Mum in care home temporarily

@Metoo15that's so good to hear. It's such a relief to know she's happy and cared for. You'll be able to relax with your DH and take those holidays!
Keep the pressure on the SW and get the care home staff on your side. Let us know the outcome

My DM was in the exact same situation in November. I was in touch constantly with my DM'S SW and emphasised how unsafe it would be for mum to go home to her flat. This is in bankrupt Birmingham so I was worried they'd try to not allocate a care home. Anyway, they didn't hesitate. Meanwhile I looked at care homes and found the one she is in currently. We're fortunate enough to pay a top up fee of £90 a week on top of the council funding but it's an absolutely lovely place and she's thriving. It's also a relief to know she's been well looked after. Family visit as often as they did but now it's quality time with mum instead of doing jobs etc. Good luck, I hope your mum continues to do well.

However, @Pussygaloregalapagos

The OP has an absolute right to enjoy her own life. She is nearly 70 herself and had been caring for her mother for many years.
She can no longer cope.

Please don't try to guilt trip women in this appalling situation.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Hi there.

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That sounds like a very good outcome @Metoo15

im glad you’re mum was able to speak up & say what she wanted ie not to go home

if the SW comes back saying they won’t pay, please do get onto Age UK straight away. I used to do casework with them & I’ve successfully challenged social services refusal to pay on a number of occasions

Her mum cannot go home just because she wants to. Lots of elderly people think they can manage, and assume that family will be able to help. For many, that situation is totally untenable and the person doesn't have sufficient capacity to make that decision so no, the OP mum's wishes are not paramount.

Why would her mother allow anything different? A decent parent wouldn't.
Her wants at the end of her life don't trump anyone else's in the prime of theirs.
That sounds promising OP and your mother sounds lovely, understanding and most importantly, realistic.
Stick to it.

Sorry I was trying to the reply about the OP withdrawing all help for her mother. Please love and care for her don’t just dump her on the local authority. They are on their knees already.

Why would you do that to your mother?!?!

Well, that's looking positive, OP.

Capacity isn’t all or nothing. It should always be assessed in the context of the decision to be made. You can be incapable of assessing an investment opportunity but still capable of deciding whether you want the pneumonia jab.

The social worker can complete the capacity assessment if they suspect your mum may lack capacity around the decision. It doesn't need to be a medical professional and (although I may be biased here) often social workers have a better grasp of the mental capacity act and completing capacity assessments than medical professionals do.

The 'joining the dots' stuff is known as 'executive functioning' when doing capacity assessments - the social worker should be assessing not just if mum can make a choice/give an answer about what her choice but also demonstrate she is able to retain the information, and weigh up the pros and cons of the decision to be made long enough to be able to make an informed decision.

Just a word of warning, lifeline pendants do not always work. A relative had a fall while getting undressed for bed. The alarm did not go off and the relative lay on the floor undressed and cold for many hours until a carer found them next morning. That fall had disastrous consequences for relative's health.

Here's a link to that thread again:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2?page=1

@Metoo15 Even if your mother is deemed to have the capacity to decide where she would like to live, you still have the right to decide that you are not going to be the one caring for her at home and facilitating her wish.

You must make that very clear to any SW who tries to guilt you into the usual default position for women. We do not have to do this. It is all right to say "no".

Capacity is usually assessed by a psychogeritrician - a psychiatrist who specialises in treatment of mental health in older people

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/making-decisions-for-someone-else/mental-capacity-act/

Thora Hird in Alan Bennet’s Talking Heads: A cream cracker under the settee - another perspective on “being safe”.

Hi. I don’t know if mum has capacity because she hasn’t got a dementia diagnosis. Capacity is not the same as a dementia diagnosis. You can lose capacity without a dementia diagnosis, a dementia diagnosis does not mean you have lost capacity.

Capacity should in any case be decided on a question by question basis. You may have lost capacity to manage your investments but still have capacity to decide whether you want fish or chicken for tea, or indeed to decide she wants to live at home with all the risks that involves.

What she needs now outweighs what she wants. Today is the best she will ever be. Your aim is to facilitate her safety by whatever means. If that means being 100% uninvolved to force the issue then that's the way it is. You won't be visiting as far as the SW is concerned remember.
Most people in care homes would probably rather be at home. That's just unfortunate if we're all now living to 101 with all the physical and mental failings old age that brings.
Sometimes ideal is unobtainable and good enough has to do.

OP - all you have to say re withdrawing your help and support for her is something along the lines of 'I don't believe my mother can now live safely in either her own home or extra care housing. As a result, I will not be able to offer any assistance if social services decide that she should attempt to live outside of a residential care home setting,'