AIBU? Male work colleague

He is not your therapist.

Stop treating friends as listening posts!

What the hell do you expect him to do with all of your anxiety dumps? Keep murmuring "There, there, it'll be all right" on repeat, endlessly? Why should he? It doesn't make any difference to how you feel. It's wearing and you're using him.

No, it's not an HR offence but you will never keep a friend if you always use people like this.

You texted him at the weekend to ask if he was angry with you?! This was so out of line. You placed the burden of your emotional well-being on him - yet again - during his personal time.

You're actually being selfish, even though you feel like you can't help it. You need to wise up to the fact that the world doesn't owe you reassurance. CBT would probably help you.

The previous poster meant that it’s not an HR matter at all, not just that they wouldn’t get involved unprompted. It wouldn’t be a matter of interest to them even if someone did report it. It’s a perfectly normal response to your situation to want to talk about it. Maybe if you talked about it again and wouldn’t let it go, and it was causing him demonstrable stress then it might be a different matter, but that is not the case here.

As I’m sure you know, with anxiety reassurances like mine above will make you feel better for a short while then you will like seek further reassurance (as you did with your friend). You’ve transferred your anxiety from you friend and the job situation to Mumsnet and your friendship. I would suggest seeing if you can speak to someone who can help you with anxiety because these patterns of thought and behaviour are debilitating. (I say that as someone who has tendencies towards anxiety so you have my sympathy).

This relationship seems very unhealthy. I don’t blame him for massively backing off. Nobody here can tell you if he will report you, however HR are very unlikely to do anything. Please get help for your anxiety. And leave him alone, if I were his wife I’d be so annoying by your incessant texting.

If it's not a wind up I think you don't understand anxiety. What you're doing here is making it worse.

Don't want to throw up? Then stop focusing on it.

Of course it’s not a sackable offence. I think you need to do some breathing exercises and keep yourself occupied this weekend because you sound like you’re on the edge.

I think the reason he’s distanced himself from you is because you appear to be having some sort of meltdown. I understand it’s because of your anxiety, but he is not your counsellor. He’s told you once already that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. You’ve exhausted his willingness and his ability to listen to you. And if you message him asking if he’s annoyed with you, you’re being really selfish. He’s not your rock. He’s your work friend. That’s it. You’re asking more from him than he’s able to give you.

I guess I just want reassurance my job will be ok and I won’t be reported by someone who’s usually pretty close to me! Nobody can reassure you about your job. Even the people who do know wouldn’t be able to tell you yet. But your friend will be fine. Leave him alone for a day or two and then message him on Monday, tell him you’re sorry for frying his brain, you just went into panic mode and you promise not to mention the R word again. Ask him if he had a nice weekend and then leave it alone. You sound like you’ve driven the poor man to the point where you’re affecting his mental health.

Let. It. Go.

now You also have the entire of mumsnet saying to you ‘please stop banging on about HR’ if you were acting like this over the redundancy then I can see why he wanted to make it stop.

If you just have a relationship based on jokes and banter, it’s odd to suddenly deep dive into your anxieties. Keep those for supportive friendships where you share your vulnerabilities. He’s just the fun guy in the office, not an emotional support!

Omg why are you still rambling on about HR??

And again its all about you.

I do have severe anxiety but I deal with it, not use it as an excuse to behave like that. Have you spoken to the gp about it or are you ignoring that question?

FFS.

OK im calling it! This is a wind up

Never seen someone say "I" or "me" so much ever.

Also am I missing something about redundancy, surely just get another job no?

For what? Being annoying or banging on about something isn't an HR violation. You have lost any ability to be rational about this OP, and genuinely need some help to break this cycle of thinking

Omg Op either you are a bot or you are an extremely annoying person.

God I hope so.

Edit to add: But, no. Probably not.

But no one can give you the reassurance you are looking for. He doesn't know what the outcome will be, so it will be wildly frustrating for him that you keep asking.

No one actually enjoys listening to someone else's anxiety going round in circles. He's been patient and kind by the sounds of it. But he has tried to tell you to STFU in a nice way. And by the sounds of it, this isn't the first time, it's just the first time you've realised he might actually be a bit annoyed by it.

You need to do it.

Leave the poor man alone to enjoy his weekend with his family. Before you said you were both married, I thought you were going to confess to being in love with him. It certainly sounds as if you’re emotionally dependent on him and he’s sick to death of it. Don’t text him again! Get some paper and a pen and write down all your current anxieties. Sometimes getting it out of your head and written down can help calm the mind.

OP, do you talk to this man in the same way you’re responding on this thread? Because I’m finding it incredibly frustrating reading your replies. You’re not listening to anyone; you just keep asking if you think you might get into trouble and then when people say “no, but you’re clearly being weird and unfair to your colleague” you just keep saying “but I have anxiety so I lean on him and I this and I that…” as if all that matters is you.

Your colleague told you to stop banging on about your anxieties and you still wouldn’t drop it because you didn’t give a toss about his feelings on the matter.

The only thing you actually care about is making other people repeatedly reassure you. You don’t give a shit about how anyone else might feel about having you lean on them. You kept repeating the same anxiety over and over again to your colleague and you’re now doing exactly the same on this thread. It’s really draining for other people.

Look it's not that serious OP

He's just sick of you going on and on and being expected to constantly reassure you.

You're still workmates. So how about next time he gets in touch or you have coffee or whatever spend the time asking about him, be interested in what he has to say.

And please please go and see your GP about your anxiety. It's normal to you but it really isn't something you can deal with alone.