I’ve failed raising my ds

And that's easy to say when you haven't had to deal with multiple traumas including the loss of a child.
Goodness can people not make a point with a basic level of compassion instead of delighting in kicking peole when they are down?

If it's pointless bleating on about father not being there is it not pointless bleating on about mothers past errors?
Both need to be addressed with the child so he can move forward. If you'd took the time to read and process my post instead of just looking for a way to defend your point you may have picked up on that.
Why are you so keen to absolve the father of any blame? Are you a man? A single mother who doesn't think your child needs a father?

It’s never too late. There’s always a way.

OP, you haven’t failed. You’ve done the best you could in the face of significant trauma, right from the start of his little life. I’m so sorry to hear how much trauma you and your DS have been through. The starting point for you both is to give yourselves grace and recognise that. The best place to start is therapy. Your DS may not want to go right now, but it’d really help you. Ask your GP.

Next, I’d say get yourself physically and mentally strong. You have to be as strong as possible to be an absolute rock for him. What teens who’ve had children trauma need is a strong, confident parent/guardian. They may push against boundaries but they want and need them. No boundaries makes them feel unsafe. I recommend regular swimming (if you can face going out) and strength training (at home if you can’t afford or face a gym). Walking every day would really help. You are his role model for standing firm, standing tall and never giving up.

Do you have any support from family or good friends? GPs, aunties and uncles etc. If so, reach out and ask them to be as involved as possible. It takes a village to raise a child. And support a young man.

What’s he most interested in? He really needs to be doing something productive, with people to mentor him. An apprenticeship, FE college, a PT at the gym, local boxing gym (I hate boxing but the discipline and camaraderie could really give him focus and help him feel safe, especially after having been beaten up previously).

FE college could really help. It’s not like school. Best to make appointments and go to speak to them, discreetly tell them what he’s been through and try to encourage him to go to the one that offers most support. Same with local firms for apprenticeships. There may be an employer willing to take him under their wing. The pride and routine he could get from a trainee job could be transformational.

Then try to build a positive relationship via little routines. Simple things, like certain meals on certain evenings that you cook together. Movie night on a Thursday. First Sunday of the month, a favourite walk and a pub lunch, maybe with friends. Tickets to a gig or comedy show once or twice a year. Stick to these shared routines, so they become familiar and comforting. A safe space for you both.

And try to have a laugh as much as possible. Laughter really is the best medicine. For teens, it’s like a pressure release valve. Life can be absolutely shit but there’s a power to laughing at what it throws up. Music, likewise, always helps with getting you through.

Good luck 💐

I'm so sorry about your daughter OP.. I can't imagine your pain. People are correct that the father carries a lot of the blame here BUT he is absent and not here and you need to step up for your son.
Forget people saying CAMHS their waiting list is huge and he will turn 18 before they see him and they won't deal with adults.
I'm not sure what a GP could do? Your son has minimal schooling and is watching porn, it's not a medical thing. He is bored by the sounds of things, no college, no job, no hobby. He will be well aware he has no qualifications, may only be reading at a primary school level and this comes out as aggressive behaviours to push people away.
So first things first, contact your local college and explain - see what they have available for people with no gcses. Try to get your son engaged. He may be very practical.
I'd ignore the messy bedroom for now. That can be fixed later.
Get limits on your Internet and all porn blocked. Do not replace broken phones. You may need help if he becomes violent about this so maybe have a chat first. I'm not sure where the money is coming from for drinking and smoking but this needs to stop too.
It won't improve overnight so hang in there x

he is 17 so social services are unlikely to get involved though they may signpost to services.
OP you have had a truly awful time yourself and would benefit from counselling to process the loss of your child and your other traumas. I cant imagine what you have been through!
At this point I think.working on getting stronger yourself is all you can do and may have a knockon effect with your son in the long term.
All you can do is try to help him find a way through this because he has endured so much trauma in his short life and he needs professional counselling too. look at it as a long term thing. It may be more of the same in the short term but hopefully with support and maturity things will turn around .

