Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

That’s great news @MereDintofPandiculation. Your dh is hardcore- I’m too much of a wimp to try cold cap.
good luck to everyone visiting oldies…. Up at dms later for filing sesh.. soo much paper……

Morning cockroaches. We are very much one step forward two steps back here. Managed to raise being taken for granted with DF regards not making appointments etc that he wants me to take him to without checking I am free first. He bought the DCs a present which is his way of apologising. When he pops in I carry on and do housework around him or sit with a cuppa and do things like online shop, update the calendar with the kids activities etc. and let him sit putting world to rights with some nodding, mmm yesses, oh reallys & we'll if you say sos. He stars chemo this week.
However FIL is declining before our eyes. I fear our attempts to get him closer to us or get some sort of care in place will be in vain. His tummy bug has floored him and GP phoned regarding an X-ray the week before when we took him to check out the increased breathlessness. He has fluid on lungs and "other masses", referred to respiratory to see if anything can be done about fluid and I can't exactly remember GP's exact cagey wording but fully expecting cancer diagnosis. I think he will crumble. In meantime he has agreed to occupational health assessment so hopefully get maybe a walker and additional aids in his flat. It's a start.
Holiday hanging by a very frayed thread. Which feels very selfish to even write when everything is turning to shit.

Totally. Wow. Mum's nursing home stopped doing tests some months back - I feel lucky. We still book time slots and actually I quite like that. I think what it does is reduce the number of times the staff have to come down to the door (very big centre).

MIL's residential home have changed visiting this month from a lateral flow test and a booked time slot to olden times visiting of turn up and ring the bell. It has made things so much easier for me, I can be ten minutes "late" without actually being late if you know what I mean.

Feeling for all of you today. Cockroach to everyone.

Spending tomorrow morning at my mum's nursing home and the afternoon at my MIL's nursing home [sigh]

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere 🌺🌺that must have been so hard. Glad you had your cousin with you.
All calmish here (touch wood) dealing with ongoing issues with cancer meds joyous side effects, but more able to get out and about.
Dm doing ok, but now my hair is growing back it’s all a bit yesterdays trifle….
sending good wishes to all cafe inhabitants old and news.

Tough visit with mum yesterday - my cousin always looks on the bright side, I tend to be more gloom and doom but even she agreed that things were not looking good. We arrived and the nurse said "Hairbrush's come to see you!"

Mum looked at me and scowled "Hairbrush who? Don't know who you mean!"

So it is official, she doesn't know me anymore.

When we took her through to the dining room she seemed to come round a little although she kept saying she wants to go home and doesn't understand why she can't. I brought out a card that had been sent to her to my address.
I opened it and gave it to her to read - she couldn't read most of it but made out the words "greetings" and "love" and read the signature of the friend who sent it.
She had signed it in her own name but mum talked about her by her nickname so she knew quite clearly who it was who had sent it.

Later on as we were talking I mentioned someone that my cousin knew not expecting my mum to remember him at all. But she knew straight away who he was, described his daughter in law accurately and remembered where she worked - this is a lady who died over 20 years ago and mum probably never exchanged more than a dozen words with her!

She had been clutching her photo blanket all rolled up on her lap and said "You can take this old towel with you - I don't want it!" Her blanket has been with her everywhere since she went into hospital last summer. Today she didn't recognise it at all!

I sat by her side stroking her arm all afternoon and she looked at me like she has never seen me before. Whether she remembers or not I am glad I see her every week - I just have that horrible sense that each time might be the last and I want to make it count.

Thank you for welcoming me into the fold! You are all right, she does want an audience and someone she can complain and moan to. I get it, I know things are tough for her and most days I can deal with it. It’s just occasionally it gets too much!

@MereDintofPandiculation I think you have it spot on. My sister and I suddenly realised we were seeking solutions rather than doing exactly what my parents asked and no more (so for example my dad asked me to pay a bill and I looked into getting it onto direct debit) we then realised they weren't asking for long term solutions and if everything went 'wrong' then providing they were still able to make those decisions it's their risk to take.

@Tupperwarelid welcome! @Knot has it spot on with the fact that they don't want a solution, just an audience, it's so draining. I too have spent hours researching solutions for my DM, only to have them rejected for no particular reason and it feels very personal and hurtful when you are genuinely trying to help. If mine is on the phone moaning, I often do the washing up, fold washing, knit, anything to not have to listen except for the occasional 'oh no, how awful'. I know that is a bad way of managing the situation but I literally cannot bear it, mine gets really angry and if the moan is in person, will bang her fist and shout and point at me.

She hasn’t had any visitors as all of her friends, except one, are dead, and her one surviving brother lives too far away to visit.

I posted earlier on this thread under another name… I live overseas and my Mum had a stroke and has been in hospital nearly three weeks now. I dashed back to see her (third trip back this summer due to her ending up in hospital).

I’ve decided not to go back until she has been discharged as I will be more use once she is home. I know she is bored in hospital and has had no visitors since I went back, but at least she is being cared for and has people to talk to. Her speech (thankfully the only thing that was affected) is coming back, which is making things easier for her. She is bored because she won’t pay to watch the telly above her bed (she is not short of cash), and didn’t bring her glasses with her so can’t read. I couldn’t find her glasses anywhere when I went back, so goodness knows where she has put them.

One plus about this stroke is that she is at least being pleasant to me, but I don’t think that’s going to last.

