I’ve failed raising my ds

Firstly, it is his father who has failed him. Secondly, life circumstances have been incredibly hard for you. For this, you must cut yourself some slack.

However, you now acknowledge there are huge problems, whatever and whoever caused them. There is some very good advice on here to help you draw a line under what has led to this point and begin to find support for him. But you seem quite resistant to the advice - including the involvement of social services.

It is clear you have reached a point where you cannot turn your/ your son's lives around without significant outside intervention. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but it's only within your gift to change things. I strongly recommend you putting in a self referral to social services. It is not the stigma, or the failure, you probably think it is.

Good luck.

No but going to a different school probably would have been

There are college course for kids without GCSEs so I would also start looking with him for Sept so he has something to look forward to etc.

I think all you can do now is try and connect with him in some way.
Definitely don’t worry about the messy room.
I really don’t like the way he is speaking to you. I would tell him the next time he is in and calm that you love him and because you love him you won’t be replacing his phone if he breaks it again- that’s not how the world works and it’s not doing him any favours.

Is there anything you can do together? A hobby he would like to take up, or going out for food or a film? I would start there,

What does he do for money at the moment? What’s his routine like? Does he ever open up to you?

You deregistered him from school in year 7 and he’s now nearly 17 - has he had any regular education at all? Daily tutors? Did he have therapy? You said he was bullied - he could’ve moved schools. It sounds like he’s had a lot of spare time to mix with the wrong people in real life and online. I think it’s too late for you to do anything now as he’s almost an adult and he’ll need to want to change.

So he has no GCSEs? He must feel very lost and like he has no future. I’d be trying to get him into some kind of college apprenticeship. He can’t be left to reach adulthood without any prospect of a decent job.

Being beaten up in school on a daily basis would have been better?

I'm sorry but she has failed him, pulling him out of school and not bothering to home educate is a choice. Even more so with the mental health challenges she has had he would've been better off in school

I think once you've got an adult sized young person and just one involved parent you inevitably need outside support to turn things around. There's no shame in contacting social services here OP.

@Cailin66 The army are highly unlikely to be interested in a traumatised 17 year old with no education whatsoever and behavioural issues!
Neither are most places offering apprenticeships…. apprenticeships are very competitive.
Op does however need external support, at this point things are way past what she alone can fix! Social services would be a first step to at least signpost

I think your best bet now, if you're able to, is to build a relationship with him. It's not going to be easy as he's clearly angry and stressed out and very upset about being left to his own devices (literally, with phones) and ignored by his father, which for boys is especially important as it can provide a role model for becoming a man. But it can be done

The p*rn thing is especially concerning and I think a good relationship with you as a woman and his beloved mama would be a good starting point in trying to connect to women in a less insane manner, which to be fair society is allowing by making such content readily available to all.

As a first step I would say that you need to help him with the tidying of his room. I'm assure you're fed up with it but it's a great place to start making him feel supported by you and loved despite everything, even if late in the day. Go to him and tell him you'll help tidying up his room as long as he spends time doing that with you and that you'll go through anything, together. Being a teenager he'll probably mock you in some way for saying that but part of him will take it in and make the most of it. Stick to it. It will take time and dedication and you'll have to be there every day doing something together. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as you talk to each other and it doesn't have to cost the Earth as long as it's a fun thing to do. What are his likes that are positive and healthy? Skateboards? Swimming? Walks on the beach? Music? Ask him or observe what he pays attention to.

At least you've been present, if not attentive. Forgive yourself your wrongs and arrange some fun (for him) activities together. It isn't too late but you have to do it. Dedicate your full attention to him in a positive way as in not just when you're angry about something. I know it can be exhausting and discouraging but see if you can try. Good luck!

If he has had no educaton since 11 he is going to need to catch up on the basics before going onto an apprenticeship. College should be able to give advice on access or similar courses. You need outside help of some sort. There are many local programmes available in most areas. Have a google for things like family support, work support. If you call the the education dept of your local council they may be able to point you in the right direction.

