I’ve failed raising my ds

@ThisEdgyRobin

I completely agree.

I’m actually really frustrated that this was allowed and feel he was also failed by the entire system.

Why was an 11yo boy who had been physically attacked, allowed to stay at home for years with a mentally ill parent and no father and literally no one thought to check up on him.

How often is this happening under the guise of ‘homeschooling’

No child should go to a school where they are physically beaten and humiliated on a daily basis.

It is traumatic and we wouldn’t say this to a woman who was being beaten up at home, so we shouldn’t say it about a child.

Abuse is actually much more damaging to children than it is adults who have the ability to leave.

However, I completely agree about the homeschooling.
I am anti-homeschooling for this very reason.

I am sure that some people homeschool well but IME everyone that homeschools does it for their own benefit, rather than the child’s.

This boy sounds extremely disobedient and I can’t imagine how OP was able to sit him down and do 5+ hours of education every day.
And I’m not sure how easy it was to get him out every day when you have agoraphobia.

He should have been forced to try different schools at least.
He is now going to have trauma around other people and education, meaning going to college or getting a job is going to incredibly challenging and it’s not just him being defiant but because he’s not been given the chance to overcome and build his resilience.

He’s too old to get Cahms referred, social services will do nothing, his mother is incapable of dealing with him, given all she’s outlined.

He has primary education, we don’t even know if he can read. I see the army as an opportunity. I think you can sign up at 17, they’ll get him fit, he’d be subject to a strict regime, be socialised, he might even like it. He needs a complete change of scene. Because it’s clear from the OP she’s not able to do anything. He’s heading down Criminal Row or Benefits Street or Drug Avenue very quickly without drastic intervention.

You feel like you have failed your son because you have. By not now reaching out to support services, you are being negligent. Your son has had minimal parenting and no education. I work with offenders and many grew up like your son. It isn’t too late to make changes but you aren’t equipped to do this on your own. Contact social services and see if there’s a family hub where you are. Done have drop in sessions for NEETs. The longer you leave this, the more entrenched his behaviour will become. This is exactly why there needs to be more oversight for children that don’t attend school.

You mention the stepson but write he is the youngest with a big age gap, does he have other siblings?

To be honest the stepbrother could be a Father figure, he may listen to him, he also may not but consider this.

It’s a lot to unpick as he has had multiple traumas and has not been educated. You are a family that did and does still need social services, you should refer yourself.

This is one of those posts which makes you just feel so sad for everyone involved, but also really bloody sad that humanity and society can get to a point where the right support hasn't found you and your son in all these years. Even just the idea that neighbours wouldn't be able to pick up on your struggles and refer you on to someone, let alone the idea that you were allowed to just deregister him and then...nothing. That boy has been neglected, and deserves every sympathy that any child who has been neglected would get.

People are understandably being very gentle on you OP. You've had a tough time. But your son has reaped the consequences now, and it sounds like it's a bit beyond just trying to enrol him in college or anything like that. You need proper support and, actually, regardless of whether or not you want social services involved, you have a duty to both your son and the society you live in to actually try and do something about this now. I'm surprised, given you said you had therapy, that you weren't signposted towards any further support at all.

If you absolutely won't call social services, then at the very least speak to your GP and see what support is available in your area that you can be signposted to or referred to.

I’m afraid I agree with this. I have huge sympathy for the OP who has been through unimaginable pain and trauma and I don’t blame her for this. But I think it’s unconscionable that its possible for children to be taken out of school (for whatever reason) and to simply drop off the radar of social and educational authorities.

The fact that this child dropped out age 11 and has been ignored and overlooked for five years is absolutely scandalous. Both OP and her son have been failed here.

We have a system that fails to distinguish between home educators who are providing a good education and deeply damaged or worse still actively neglectful people who are incapable of meeting a child’s needs.

We are storing up huge social problems with this.

It shouldn’t be. The local authority should be making annual enquiries at least and he won’t have flown under the radar as the school would have had to have told them he had been deregistered. I can only assume that the OP hasn’t been honest with them which is again awful as they could have got him back into education.
This is not home education, it’s neglect.

How is it even possible to remove a child from school and not educate them at all for 5 years. The mind boggles.

I’d prefer that to having no education.

Given all OP has said about the dad I think we can all agree that it is far better for her son that his father has been nowhere near him!

