefit rather than the social care budget. Cost to the state is the same but the social care budgets are under immense pressure.

Regardless, unless the social worker has already completed the assessment they shouldn't be making any decisions about what care is needed or basing their decision about care needs on financial reasons. If residential care is the the assessed need then it should be provided.

If the social worker feels she can be moved out of residential care then they need to make all the arrangements to make that happen. They absolutely can't make you start looking for extra care housing placements and sort it all out.

Just be clear in the meeting that you don't agree her needs can be met outside residential care and that you won't be facilitating it to happen. If they want to go to the effort and take on the risks of moving her into extra care/ home then that is their professional responsibility.

In my experience SW’s will leave you doing the care, so you have to say that you won’t be doing any if she goes home. No shopping, no popping in to check on her, no accepting phone calls if she falls. Pull right back. You have to let her fail to get her where she needs to be.

The reason she’s doing well now is because she’s being looked after in the care home 24/7 and she’s getting all her meals prepared and staff check she’s eaten, so she’s put on weight. If she were to go back home tell SW you feel it wouldn’t be acceptable to send her home, as she wasn’t coping before. It’s bad that at 92 she can’t stay in the care home permanently. Also ask the care home manager her thoughts as SW should take those onboard.