Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

@Badger1970 Sympathies on the switch. On a positive, at least you know they believe he's still got some time. Also, the nursing home if you can fast forward a few days to 03/01, it will look and feel different to the one you are experiencing today. The staff will shift up a gear when more of them are back from holiday. You are not seeing it at its best. Ignore your DSis message. He is safe and being cared for. Go get that sleep

To say something cheerful
Back from delayed geriatric clinic appt with mum (originally cancelled due to snow).

We thought it would be a waste of cab money but it was really helpful.

For years, cardiology treated her like a machine that needed fixing and other issues were dealt with by GP.

Today, a geriatric doctor spent a good amount of time with her and also talked to me.

I won't bore you but I guess she got what GPs used to have time to do - a holistic and realistic view. Her persistent stomach problem was addressed and they said it's up to her but she can finally be prescribed something more likely to help - contraindicated with heart meds but they said they realise it's now a quality of life issue.

Also, the treatments and tests that have been recommended for her, they agreed there's no benefit and she is too frail for any treatments anyway.

Finally, the receptionist asked if we'd had lunch - mum had to go off with a nurse for a physical - and said she was popping out to get hers so was happy to get us something. So we even had a a sarnie while between the two sections - I wasn't bothered but mum never eats before an appointment because of IBS - which she might now find improves. And how nice that someone had the time and kindness to offer.

The place was also fully accessible...logically. But none of the other hospital bits are okay without a long walk.

I wish she had been referred years ago tbh! We have needed this since she was 75! I think the age parameters changed on geriatrics.

Badger oh mate...big hugs.

did you find the nursing home to be okay?

when dad was on his last few months, he texted a couple of times to say he was scared. The hospital/hospice let me in any time. So I'd go and he'd forgotten he had texted and was asleep. After a few times, I rang them and they said he was fine but then he stopped texting anyway.

I know it seems awful but you kind of have to separate yourself in order to do your daily stuff. I still would sit and cry for a couple of hours though.

it sounds like you have a better balance on going, I was there pretty solidly and that was a mistake. With hindsight, I should have spent less time with him in his final months. Not a popular comment but true.

I really feel for you. My Mum went into a nursing home last week & I've found it stressful even with the support of DH. Is your sister expecting you to now sort these issues or is she helping to resolve? I'm an only child so am fortunate that I don't have any siblings working against me.

My Dad went into a nursing home yesterday, it's all been hugely upsetting and stressful. I cried for hours when i got home after 5 hours of settling him in and have about 3 hours sleep in 2 days.

My sister went today, and sent me a 3 screen whatsapp message of all the "issues" she found. And she's still griping that Dad's distressed and isn't understanding why he's not back home. I just said that she can discharge him anytime she likes, if she's offering 24/7 care for him.

Interesting...yesterday I was in such a rage, while also being admiring that she is able to do it.

I don't want it to spoil things between us. I just can't figure out how it goes now. So when she wants to meet up, can I say, "sorry, I'm too overwhelmed" etc or is that unfair. i normally cross over with her at mum's to avoid any more getting on trains etc. Plus the pubs round mum's way are much nicer!

my sis has rung with her next date to visit mum, so actually not stepping back as much as I feared. She has said that if anything happens, she wouldn't do the 18 hours at A&E that I've done.

But atm I think mum - and anyone - would be better refusing a hospital admission unless they've broken a bone or have necrotising faciitis (sp).

i was about to post on another thread but I feel I can't cope with how upset mum gets about things. I also have anxiety but I'm medicated and accustomed to managing alone. I understand why the things are upsetting but it just feels like adding layers of upset.

I am so glad my influence has got mum away from news! That would be more annoying.

@EmmaAgain22 and @Badger1970 and probably most of us...The tensions with siblings may be one of the worst aspects of the whole stage of life where your elders are more dependent, I think. It's miserable when it happens.

Thanks sandwich
how are you getting along?

my sister wants to distance herself from this now. In a way I am furious, in another I don't blame her.

it's complicated because I am so isolated post lockdown and also, you can't really talk to people about this stuff.

Hi @EmmaAgain22 it was an email from national grid just asking to confirm contact details etc. also said no power cuts are planned…. 🤔

sandwich thank you

did anything prompt your post btw?

Thanks for the reminder. Mum is covered by a different company, but I’ve registered with their extra care register.

Hope everyone is doing ok. I stayed away from the thread for a couple of days as I was getting anxious and it wasn’t helping. Mum is still in the assessment unit and we’re trying to do our best to move things along to get her out as she is fit to go once arrangements are in place. I’m chivvying things along as best I can, but there doesn’t seem to be a huge urgency to get her home. Apart from Mum, who is being driven round the bend by her new room mate who seems to enjoy a good moan. DB and I are wondering if her getting wound up is partially responsible for her cognitive improvement. We did use to joke that her decline was because she didn’t have anyone to bicker with since dad died, but now I wonder if we were actually closer to the truth than we realised. She was actually telling stories and laughing and joking this morning - two weeks ago she was zoned out and not responding to her name.

