Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Pickle, you put two square brackets at each end of the link to make the link interactive. If you leave a space after the address and put in another word, it displays the word interactively instead of the link!

Hi Gerbil, how did you do that? I can post the thread, but not the clever 'new thread' link!

New Thread

Can you check it works, Yolo?
If so, I've learned something new today!

Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3186530-caring-for-elderly-relatives-pop-in-for-support-a-hand-hold-advice-whatever-you-need

we're going to need a new thread soon I think? anyone clever enough to start it and link to this one? (I could start but links beyond me!)

Went to see DM last night, as I do most nights, she is beginning to feel better which is great. OTH in the 25 mins I managed to stay she did not ask ONE think about me/what I'd been up to/kids etc. I deliberately didnt volunteer any info as was waiting to see what would happen. Not sure what to make of it quite honestly. obviously I had before during and after.

Hello everyone. Not much to report here, so I’m reading along, often nodding in recognition and sending supportive thoughts.

Definitely speak to the GP. The hospice staff alerted Mum's GP that he needed to keep an eye on her, as they found her behaviour somewhat unusual. He's had her in fortnightly since.

It's ok to shout at him. Possibly depending what you shout! Sometimes we protect people from our thoughts and emotions, more than we should.

Have some more . Though admittedly it's a little early for both. But needs must when the devil drives, as they say! Cheers!

Oh Worried - that's hard. I wouldn't be moving that skip either though. DHs grandfather kept insisting he was ok to drive right up to the end, we ended up removing the spark plugs so he couldn't start the damn thing.

Do you think it is self sabotage? He'd rather resist and argue and go a bit quicker than accept any Interference or loss of autonomy?

I'm a bit impatient. I dreamt last night that i told DM exactly how unkind she was being, and that I wasn't going to stand around and be insulted.

What would he say if you tell him it's accept it or risk lying dead on the floor for days until he's found?

It's worrying when you can't quite trust the others involved in their care.

Glad she's ok though.

I think we've got her sorted!
Told her to get into bed last night and generally stay there reading & listening to the radio with an extra duvet this morning.
In the meantime my brother managed to get a old school friend who knows my mum & lives closer to her to pop round and they got a plumber out in the end.
Bit conflicted as my brother wouldn't give me the contact number for the lady he spoke to at SS and said he would phone them. However in the meantime my dad had contacted them separately through some one he knew and they said they could get an emergency plumber and a fan heater out to her but it might take an hour or so. I don't know why my brother then told me that he had spoken to SS and they couldn't do anything at all. I know he hates 'the system' and if it's not his idea everything else is crap but I thought we'd got past that recently now I'm not so sure.

Oh wonky! Does she have any other form of heating?

Every time I think we've got something sorted (finally got 6weeks of carer visits / assessment through social services and got her attendance allowance sorted) some other disaster hits!
Mum's boilers gone off she's in the red weather warning area, we thought we'd got it fixed (my dad and her carer went round -they walked as they couldn't get there by car, and defrosted the condensate pipe up a ladder!) but it seems to last a few hours then freezes again. My brother is the closest other relative but is at the other end of the red area so even in a 4x4 he's going to struggle to get there and there's no way I could get there (300miles yeah right I've not made it out of the village for 2 days!) and anyway I'm at home with 2 kids as DH is away. We've got a plumber coming in the morning - if he can get there!

Sorry everybody else is having a hard time, hope things work out soon

oh yellow and others how hard it all is. I do sense a common theme about a sense of rejection (a few other boarding school 'survivors' on here!) and how hard it makes it when the oldies become dependent on you.

DM tells everyone else I am 'marvellous' but when she tries to be nice to me (which is not that often) I just think 'fuck off, you sent me away when I was 10, you dont really know me'. sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

Have only phoned her the last 2 nights as she thinks it is too cold/dangerous/icy for me to walk round - I'm fine with that, her daily help has been getting in every day so far but then they get paid for it...

Oops, I missed the update, sorry.

Ah, yellow. Don't be hard on yourself. We all struggle. I resent the emotional support my mum requires because she never gave me much. She and dad were totally bound up in each other. And she tries emotional blackmail, which makes it even harder to feel warmly to her.

When she moves closer to you, be clear in your own mind about what you can and can't help her with. So you could help her find a cleaner, but not clean for her. You could take her out to meet people at local groups, but then she needs to keep up those contacts herself.

And find some time to be nice to you! Sadly, the world doesn't throw us one problem at a time, and you need to pace yourself to get through.

Thank you , she has a hire car at the moment so that’s a help, but not sure how long the insurance will pay for that. It’s odd because in some ways she seems very capable but in others she is not . Simply cannot imagine her buying a new car without a drama.

Also increasingly worried about FIL who sometimes seems to be living a different reality to the rest of us .PIL are also financially dependent which is a worry .

I think dB does care in theory but he just has no idea of the reality🙁