What are you going to do, op? So far, you have got as far as the thing you won't do and the things he won't do. Which is pretty much how you arrived in this place to begin with, cutting out school for him and cutting out life for you and accepting what remains. His Dad gave up and you gave up and your son has inexpertly cobbled together a life that is filled with pain and, of course it looks like a disaster.

Are you actually looking for a plan to help him or are you waiting for some poster to come along and just absolve you from guilt and the trouble of trying?

Exactly - his father was absent … so his mother needed to step up and she didn’t . She was also emotionally / psychologically absent .
She may have been present in physical terms but that is not enough .
Pointless saying the dad should’ve been there cuz the reality is he wasn’t - mum knew this and that’s why her input was even more crucial . Single parents have to do double fhe work - it’s not how it should be but that’s the reality . No point bleating on about ideals when you have to cope with reality .

Its very unfortunate that you deregistered him in Year 7 apparently without a plan in place to do anything. You have been through a huge amount and I understand you weren’t able to focus on this given the grief and trauma of losing a child. And so sorry for your loss.

But at some level the penny must have dropped that just taking him out of school and hoping for the best wasn’t enough and that it was likely to be damaging without an alternative? It terrifies me that parents now apparently think deregistering a child is an easy fix and have not the faintest idea that they still need to educate their children after they have left school. The home education community has its strengths but it also sells parents a lot of highly unrealistic nonsense about deregistering as a quick fix.

Anyway given where you are you do have options. As others have said there are institutions designed for children who don’t have GCSEs. The question is whether he will be in the right frame of mind to do them and with the right degree of self discipline.

Does he want to do GCSEs?

He’s a young adult with no education worth speaking about if he has not been in school and homeschooling hasn’t worked. Can he read and write? Could he do lower level English and maths GCSE? Illiteracy alone hampers his chances in life and makes crime much more likely.

I would insist on getting him into a 6th form college to do basic GCSE maths and English, alongside something that interests him like music or a skill. Accessing the workforce is going to be tricky without basic education. From there he could live at a trade or get a job.

He can’t be happy like this. He needs a focus and structure.

When is he 17?

At 16 he has a legal requirement to be in education (you do up to 18 but they aren’t as bothered).

It may be that you can get more help if you are really proactive, before he turns 17.

Is he year 11 or year 12?
How many GCSEs has he got/will he take?

Agreed. You need to help him by getting him to see someone at college. He needs to get some qualifications that will lead to a job and a life of his own. If he is not very academic he may be suited to a hands on course like motor vehicle/painting & decorating etc.

When I worked in education I remember a boy dropping out of school who achieved nothing at home. He eventually enrolled at college and became a successful mechanic. Please help your son otherwise he’s going to be trapped in the house with you forever. No wonder he is drinking and smoking, he is bored and has no friends, family apart from you and no life at all. Help him while he is still young enough to change his life. College usually provides a counsellor on campus, he should take advantage of that while he is there.

Honestly social services are not going to be able to do a thing at this stage

There is more than one school or he could've been enrolled in home ed groups etc, not just pulled out and left to his own devices

I would get social services involved. Call family front door. They can also sign post you to charities that could help. It’s not too late. Don’t give up on him. Sending love.

Nobody is going to be able to reparent him at this stage and social services probably won't have any kind of solution unless the young man is willing to engage with something.

She's been more present than his absent father. Of course his father is a very large factor in this. Children need a father, especially boys. Children need to feel loved by both parents, not completely abandoned by one. On top of that the father hurt the mother and had both OP and their child ostracised by their community and they had to leave. The majority of the blame does lay with the waste of space father. The boy and OP need therapy to deal with what the waste of space put them both through.
I say this as someone who had an abusive father and an emotionally unavailable mother. It was only when I understood what led to my mum being emotionally unavailable that I was able to heal.

