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Original poster

I’ve failed raising my ds

40 replies

Lastradaleia · Yesterday 19:56

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

OP posts:
SummerBlueskies · Yesterday 20:01

I’d take the phone off him and tell him he can have it back when he learns some basic manners.
Does he know about your struggles? Does he maybe feel like you weren’t bothered what he did and where he was when he was younger (I’m not saying this is the case at all). Does his dad have any contact at all now?
You haven’t failed in raising him you’ve faced struggles and dealt with a teenage boy on your own.
Do you have any family to support you?

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Yesterday 20:08

It’s just us day to day. He doesn’t have contact with his dad, his dad now lives abroad and is very inconsistent, the last time they spoke was a message at christmas 2 years ago

OP posts:
Pessismistic · Yesterday 20:09

Aww op you have been through it. Sorry to hear about your dd. Are you getting any therapy or medication for yourself. It’s not the way you have dealt with him it will be a mixture of things kids can go off the rails due to the crowd there mixing with not just how they were raised. I’m not sure you can change him right now but try not to let him treat you like shit, op can you ask his dad to talk to him. Op please be kind to yourself. If he breaks his phone again tell him he has to pay for it to be fixed don’t keep paying he’s not learning anything this way. If he has no phone that’s on him.

TonTonMacoute · Yesterday 20:15

Why is this all on you? I bet his father isn't chewing himself up with guilt over this. Bringing up a child is a two person job

CleanSkin · Yesterday 20:15

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, it sounds awful for you both.
I don’t think this is a “you” thing any more, I think all the effort needs to go into helping your DS be the man he can be.
While I’ve never been in your situation, a quick search for Support for Young Men has come up with a list of opportunities for help - obviously this wont be where you live, so please search yourself & see what you can find.
Remember that underneath the angry, disrespectful & destructive boy is your son, full of potential. Just do all you can to help him to find that. Best wishes.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Yesterday 20:45

I just don’t know where to even start with any of it

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · Yesterday 21:14

You sound like you put a lot of blame onto his dad - it ultimately you’re the one who raised him and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very present so he has had to find his own way.

it’s not too late to turn it around but you need to work hard . Pick your battles - messy bedroom at 16- normal . Leave it alone .
Talk to him . Be there for him. Try and have some positive times together .
what’s going on with his education ? He sounds very lost with no direction and no guidance from you .

BigYellowBus · Yesterday 21:57

Is he still out of school/college?

Medicalgrademusic · Yesterday 22:00

I don't like to kick someone when they're down - you've obviously been through a lot - but it doesn't sound like you've really been able to parent him the last 5 years. I don't know how you would begin to turn that around on your own. Could you reach out for help from Social Services?

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Yesterday 22:14

Fidgety31 · Yesterday 21:14

You sound like you put a lot of blame onto his dad - it ultimately you’re the one who raised him and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very present so he has had to find his own way.

it’s not too late to turn it around but you need to work hard . Pick your battles - messy bedroom at 16- normal . Leave it alone .
Talk to him . Be there for him. Try and have some positive times together .
what’s going on with his education ? He sounds very lost with no direction and no guidance from you .

His dad doesn’t talk to him at all which will have no doubt affected him. Atleast i’m here and try and talk to him

OP posts:
5128gap · Yesterday 22:16

You've both had a really tough time of it and you need some support. I'd start by googling Family Lives and calling the helpline.

WhatsItAllForAnyway · Yesterday 22:18

He's been through a lot of difficult things. So have you. I'd start by talking to a GP or a family service to see if you can get some support.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Yesterday 22:20

Medicalgrademusic · Yesterday 22:00

I don't like to kick someone when they're down - you've obviously been through a lot - but it doesn't sound like you've really been able to parent him the last 5 years. I don't know how you would begin to turn that around on your own. Could you reach out for help from Social Services?

I don’t plan on calling social services

OP posts:
crackofdoom · Yesterday 22:22

Fidgety31 · Yesterday 21:14

You sound like you put a lot of blame onto his dad - it ultimately you’re the one who raised him and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very present so he has had to find his own way.

it’s not too late to turn it around but you need to work hard . Pick your battles - messy bedroom at 16- normal . Leave it alone .
Talk to him . Be there for him. Try and have some positive times together .
what’s going on with his education ? He sounds very lost with no direction and no guidance from you .