At 17 he really needs to do some sort of college course or apprenticeship to be able to have some life chances op. Take a look st this you can filter by age amd qualification level. If he did an apprenticeship he could get a wage and likely have a good male role model as well. You need to tell him that he will need to start earning and present something like this as an option. Also agree some house rules. https://www.skillsforcareers.education.gov.uk/your-training-options?utm_medium=Search&utm_source=Search&utm_campaign=YP-Eng&utm_term=PPC&utm_content=Interim&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23085553161&gbraid=0AAAAAqpLasyfYJV2vYmOPQWi8GzHNfwZn&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-zWBhAdEiwAqlRf-PyXlnE54yC5Uxiz8QjwA8EZzhM7QbPWhL7QwFcJEc8L72OcO2T9bxoCpPgQAvD_BwE

if he smashes his phone he doesn’t get another or he gets a dumb phone. natural consequences.

speak to your internet provider and the mobile phone company about permanently blocking porn and putting restrictions on it for a 16 year old.

change the passwords on your router and your own mobile phone as those will be his next port of call when he realises his fun is being stopped.

where does he get money from? if it’s you i’d suggest you stop. but he will kick off so that’s where you need help. and probably the police will end up having to speak to him.

your house your rules. however he will likely ignore you because he walks all over you. this is what you need social services for. he needs help and so do you.

you tried to spare him being bullied (which to be quite honest may well have been school natural consequences as he sounds like a pain in the arse). yet it’s ok for him to do this bullying to you?
you need professional help.
your way has not worked. he will end up with nothimg and nobody if you dont seek help soon. youve left it late. i understand why. but now is the time to act not procrastinate. ss immediately before he becomes an incel.

Well the poor boy has been failed all round then. School absolutely can and do act whenever something happens to a pupil wearing their uniform. If they’re walking to and from school and get attacked by another pupil, of course school become involved. The school failed him massively here.

Having said that, rather than de-reg and not homeschool him so he presumably hasn’t done GCSEs, you should have sought alternative provision. Colleges tend to accept children who have had a tough time at school so they can at least do their core GCSEs. Now he has no qualifications, isn’t in education or work and he’s spending his time terrorising his mum by the sound of things.

He was also failed by his dad obviously who has decided to essentially wash his hands. You can see and understand why he’s acting out. He has no direction in life right now at all. You need some support urgently.

I think the comments here are brutal questioning the OP’s parenting. Just from this thread, you have both experienced a significant about of trauma and grief which it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any support for whatsoever. I would recommend maybe looking up the adverse childhood experiences research and seeking some professional help for both you and your son.

Pick one focus for him OP - working towards getting a job.
Contact local colleges yourself and see what they can offer. Be open about his behaviour and circumstances. They might be able to signpost you to otber support.
Do you have any family who can support you with this?

Contact all your local further education colleges as soon as possible to see what education he might be able to get. He needs to figure out what he is interested in and attend some courses and participate in a more structured life (get up, dressed, eat, walk or public transport there on time, listen, learn, study etc).
There are kids who have been out of school and join in college and then go on to work. Your focus needs to be on getting him some skills and then employment. Some colleges will have links to help kids like him, with so many challenges and bereavement.
My local FE college allows enrolment onto Level 1 with no GCSEs, for example. They also do plenty of introductory vocational courses. So he needs to have a look and see what interests him and see what practical skills etc he may have. Everyone has some skill and aptitude and areas of strength and interests.

I think you have probably left it too late. You have to decide what you are prepared to do and he has to decide what he is willing to do. There has to be consequences or nothing will change. For example will you get help? Will you acknowledge how much time and effort you can really put in, are you willing to continue to provide a home once he turns 18? Will you call the police if you have to. I suspect you will do none of this because it’s something you will not be willing to do. If you want change, you’re going to have to do something different.

Annnd this is how violent misogynistic monsters are created I’m afraid. You really need to stand up to him and implement proper boundaries. He is on an awful trajectory by the sounds of things. You need to get help and support to deal with him. Now is the time for intervention.

you and your son have both had a very difficult time.

asking for ideas here is a start, and there will be things out there so now is a good time to reach out and look for help

>> contact Family Lives who can advise you
>> look for Further Education Colleges and ask them if there is anything for him. if he could find a 1 or 2 day a week supported course, that would give something to work towards

if he smashes his phone, don't get him a new one. he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions

Why on earth should the army take him @Cailin66 ? They're not a rehabilitation organisation.

With no education his options are limited. The army might take him, he badly needs structure and discipline. .

You owe it to him and yourself not to give up. You really need proper help, are there any youth services near you that could be the first port of call?