"D"H is stomping around swearing because he has lost an important letter relating to his mum. I have lost count of the times I suggestedputting everything in a folder and keeping it somewhere safe instead of leaving it on the kitchen worktop. He tidied the kitchen ready for Christmas and "put it somewhere safe". But "somewhere safe" was shoving it somewhere random not in a folder with all the other important paperwork. If he's like this now heaven help me when he is old.
We have previously had the same with the dogs vaccination records as he is getting ready to take them to kennels and countless other times but he never learns.

Just a quick message to ask if everyone has got their elderlies on the national grid priority services register so that they/ you get notified/ updated re power cuts etc.
just had an update email.
Sending gin/ supplies and cake to all.

Oh dear
I've just had someone on the phone - a recent acquaintance - who I thought had been oddly unconcerned about mum's stroke. She texted a bit but I dunno...I sensed she didn't get the potential seriousness of it.

she rang to say "sorry I haven't called before, what happened" and I think I told her too much. She seemed very shocked by it all and I thought she got off the phone quite quickly.

Her parents are early 70s and I should have said less, probably - she hasn't had to deal with any of this sort of thing.

Trying to make friends so rabbiting on about the stress of it wasn't very wise!

Hey all
any advice for this poster?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4706342-help-new-to-all-this-and-really-struggling?reply=122611564

Oh Badger that must be so hard. I'm sorry for everything you are going through, I wish I could say something more useful.

She and I are NC because of her bossiness and need to be right. She's never really taken on board his diagnosis, and even now doesn't accept he's dying. I know that denial is a way of coping for some, but she's made his care much much harder as a result. Dad asked me to look after his medical care and his finances before he got really poorly, so I was the person who palliative care dealt with and I'm next of kin on his paperwork which is of some comfort I guess.

I'll chat to the nursing staff tomorrow and explain that her visits are likely to agitate him, and will also try the tears. I'm quite adept at bursting into them at random moments so that's one tiny blessing

I would have a chat with his nurse again to clarify that if the nurse thinks it's necessary, they call you as well as your sister - because it's completely reasonable to filter her messages.

I'd also ask about the move. Cry on the phone if you have to. It's what I did last week.

Badger big hugs.

I'd be having words with sister about that. Is it stuff where it is important he is corrected?

I had a horrible day when dad insisted none of his hearing aids were working, me and the staff couldn't get him to understand that his hearing had deteriorated that much. So I did actually end up trying to sort it out.

but in the end I had to tell him, you can't hear properly even with the aids. I can understand if she is correcting stuff to save her sanity, but I sense from what you are saying, that's not the case?

I had a day off from visiting Dad yesterday, I think I hit the wall and spent the entire day in bed crying and sleeping. My sister is now visiting again, so Dad's agitation has gone through the roof as she "has" to correct him everytime, and she's messaged me twice to go in urgently as he's agitated to find him fast asleep so her messages are back on silent again. Dad is even more confused, slightly jaundiced and his appetite has completely gone. He's literally skin and bone, and they've upped the Haloperidol as he was getting agitated again. Today he thought he was in his childhood home and he asked me to get some hazelnuts from the trees in the garden on the plus side, the nursing staff said there's nothing in his notes about a move..........

half a day of peace at home before mum is on the phone with a very simple "problem" which doesn't need fixing, and which she has made 100x more difficult.

I've dropped mum home and I'm having a peaceful cup of tea and a mince pie. Taking mum out of her own environment is clearly not a good idea anymore. She did seem to enjoy herself but she had some big panics when she didn't know where she was, how she got there or how she would get home. She thought the person who had given her a lift here (me) had gone home without her while I was trying to have a conversation with her and when I went out to see to my horse she thought I'd gone home. A couple of times she was telling my DH about her daughter (I'm the only one).
Poor DS1 and partner had to go out for a walk in the pouring rain to give partner a break from being asked what her job is every 5 minutes.
DH hasn't seen her for a few months as we usually go in opposite directions to see our own parents or we'd have no time to anything else other than working he now understands why I come home exhausted.

I have no guilt about not visiting MIL until the New Year. She doesn't know what season it is, who I am or her own name so she's certainly not keeping track of the date or who has visited. I've had enough monologues over the decades about how Christmas is only for children and if it was up to her she wouldn't bother with a tree or the turkey. I see her just about every week through the year, I'm having Christmas off.

Well DM came to lunch and I took her to my brothers’s for tea this afternoon. She drank FOUR large glasses of red while she was here. I’d have been under the table but she seemed no different at all. Considering she’s very unsteady on her feet normally, I was impressed.

Happy Christmas Badger.

I've finished the visits for DM and MIL and they both went ok. The gruesome details of exactly how ill and frail they both are can be left to the imagination. As visits, they were all right. I am very much looking forward to two whole days NOT at work and NOT visiting elders. We all know how precious those days are.