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Original poster

I’ve failed raising my ds

240 replies

Lastradaleia · Yesterday 19:56

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

OP posts:
NimbleTaupeTiger · Today 10:50

OP, troublesome youngsters are absolutely horrendous, you've been through so much and it sounds like your DS father is a dead loss so you do have my utmost sympathy.

I know you don't want to call social services and I understand that but is a lifetime of visiting various jails up and down the country really preferable? That is exactly where this is going and if you don't take positive action now then you really will have failed him.

Social services are there to help families in crisis, they don't want to step in when your son is already in juvenile detention, put him in the youth offenders section, have a juvenile police record, they want to head that off at the pass before it happens and the best thing you can do for your son is call them and get the professional help you both need.

Please think about the longer term and do both of you a huge favour. Social services will get involved up to 18 years of age and may extend their support to 21 or 25 if deemed necessary.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Today 10:47

WhatsItAllForAnyway · Today 10:45

Go and talk to your GP. He might be able to refer to youth mental health crisis team.

Show quote history

I already have

OP posts:
Imdunfer · Today 10:46

Lastradaleia · Today 10:40

Because social services wouldn’t be any use now he’s almost 17. I honestly wish I hadn’t posted now.

But they can point you to who would.

WhatsItAllForAnyway · Today 10:45

Lastradaleia · Today 10:40

Because social services wouldn’t be any use now he’s almost 17. I honestly wish I hadn’t posted now.

Go and talk to your GP. He might be able to refer to youth mental health crisis team.

MintTwirl · Today 10:43

Lastradaleia · Today 10:40

Because social services wouldn’t be any use now he’s almost 17. I honestly wish I hadn’t posted now.

How could you know this when you refuse to contact them and ask for help?

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Today 10:40

Because social services wouldn’t be any use now he’s almost 17. I honestly wish I hadn’t posted now.

OP posts:
ThisCraftyAquaHedgehog · Today 10:39

Why on earth would you post on a site such as this asking for help, but flatly refuse to contact the people who can help you, ie social services?

The way things appear to be going the people who are going to help and educate your son will be the police and prison service.

Imdunfer · Today 10:39

Lastradaleia · Today 10:36

I’m not calling social services.

Why?

Why come on here asking for help and reject the most sensible piece of advice you are being given?

WhatsItAllForAnyway · Today 10:37

Lastradaleia · Today 10:36

I’m not calling social services.

You need to call someone. Your son is in crisis. He needs help.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Today 10:36

I’m not calling social services.

OP posts:
ThisFridayNight · Today 10:34

You need adcive, guidance and support from parental services. Social work may offer a family support worker and be able to point you in the direction of youth projects/mentoring. It's not to late yet but it will be if you do nothing. Start researching services that can help your situation or phone the likes of parent line who can point you in the right direction. You cant change the past but you can change the future.

Original poster
Lastradaleia · Today 10:32

I didn't lie to anyone at all. He would do some work which they only checked on 2 or 3 times then stopped. Up until he was 13 he was quiet and mostly well behaved but then he wasn’t. He doesn’t smash his phone anymore but he would in the past and he had an attitude .

The other nearby schools also weren’t the best

He has no hobbies, he used to like football but not in a playing for a team way, just watching or a just kick about but that was mostly with his dad so i don’t know if that was a genuine interest for him. He used to like musical theatre and drama but after he was bullied he stopped it.

He does have friends but i don’t know who they all are, he says he plays football with some lads nearby who are his age. I know he uses things like discord and talks to god knows who but it’s not as simple as just taking his phone. He doesn’t brush his teeth but he always leaves the bathroom in a mess after a shower etc and regularly swears at me and uses that as a reason for not brushing his teeth (that I have a go at him)

He goes out but also spends time gaming etc. And his sleep schedule is all over the place.

I don’t plan on calling social services, they wouldn’t be able to help anyway as he’s nearly 17

OP posts:
MintTwirl · Today 10:32

Presumably you are on benefits OP? Now he is post 16 he needs to be doing at least 12 hours of supported study towards something be it GCSEs or whatever for you to continue receiving benefits for him. Or are you not receiving money for him now?

dontcookwontcook · Today 10:30

How has he been allowed to do nothing education wise since 11? Did nobody even check on him/you?

Araminta1004 · Today 10:28

I think you have to explain the system calmly to him. Even to go on benefits he will need to look for work and do courses. He will need some level 1s at least and may as well start some part time. Start really low with your expectations and praise him for whatever small thing he does do.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · Today 10:27

Army is a good suggestion. Stop buying him phones, he needs an incentive to earn his own money and live independently.

BlueFahrenheit · Today 10:26

I'm sorry, OP, but your son sounds disgusting.

He needs an appointment with a psychiatrist immediately.

OneHazelBird · Today 10:23

Cailin66 · Today 10:03

No idea why EdgyRobins post in reply to mine was deleted. I was just replying to her.

The army take boys from age 16, no qualifications needed. This is the only solution this lad has as nobody in his life and nobody in social services are going to do a thing for him. If his mother could summon all her energy on getting him to sign up.

https://jobs.army.mod.uk/roles/infantry/infantry-soldier/

Sell it to him as an exciting career, like video gaming, but with real guns, a big salary, no books to study …

I’m personally very anti war, but the army can make men of boys like this lad.