Many have advised you on education @Lastradaleia am rather concerned that he watches violent porn which is one of th factors in violence against women and femicide. Not saying your son will commit any of these but its a supportive factor and also a key contributor to general demotivation. I looked up charities tht help with that and there quite a few. Please please contact a few of them. Here is one https://nakedtruthproject.com/about/
For hus sake, for your sake, and for the sake of the women he will cross oaths with
I also suggest you look into any therapies available to you. Even the poor talkingtherapies from nhs. They could offer someone to talk to but hopefully you can access both individual and family therapy. Which county or even town/borough are you in so we can help you identify the best options for support services

It sounds harsh but yes. She has no ability to teach him. At least a school has some resources. And how has yanking him away from school helped him? It hasn’t. It has actively harmed him. He has no education, no discipline, no hope in life.

This is a thread that perfectly illustrates why home education with an unqualified parent should be banned.

It'd be surprising if he did have career ideas given that he's had no education 11-17 and it doesn't seem like the adults around him have worked. It's hard to think what he can have been doing all day for all those years and no surprise he's the way he is. He could be worse, and might get there yet.

I wouldn't dismiss social services - you've dismissed a lot over the years and that's all got you to this point which may be the last point where you can have any impact before he's too old and getting into god knows what trouble.

There are charities for youth who need good male role models - Man and Boy is one, Lads need Dads is another though I think your DS has outgrown that one. Have a proper look for what's around you and any other schemes for young men who've been out of education. They do exist. He needs a lot of work to get him anywhere near ready to embrace playing a part in society, but you need to do something to make up for doing so little. Sure his dad did nothing, but that's no help to your DS or to any kids he might go on to have. Get help and don't give up. It's easier to say you've failed than to keep on trying even harder.

I think at this stage you need to lean into what you know he is interested in. Find out what he likes doing (ie music/gaming/sports). It will be hard, given the gaps in his education, to get onto a course teaching these subjects (he would almost certainly need some GCSEs. But if he has something to aspire to it could galvanise him into realising he needs to get his act together. So its self driven. Rather than you chivvying him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

He must now realise his lack of education is a problem and he must feel quite insecure about it. If you can find an approach that plays to what he’s interested in you are likely to have more success than telling him he has to go to college.

He needs a goal, something to focus on for his future, if he hasn’t had any education then he probably feels like he is stupid and behind.
Ask him what he wants to do with his life, You need to get him to engage here.

It is terrible that he has had no education from 11. I appreciate it was a difficult time in your life but it is the law and I can only assume you lied to the local authority when they made enquiries about the home education you were neglecting to provide. There is a lot of support and guidance in the home ed community and if this had been sought at 11/12 or if you had tried another school and pushed through his protests then you likely wouldn’t have these problems now. It does make me so angry when people neglect their education and call it home ed, call it what it is which is educational neglect.

OP you’re going to get some hard to hear responses but please keep posting as you obviously want to help your son and literally every day counts as the older he gets, the harder things are going to be.

As a PP said, has he ever expressed any interest in a career?

Does he have any friends?
How often does he go out?
Does he have any form of social anxiety etc?

The father is definitely more to blame than the mother.

Without OP he wouldn’t have a roof over his head or any sort of upbringing unless he went into care.

The father is 50% to blame.

However, that doesn’t exonerate OP on her part because she has obviously made mistakes which alongside the father not being involved, has had massive impacts on her child.

The main mistake is not forcing him to go to another school at an age where he was easier to manage.
I’m not really sure what she thought was going to happen by letting him stay home but I’m guessing she had so much going on that she was just surviving the days, rather than looking ahead to the future.

I know that you're not keen to contact Social Services, but if someone had made a referral years ago, you might not be in this position now. I don't know what youth services are still bring funded in your area, but I would try visiting your local civic centre, youth info centre or main library to get information. The local authority should be able to provide some support and signposting to services that can help you both, and your DS in particular.

Access to education is a human right. It's not too late to try to make a difference and change his prospects. You need to overcome the feeling you have that social services and local authority help is a bad thing.

@Lastradaleia has he expressed any interest in any kind of job or career? What is he interested in? Do you have any sense of what he’s good at doing?

And that's easy to say when you haven't had to deal with multiple traumas including the loss of a child.
Goodness can people not make a point with a basic level of compassion instead of delighting in kicking peole when they are down?