She was a damn sight more "present" than his bloody father, wasn't she 🙄

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 22:22

Why did you take him out of school in the first place.

He’s has a traumatic upbringing, and needs some real support, what support have to tried to access for him ?

PeasePuddingPottage · Yesterday 22:23

I would contact school and ss ask for help. Counselling for both of you. Any local youth groups? Scouts, boxing clubs? He needs a positive male role model. Tbh he might be traumatised you did say it's been neglectful. You will probably be traumatised as well. Least you hold your hand up.

Medicalgrademusic · Yesterday 22:26

Lastradaleia · Yesterday 22:20

I don’t plan on calling social services

Show quote history

You need to contact someone for help. You've been trying to do this all by yourself when you've clearly not been well enough. Time to see if there's support available.

Nofeckingway · Yesterday 22:30

Probably wasn't a good idea to take him out of school. School could have provided support to you both as well as education.You weren't able to home school him as it seems you were not in a good mental state yourself . This will have had a huge effect on him . Can you see if there are any services in your area to help him get back to education. He could at least get some qualification possibly and some guidance . It must be very confusing for him to be around you when you were unwell and he was left to fend for himself now you are trying to put some boundaries in place . Both of you need help. You need to win back some respect but it will take time .

StockingsByTheFire · Yesterday 22:31

I think anyone can see why you've struggled. I'm so sorry for the passing of your DD.

Very gently, your DS has been a complete passenger in a situation that none has been his fault, but he has suffered all of the consequences. He has been let down by everyone around him, whatever justified reasons there may have been.

I think this is already at the stage of professional help. For both of you. But the focus needs to be him, because it doesn't seem it ever has been, and now he is the product of that.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Yesterday 22:32

He’s nearly 17, there’s no support and he wouldn’t be interested anyway

I took him out of school due to bullying and it was causing him increased anxiety and he didn’t want to go, the school didn’t do anything even when another child pulled him by his tie , the last straw was when he got beat up and it was planned as the boy had got an audience, ds didn’t know and school said they couldn’t do anything as it wasn’t on school grounds even though it had been filmed and after that he wouldn’t go to school

OP posts:
WhatsItAllForAnyway · Yesterday 22:36

Lastradaleia · Yesterday 22:32

He’s nearly 17, there’s no support and he wouldn’t be interested anyway

I took him out of school due to bullying and it was causing him increased anxiety and he didn’t want to go, the school didn’t do anything even when another child pulled him by his tie , the last straw was when he got beat up and it was planned as the boy had got an audience, ds didn’t know and school said they couldn’t do anything as it wasn’t on school grounds even though it had been filmed and after that he wouldn’t go to school

That's a significant trauma in itself. Can you sit him down and tell him you know he's had a lot of hard things to deal with, you think it might help if he had someone to talk to about it? Did he have any counselling after his sister died? If not counselling, a youth mentor? He's carried a lot. So have you. If he won't get counselling, will you?

WashinIsNeverDone · Yesterday 22:45

With you having agoraphobia did this stop you from taking ds out to clubs or social things?
Did he have unlimited access to online?
Unfortunately when someone is lonely and finds people to talk to online it can make them take on whatever beliefs.

Hohofortherobbers · Yesterday 22:49

So he's had no education at all since age 11?
Its a bit late to try and turn this around. What options does he have for work, training or college now? If you couldn't home educate him why didn't you find a new school?

Namemechangey · Yesterday 22:49

This sounds like a lot that you have had to deal with.
are you able to go out now or still have agrophobia?
does he go to school or college now?
are you able to move?
I had a friend in my teens, all the boys were getting into drugs and all sorts, one day his mum just upped and took him to live somewhere else, think it was north wales, it was somewhere with a lot of open space I remember. Take took him to get him away from all the shit that was going on, they rebuilt a life and I know he is now quite high up in the military. Don’t can be done, but it might take moving away and starting again. Are you able to do that?

Merrybandofpirates · Yesterday 23:27

So no education? And very little supervision and parenting from you at all really? I hate to say it but I think it’s too late, you’ve ruined him and he isn’t going to listen to a thing you say. Only hope you have is calling social services and seeing if someone else can help him.