Name changed but am a long time poster. I have sought legal advice but the advice was to try to speak to my ex husband as we are on good terms. However, because of the way he is I need to be very clear on what is fair and what is reasonable before putting any kind of idea to him as he's very rigid in his thinking on certain things and has zero empathy with no idea of what is actually reasonable. So wanted to ask the vast experience which makes up this board on what is fair and reasonable.
Have been divorced/separated 20 years and was married for 15 years with two small children now grown up although still supporting youngest at uni.
When we divorced, we made a verbal agreement in mediation that I would stay in the house but we'd split it 60/40 when I sold it when our children were grown up. I'd not have any claim on his pension but we cashed in an endowment and I got that which was about 10k which settled a credit card I had in my name but which had been used for driving lessons, a computer for freelance work, and house things.
I realised on speaking to him recently that he thinks the 60/40 split is based on the house value now and not what it was then. My understanding is that it was based on what it was when we split up as I was waiving my right to part of his pension. I had a valuation at the time and obviously it has gone up in value since then to the tune of around 100k. The mortgage is 120k and he will be in a position to pay off his half of the mortgage when it comes up for renewal next year. He works for a local authority and has a good pension. I had no pension as was a single Mum struggling for years doing freelance or part time work. I paid all house costs, insurance, mortage since 2006.
We get on well and he had to rent all that time while I got to live in the house with our chidren. I don't want to be unfair on him. The split was because he fell in love with his boss (didn't have an affair but would probably count as emotional affair) but mostly have realised he's quite autistic and really struggled with small children and just wanted to be out of the house. I grew to feel resentful and unsupported and when he admitted to being in love with his boss and wanting us all to be friends, I just said I'd had enough and wanted out. The lack of empathy for not only myself but for his children was tough in those early years.
Move to the current day and cost of living crisis and the fact the house needs repairs and I couldn't afford it on my salary alone and it's coming to the time of needing to sell, I needed a lodger and we actually get on well enough that I suggest he move back in, pays me rent rather than another landlord, and we do up the house together to sell it or even potentially just live separate lives in the house (I have no desire for another relationship). It means he gets to see his children when they're home and it works as well as it can do given the circumstances.
Obviously that muddies the water when we need to separate everything out. What on earth do I do? We get on well but I ultimately dream of my own little flat somewhere but don't know what to suggest in terms of splitting the house. It's not fair really if we do 50/50 based on what the house is worth now as I paid the mortgage alone for years (although he was paying rent elsewhere). I also would have been entitled at the time to some of his pension. I do have one now but not very old and I don't think I'll ever be able to retire. I had thought I might be able to downsize a bit and use some of the house equity for a pension.
Sorry that's long - just no idea where to start on what's fair. Obviously we should have had it written and signed at the time and it's my fault really that we didn't as I was just really struggling back then and struggling to stay on top of everything and I let things slip. Then it got too late and then I realised the misunderstanding. I'm happy to come to a new arrangement but want it to be fair to both of us.