AIBU? Male work colleague

Jesus Christ OP! You are insufferable! And I’m speaking from someone who has had severe anxiety most of my life. You need to find another way to channel this, we live in a world with a million reasons to be anxious regardless of a diagnosis.

I was fully understanding until I read your replies, so many people have told you he won’t go to HR, and you keep questioning it over and over. It makes me wonder if there’s more to this and how badly you really have dumped onto this man, especially for you to be so paranoid over this. Just leave it alone! Why would a man go to HR over something like this especially after he’s had his fair share of ‘banter’? Including racially!

Without a doubt he just wants to be left alone, and I don’t blame him TBH

Edit to add- You seem to be self diagnosing a lot here as well! As others have stated, you do not have PTSD from a threat of a job! This is offensive to people who have PTSD.

there is literally no way he would report you to HR, mainly because it would reflect badly on him to report such a non-event. What would he even say 'She kept talking to me about something when I said I was done talking about it?' He'd look like an absolute over-reacting weirdo at best, and as if he were trying to shit-stir at worst, neither of which would reflect well on him.

Agree with others you absolutely need to get therapy and work on your anxiety.

Yes they could. It sounds like you’ve gone too far treating him like your safety blanket. You need to find a way to regulate yourself and manage your anxiety. If that means going to your GP and getting medication that helps you manage it - then do it.

If you’ve been told you’re at risk they should be providing you with support services which you can use.

He is going through this as well and he doesn’t need you piling it on for him.

I went through a redundancy process and it’s not nice but it’s a fact of life.

I don’t quite get it - what do you think he could possibly report you to HR for? Talking to him too much about redundancy? He look pretty stupid if he did that surely. Agree with others that it’s hard to know for sure but from the way you’ve written it is sounds like you might have come across a bit self absorbed and been repetitive about the subject in a way that was annoying and insensitive. So just try to learn from that and ask him more about himself next time.

Politely, you're very irritating. You're constantly seeming reassurance from us on here, too. You're not going to have any friends left if you keep being this annoying, he must be exhausted

Firstly, PTSD is a serious mental health issue related to deep trauma. Worrying about redundancy would NOT come under this. If you’ve used this kind of language and repeatedly gone on and on about it when he clearly wanted you to stop you’ve risked a friendship but that’s not HR worthy. Get counselling for your anxiety. And you shouldn’t be relying on your friend as your ‘safe space’ . That changes the dynamic in work. It’s great you have a close friend, particularly when things are difficult but if you keep going on and on and on, which you clearly did, he’s going to get really irritated.

I agree. To be honest I got tired of hearing about it reading your post so I can imagine how draining he felt. I understand you feel anxious but maybe stop and think perhaps he does as well and you were stressing him out. Look in to getting yourself help so you don't alienate people.

If you’ve no idea that you are harassing him why would you think he would go to HR?

i doubt he will but you need to respect peoples boundaries and if they tell you they don’t want to soeak about something then you should respect that. Try and stop leaning on him and needing support or he could end up going to HR

You may wish to consider:
Looking into whether you need some help with anxiety.
Thinking about whether being flirty with someone at work is the best way forward - it's different to banter (as long as it is banter that the other person is also happy with) and can give a message. It could get you in awkward situations.
If someone makes it clear they don't want to talk about something, think whether you should ignore this and continue talking about it - would it be better to talk it through with your husband.
These things could all make you happier in future.

FFS if I read the words HR one more time. READ what people are saying and for Christs sake get some help.

I’m only a few responses in and can tell you’re not listening to what people are saying - he’s annoyed you brought up the same topic again and again

If you want to resolve it before Monday, you've only got tomorrow, which I assume is a non-workday and therefore not the day to fix your friendship, unless you have already fixed it.

However, as you have been told by every poster on this thread, he has in all probability not gone to HR, not only because this minor difficulty between two colleagues is not an HR matter (you are grown-ups and HR is not mummy or the company nanny) but because redundancy tends to focus the mind and he has a wife, so other things to think about.

Incidentally, another thing not logical is expecting a colleague to provide reassurance about redundancy because he will not know what criteria the senior team and HR are working to.

Typo

You need therapy, asap. You possibly have Pure O OCD.

Seeking reassurance only feeds the monster and won't help long term. It will just come around again. You have to learn to sit with such thoughts.

Good luck to you.

You weren’t having a panic attack. You also don’t have PTSD.

I’m agree. Throwing around PTSD like this is fairly insulting to those who actually have it.

Knowing someone who does you aren’t even close.

Now that's not logical. Surely you would take steps to fix the friendship so he wouldn't report to HR, not risk finding out that he had reported to HR and then tried to fix the friendship. That would be closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Have you read your company's behaviour policy now? If so, has it reassured you that there are no grounds for him to report you to HR?

Try to be less self-absorbed in future. People who witter on about their own mental health tend to be less bothered about that of others.

Where are the expected boundaries here as not only do you work together but you have partners at home.?

Platonic friendships are obviously possible but do you think he has misread the signs of dependency you were giving out? . You need to back pedal a bit and give him a break for a few weeks as it's clear he was finding you a bit intense. Work place friendships can be almost as awkward as work place romances, if there is a falling out. Respect his boundaries, and maybe message him in a few weeks with a bland message like ' sorry I've not been in contact for X weeks but I've been really stressed recently. I'm back on track now, if you'd like a catch up soon. No pressure!'

I'm not sure you should be using terms like PTSD (which people suffer after significant trauma like rape, human trafficking, or being present at a natural disaster or incident such as a plane crash), or panic attack (when your breathing is very rapid and your heartbeat very high). You have described a conversation that has caused you to be anxious, with spiralling thoughts.

You're not having a panic attack and you don't have ptsd. You do need medical support though

Respectfully, @mumlearningtorun, you need to stop throwing around terms you’re completely misusing. What you describe (endlessly bothering your colleague for reassurance about your job) isn’t a ‘panic attack’ — a panic attack is a set of physical symptoms like dizziness, chest pain, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, that lasts a relatively short time but is terrifying. When I described the symptoms of one to my GP years ago (I thought I’d had a heart attack, despite being a fit, healthy woman in my 30s), he sent me straight for an ECG to rule out anything organic, then prescribed beta blockers and therapy.

Just like you don’t ‘have PTSD’ from thinking you were going to lose your job last year. PTSD is a real condition, to do with having experienced something shocking/life altering/life-threatening. Could be active combat, rape, abuse, a serious accident, a natural disaster etc etc.