I felt better once I realised that mum wanted to moan but didn't want anything to change. I spent hours researching solutions to the problems she spent hours talking about and then had my feelings hurt when she dismissed my ideas without any thought. She didn't want a solution, she wanted an audience.

@Tupperwarelid let it all wash over you. If she was that upset she would have cancelled the carers. I wouldn't be happy having strangers come in my house at unpredictable times and I'd want to moan about it too. Sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not do, it's part of being an adult. We don't have to like it, we just have to get it done. If you want to stop the conversation, ask her what she thinks the alternative is, pause and change the subject. I have once resorted to "Oh no, not this again, do we have to go through it now?" but it's not always a good idea to say what you're thinking.

Today I've been grabbed by yet another neighbour wanting me to sell to them privately and save on the estate agent's fees. Yes, it would be a quick sale but seeing as I've already had approaches from four of them, it's going to sell quickly anyway. At long last I'm about ready to have the board go up and sell it. I'm nearly 60 and have never sold a house, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it at all.

Hi first post on this thread but I feel I belong here! DF has Parkinson's, he's in a bad way with lack of mobility, delusions etc. DM needs a hip replacement, it was due to be done about three weeks ago but was cancelled at the last minute. She's obviously really upset and it was made worse because she had found respite care for DF and was looking forward to a few weeks off the full time caring she was having to do.

They are both at home now waiting for her re-scheduled appointment in a few weeks and he will go back into the home for respite care. My sibling and I managed to convince her to have carers in for half an hour in the morning to help get DF up, showered and dressed. ( We have been trying for nearly a year, even before the appointment for her op came through). But according to DM they aren't right. They don't come on time, they talk too much, DF is sitting in his pyjamas waiting for them to come, she doesn't think they are charging her correctly etc etc.

I've just come off the phone after she has been complaining about them again and I just want to bang my head on my desk. She admits she can't physically do it but she doesn't think they are worth it. I pointed out it's not long until her operation so can she bare with it until then but she didn't really reply to me. TBH I think she just likes to have something to moan about. Sorry for the rant but I'm all out of sympathy at the moment.

For respite care I rang around and asked about vacancies. Ask them what they do about escorts for medical visits, MIL is in residential care and they organise hospital transport and provide an escort for £10 an hour. Once of the local care agencies does medical appointments as part of their service.

Whether it's residential respite or at home care is going to depend on what FIL will agree to, there's nothing stopping him cancelling either service the minute your flight takes off.

Yes, there will be care homes that offer short term respite, ie 1 or 2 weeks 'holiday'
The medical appointments would probably have to be facilitated by someone else though unless it's listed as a service they offer. (Obviously emergency medical care is part of the arrangement, just not routine appointments.)

Other than that, care agencies often do short term contracts like you describe, ask around his local area and ring them.

Both of these options would need to be paid for by him. Depending on how frail he is, it's sometimes better to look at the respite option as he'd still be alone between carer visits and someone still has to be a contact for anything that may occur in-between times.

The only thing you may struggle with is if FIL decides he doesn't want to go/doesn't want carers as it's still his decision to make and from experience they can be bloody minded at times like this!!

God that's long, apologies.
TLDR: where can we source care for increasingly frail needy FIL while we are on holiday next month

Morning cockroaches. Budge up I'm reclaiming my spot on the bad daughter's bench. I've been lurking and supporting you all quietly.
My own DF has had a cancer diagnosis, not curable but treatable. Due to start chemo soon. As you can imagine there has been appointments too many to count and I have taken him to every one despite a complete lack of thanks. Unless you count the time he phoned me in a panic with excruciating pain and feeling dizzy and I dropped everything to stay with him while he refused all other suggestions of help and he told me I'd done perfectly adequate. Anyhow, he is at least acknowledging that our dream holiday, booked for 2020 but happening next month should go ahead. I have cousins who will step in and make sure he gets to appointments.
The new dilemma is FIL who also still lives alone but an hour away. He is getting frailer and small medical niggles that need attention and help from DH. tbh I've had very little to do with it, we've both concentrated on our own DF. I've put a lot of FIL's behaviour down to attention seeking. His own DM ran my MIL absolutely ragged, outliving her by 6 years but was at her most needy when there was other big events eg birth of our children, when MIL needed op. Anyway, I digress the amount of help require by FIL is ramping up. DH has just had a call about an upset tummy (and the associated mess), this will be third call in four days. We've already started ball rolling for moving him closer to us and put a key safe outside his flat. He is in a retirement complex without any wardens or carers but there is a caretaker who is worth her weight in gold who has directed us to a couple of agencies who might provide support. I think I finally realised last night how worn down DH is by it all, I really want to make sure we get away and let him have a break.
Sorry that's long but my question is this, is two weeks long enough to find a temporary place for FIL, a holiday for him while we are on holiday? I don't think he needs a care home as such but somewhere that will keep him safe and clean and facilitate any medical appointments. Does such a place exist? Are we looking at £££ (he can afford it). or do we look for someone who we can pay to pop in once or twice everyday, be the opposite of in loco parentis? Are there agencies we should approach?

I have to say that the Lloyds app is fantastic for cheques. I’m named on DM’s account and do all her banking and simply scan cheques in on my phone. I don’t know if any other banks do it.

Our bank has a branch in our town but mum's doesn't. I don't know when she last needed a cheque to be paid in - definitely pre pandemic.