Struggling to cope with stroke parent and feuding sibling.

@lovingson I thought for a moment you might be my husband as we are in similar situation (FIL deceased fairly recently; MIL went to pieces and has subsequently had a stroke and now in a care home. Flips between imagining she still lives with FIL and her life is great, and wanting to end it all. Much of the heavy lifting is left to my husband as his brother finds it all too difficult).

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave him. You are important too.
Your mother is in a good place and looked after. You are not responsible for her happiness. Decide what you are able to give (maybe that's visit her once a week for an hour; maybe it's visit more often). Ignore what your sibling is doing - if they want to give less, that's up to them.
If she keeps talking about assisted suicide then just firmly move onto neutral subjects.

Yes, it's hard. Good luck.

@BlueLegume I often think if someone else's parent said these things, it would be so much easier to shrug off. But these little comments really sting with your own, don't they?
With my mother, we end up being so careful what we say, because we learnt that sharing family news often gets responses like 'lucky you' 'all right for some' 'they never come to see me' and it's draining. A combination of irritation and guilt possibly.

Conversation is either bland or I relent and join her in a good bitch about the neighbours, just to keep her happy! She can be very sweet sometimes but a lot of the time we are walking on eggshells. It's such a shame.

@Lovingson Happy 60th! Enjoy a break. Your Mum is in a safe place and a break will be a tonic for you. It’s horrid hearing negativity from parents and family and sometimes I think we do pick up on things and latch onto comments when we should shrug them off. Thinking of the ‘lucky you’ comment about your holiday. Our Mum is so negative in a really passive aggressive way, but then again she always always has been. It sort of makes you realise we are often complicit in allowing poor behaviour in life but then when things do go wrong we realise that the other person is only ever going to be a worse version of themselves. A perfect storm really of us all trying to cope with a tricky situation and them an exaggerated version of their worst self. You didn’t cause this situation and you cannot cure it. Have a good break. Be kind to everyone around you and most importantly be kind to yourself.

Enjoy your holiday @Lovingson and happy 60th birthday! You are welcome here. Sometimes its good to just chat about the difficulties of life with other people who are going through the same.
Do have a read of some of the other threads, and you'll realise you're not alone.

This is a long running thread you might find interesting and helpful

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5008671-cockroach-cafe-spring-2024

I hope you're ok OP.

It's not fair of your DM to ask for you to euthanise her! It's ok to say no, you can't help her this way.

The food thing is really hard and I'm in the same boat with my DF. He went through a phase of really enjoying cakes, then he couldn't chew anymore so chocolate mousse was ok, now he's given thickener for drinks because he struggles with liquids. It is pretty soul destroying, I've now given up taking him in food. It feels very lonely but believe me, you're not alone in struggling with this.

It's ok to ask for support from your GP if you're struggling mentally. I was on Prozac for a bit although it made me pile on the weight. I've now got beta blockers and do my best to keep fit. I know exactly what you mean about the Smirnoff but it's not a good thing for us at all.

@Lovingson hope you have got some sense of the support from us totally unqualified but massively experienced mob? You sound lovely…hug those near. Be careful about your health. Be present for those who love you and might not know how to help. Remember, you are not whingeing you are genuinely trying to reach out for help.

yoga, meditation can help too

But set your expectations low with your brother so that disappointment doesn’t eat you up.

rather then Smirnoff think exercise. A country walk or night stroll or cycle or wild swim or weight training/dancing in the house will offer you so much more relief then the bottle

Please keep talking, totally understand as this place has been a life line to me on a couple of occasions.

please talk to your own GP too if you’re having dark thoughts about helping her pass away. Good to talk to charities also - possibly Age U.K., mind, Samaritans.

if your brother is unaware of how awful things are, make him aware, ask him to step up, be direct

@Lovingson boundaries. Your mum is safe. Your well being is paramount. Let the staff look after Mum. Give anyone you’ve been grumpy with a hug or a kind text and ditch Mr Smirnoff for a few nights. We are a very varied community- vent when necessary but hug those close to you 😊

@Lovingson love your update. Focus on you and Mum. Sibling is not your problem. My experience is make a real effort with the staff at the home. Know their names and appreciate how much they care. Not sure if you have an activity coordinator but my experience is they are great and if you can help by being there to support them on days that might be enjoyable for Mum and you then the will love to include you. Really sound advice from@charlieinthehaystack re supp port available. Take care but keep us updated as well 🤗

one of the hardest damn things is watching a loved one suffer; i went through it twice with my parents and my dear fil just died after a miserable three years in a home. believe me if i had had the guts like you I would have ended their suffering, the hell my dm went through with cancer was terrible no dignity just pain and humiliation. It was at that time I lost my Christian faith how could there be a God when he would let one of his own suffer like that. Wars, famines, etc it didn't make sense to me.
I think you have a lot to deal with and bottling it all up/dealing with it alone is clearly more than you can humanly cope with. I can imagine that the visits to your mum must be crushing.
I would urge you to talk to your GP I know that the current situation is dire but in the short term please ring MIND they are there to listen and may be able to suggest more help in your area. Dont forget the Samaritans who are there 24/7 365 days of the year so in your darkest moments you are not alone,
it might not seem it but there will be light at the end of the tunnel

@Lovingson just read your post and want you to know there is a huge community of support on here especially under the Elderly Parent topic header. In terms of Catholic guilt, I do understand. However some advice given to me in recent years is that feeling guilt does not equate to you being guilty. If you are doing everything you can in the circumstances then you would be wise to accept you may feel guilty, a Catholic hang up, but you are definitely not guilty. Try and find some distance between the time and energy you can spend making your Mums time comfortable, but try not to overstretch yourself. You have not caused this situation and likely you cannot cure it. Please take care of yourself so when you see your Mum she gets a good feeling off you, tricky as that sounds. You already know this but Smirnoff is a fake friend and only adding to your sadness. Hope that’s not too preachy but medicating with a depressant is not something that will help. Take care and if you do want to share about the sibling then do….there are a lot of us here! I’m newish here but if you want to reply to a particular poster start your message with @ and then the name of the poster. Take care

I'm off to bed now, but I had a strict Catholic upbringing, so I know that the guilt card is strong. I will be back tomorrow if you want to talk some more. goodnight x

OK so you have posted in the wrong section, that's not a big issue, you can report your own post and ask for it to be moved to Elderly Parents. Also your sex is irrelevant, it's very difficult looking after elderly parents, and your mum's demands on you, re assisted suicide are unfair on you, without the religious aspects.

Lovingson welcome back. Just read your original post. I'm sorry your mum is still suffering. Religion is a load of old bollocks in my opinion. I don't think anyone will go anywhere when they die.... I just hope they find some peace. Sending you the biggest virtual hug 💐 🫂 💐