His dad deserved a lot fo the blame, for that very reason - not raising his own child.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dd op 💐

Op many sixteen years old boys are awful who have had input from two parents and who have been in ft school, and who have not suffered such a significant bereavement.

Your ds has had significant disadvantages in his background but it doesn’t help him or you if you beat yourself up about this. The point is, what is going to happen from now on.

I agree with pp that it would be good if you are in a position to move and make a fresh start, perhaps near other relatives, but if that’s not possible financially, then could you reach out to the army cadets in your area if you think your ds would be interested?

If you put your postcode in to this form, it will show the nearest detachment to you:

https://armycadets.com/

There is also some excellent advice for parents on this site eg what to do about challenging behaviour.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

It also sounds like he might be getting aggressive towards you so you could consult
PEGS UK:

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Your ds is not going to be fully mature for about ten years yet op so I think one of the most important things is for you to work on your own mental health and assertiveness so you can be there for your ds for the long haul.

It’s great you are working on your agoraphobia and anxiety as one of the most important things parents can do for dc is to be good role models and if he sees you overcoming struggles, you will have more credibility and authority with your son when you appeal to him to work on his own future,

A messy bedroom is the least of your worries, your DS needs boundaries and structure:

**getting him occupied in some sort of education and some form of trainee work or hybrid of the two

**tackling the racism; I’d be hauling my son over to the neighbour’s house and getting him to apologise for his language and carry out some outdoor tasks for them, but it doesn’t sound like your ds would be compliant with that

**tackling the porn by changing the wi fi password or limiting access to it, or limiting acccess to a phone itself.

Do you have any good male influences in your extended family op, or male friends who could step in and give your ds some direction? If he is out of the house at all hours and you don’t know where he is or what he is doing, it sounds like he needs much stronger boundaries than you can provide alone.

Op, you sound really concerned for your ds and like you are at the end of your rope. I think one of the most important things you could do for him now is admit that you can’t tackle this by yourself and reach out for support to GP, family services, SS, or any of the organisations listed above.

Yes she was but that doesn't mean she parented him the way he needed. She withdrew him from school aged 11 and then seemingly neglected him severely from that point on.

In situations like this I always wonder if the parent sits the kid down and apologises profusely without excuses, explains that they really messed up and acknowledge it’s the child who suffers all the consequences.

Im sorry to hear about your daughter, I will admit I probably wouldn’t handle something like that very well either, but you really can’t just leave the living children out on the line because of it.

Wishing your son well and hope that he has a fantastic adulthood to make up for his rubbish childhood.

All the best OP. X

You don’t just de-register a child because of bullying.

You at least try another school, even if it’s forest school or something.

I do not believe OP has been able to efficiently homeschool him if she had so many mental health issues.

He’s basically had no education, mo routine, no decent socialisation or positive role models for the past 5 years and I think it’s going to be incredibly difficult for him to now go back into education or get a job.

And what did the police do when you reported the crime?

Did you not try and find another school for him?

You need to call social services and get them to help before it is too late. If you're not mentally we'll enough to deal with him then you need to seek support. You need someone to talk to.

No point worrying about the school thing now- it’s done. But there’s lots of courses at colleges and training providers for all levels so- they can either resit English and math gcse alongside a level 1 course or do functional skills- don’t worry about the school thing- it’s not for everyone.

Omg poor kid 💔

You say he only went for 1 term at secondary school - so what has he been doing for the past 5 years?
You say you homeschooled him - so was this a 9-3 timetable every day with lots of hobbies and social activities?
What sports does he play?

I’m struggling to believe you have been efficiently homeschooling him with all of your issues.

If he’s 17 now, is he enrolled in college or on an apprenticeship?

Does he have any real life friends?
You say you have an older stepson are you close to him to use him as a good role model?

Of course he’s going to be using racist language and watching violent porn when it sounds like he spends all day online and not being part of the real world.
This is only going to get worse if things don’t change.