Show quote history

I don’t know why they were deleted either as from what I saw they didn’t break any of the MNs rules so I’m not sure.

I don’t know much about the army but it’s either that or a very depressed life, probably full of crime and so I think encouraging him to join the forces is actually a very good idea.

However, it sounds like he’s not spent a day away from home for at least 5 years and not been around people, so that’s going to be the biggest challenge.

I actually think all young people should be encouraged to either stay in education/work or go into the forces.
We have a massive number of young people who don’t attend education and therefore will likely struggle to work as they get older and instead of being allowed to do nothing, they should be made to do either/or.

If I was OP I’d be telling him he has to go to college, do an apprenticeship or join the forces.
If he refuses to go to open days then I’d be asking people if they’d be willing to come to the house and talk to him.

AlleycatMarie · Today 10:20

Hi @Lastradaleia I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. Please contact the early help team at your local
authority, tell them what you have said here and ask them what support they can give. Ask them about NVR programmes or google it - non violent resistance- programmes to take back parental control by rebuilding your relationship.

Naunet · Today 10:17

Fidgety31 · Yesterday 21:14

You sound like you put a lot of blame onto his dad - it ultimately you’re the one who raised him and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very present so he has had to find his own way.

it’s not too late to turn it around but you need to work hard . Pick your battles - messy bedroom at 16- normal . Leave it alone .
Talk to him . Be there for him. Try and have some positive times together .
what’s going on with his education ? He sounds very lost with no direction and no guidance from you .

WTF?! So men who walk away and abandon their kids, don't carry any responsibility? A lot of blame SHOULD be put on his dad, of course the kid will be impacted by his dad having no love or interest in him.

Imdunfer · Today 10:12

Cailin66 · Today 10:03

No idea why EdgyRobins post in reply to mine was deleted. I was just replying to her.

The army take boys from age 16, no qualifications needed. This is the only solution this lad has as nobody in his life and nobody in social services are going to do a thing for him. If his mother could summon all her energy on getting him to sign up.

https://jobs.army.mod.uk/roles/infantry/infantry-soldier/

Sell it to him as an exciting career, like video gaming, but with real guns, a big salary, no books to study …

I’m personally very anti war, but the army can make men of boys like this lad.

Show quote history

Or if he's Oppositionally Defiant, tell him on no account must he join the army

SuddenDaredJelly · Today 10:10

So he has been out of school since age 11 & you've not had local home education team on at you? Where i live if you arent actually evidencing some form of education (even alternative/vocational but with maths & english) you'll get a notice to send the child back to school.

Has he had any bereavement support for the loss of his sister? It sounds like he really has had a huge amount of trauma.

I really think you need outside help. Social services. The army isnt a bad suggestion, hr wont be able to physically dominate their to refuse to cooperate, and the structure could be the making of him.

Imdunfer · Today 10:08

Cailin66 · Today 09:47

He’s too old to get Cahms referred, social services will do nothing, his mother is incapable of dealing with him, given all she’s outlined.

He has primary education, we don’t even know if he can read. I see the army as an opportunity. I think you can sign up at 17, they’ll get him fit, he’d be subject to a strict regime, be socialised, he might even like it. He needs a complete change of scene. Because it’s clear from the OP she’s not able to do anything. He’s heading down Criminal Row or Benefits Street or Drug Avenue very quickly without drastic intervention.

Edited
Show quote history

He can join at 16 and if he would, and if they would take him, it would be the making of him. @iwishtoo, they used to take boys like him because they were outwardly tough, prepared to shoot people when told to and risk being killed themselves, and they could make great soldiers out of them. I don't know if they still do.

He's destined to die of a drugs overdose or prison as a drug dealer if something drastic doesn't happen soon, yet his mother won't talk to Social Services 🫩

Poor boy, failed by absolutely every adult and institution around him.

Cailin66 · Today 10:03

OneHazelBird · Today 09:57

@ThisEdgyRobin

I completely agree.

I’m actually really frustrated that this was allowed and feel he was also failed by the entire system.

Why was an 11yo boy who had been physically attacked, allowed to stay at home for years with a mentally ill parent and no father and literally no one thought to check up on him.

How often is this happening under the guise of ‘homeschooling’

No idea why EdgyRobins post in reply to mine was deleted. I was just replying to her.

The army take boys from age 16, no qualifications needed. This is the only solution this lad has as nobody in his life and nobody in social services are going to do a thing for him. If his mother could summon all her energy on getting him to sign up.

https://jobs.army.mod.uk/roles/infantry/infantry-soldier/

Sell it to him as an exciting career, like video gaming, but with real guns, a big salary, no books to study …

I’m personally very anti war, but the army can make men of boys like this lad.

OneHazelBird · Today 10:01

OP can you give us an example of a typical week for him?

What does he do every day - does he go out with friends all day or typically stay in?
Does he do sports or hobbies etc?

Obviously this will help us give advice.

Is he currently year 11 or year 12?
What GCSEs does he have?

Remember, when he hits 18 if he’s not in education you will not receive any UC or CB for him.
If he’s refusing to work then you’ll need to support him on very little benefit money.