I’ve failed raising my ds

Right, you’re not going to involve outside help. So what are you going to do?

I haven't seen many people giving the OP a hard time, other than to be upfront and honest about the situation she's in. When OP asks for advice, then flat out refuses to follow said advice, it begs the question of what they are seeking from a post like this. Support in real life would be much better and, although it can be hard to know where to turn, OP has had counselling so is capable of seeking support where necessary.

And there is the added complication which is of course the OP's son. OP has struggled, but it is her son that will potentially now spend his life paying the price of those struggles. He is at a borderline age now, and I wonder if that's why so many posts are more sympathetic to the OP than her son. I wonder if she was writing about a much younger child, 10 or 11 say, whether to responses would be much more matter of fact in terms of telling her it is her responsibility to make sure he doesn't slip through the cracks.

Having more or less slipped through the cracks now, are we really suggesting tentatively that the OP could perhaps do some research on organisations that may be able to help? Or should we just be honest and tell OP that it is her responsibility, and has always been her responsibility, to seek whatever support this young person needed, however many avenues she has to go down to do so.

And why don't you get child benefit for him? You need that for your pension, and for his care. Honestly I sympathise with your loss and MH troubles, but this boy barely exists as far as the world is concerned, it's no wonder he's so fucked up.

He's 16. Social services duty of care ends at 18. Giving up now and saying "he's nearly 17 and they won't do anything" is exactly what's got you in this situation - him dropping out of secondary and doing effectively nothing for 6 years. If he'd been in the system, if he'd even been in care, he'd have had some interventions and support, but because you've taken him out of the system, he's had nothing.

And now you're going to keep saying they won't do anything. They won't if you don't ask, if you don't push, if you don't fight to get him the help he so clearly needs and has been deprived off for all of his formative years. No wonder he's seeking it from dodgy places online because at least they engage with him and give him some outlet for his rage and despair. I know you've had it hard too, but this is a crucial time for your son and if it's 'months' till he's 17 then it's well over a year till he's 18 so don't waste it by lamenting how bad things are and how nobody will do anything. People have given you leads here. Go back to the GP, go to SS, go to Young Minds, all of that, arm yourself with information and fight like hell to get him the help and support he needs before he end up in prison.

You keep saying all the things he did and the way he behaved… but you did nothing. You pulled him out of school and did nothing, no
parenting, no education, no correcting behaviour. Parenting is hard work and constant - you don’t get a break. You had a kid who desperately need a strong guiding hand but you sat there and went “ah, he doesn’t like that so I’ll not do anything about it.” He was a child. You were his parent. What were you doing?

And now you’re point blank refusing to
engage with outside services to help
you because you clearly aren’t capable of doing anything about him. Poor kid. He is going to have a minimum wage life if he is lucky, but far more likely to end up homeless with sever mental health issues because he has been neglected for at least a decade.

Please give Social Services a try OP. You have nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain. It might be uncomfortable to ask them for help but remember you are doing it for your son's sake.

@Lastradaleia What did you call the police about? I’m not clear on this.

You asked for help, it’s been suggested and you’re rejecting all of it- what did you want from this thread op?

your son has been massively failed, it’s now or never.

His behaviour is filled by the accumulation of anger and frustration over the years.

It can get better but it is going to take a long time to undo everything. It will take a lot of mental and psychological efforts.

You need to start being completely honest with him. At the beginning, he will be awful and reject all your honesty. The anger will be even more present, but gradually he might start opening up about his feelings. It's at this point you might be able to discuss the past and talk about the future.

Are you prepared and able to do it now? It will be hard, especially at the beginning, but it's the only way.

What is the reason you don’t want your call SS?

Because you think they won’t help or that you’ll/he’ll get into trouble?

SS aren’t the scary people that they used to be. Their job is to help.
I am not SS but I sometimes have to work alongside them and just last week they found a young person I work with a lovely flat, paid for the appliances etc inside and gave them a grant to help them with bills.

After 18 then they probably won’t help as much but that’s why it’s important that you’re really proactive (and it’s going to take some time to convince him).

If you don’t want to contact SS right now then try the other charities mentioned first.

I assume you’re on benefits - have you spoken to him about how these work?

If he doesn’t have a disability then he’ll be expected to look for work and they’ll sometimes put him on doing unpaid work or stop his benefits.
Its also a very crappy life for such a young person.

What is stopping him from going college or getting a job?
Is it social anxiety or is it that he can currently do what he wants but when he’s working he’s got to get up early etc.

Gently, leaving this thread is not going to help either of you.
You’ve buried your head in the sand for the past few years and now you’ve got a few months to try and do whatever you can to set him on the right path (and make life better for yourself too).

What is it that you want from him/this thread?

What do you think of the army suggestion? Do you think you could persuade him?

OP is help seeking anyway. That's not failing. We all have things we'd do differently with hindsight.

OP, you say you’ve asked the GP for help, have you been honest with the GP that he has been completely without education since he was 11? I suspect you haven’t because the GP would have made a safeguarding referral.

When your 11 year old DS was beaten up, did you report to the police?

At the end of the day, your DS need outside support. You are unable to give him what he needs and he has no idea what he needs so he can’t get the support himself. He is completely lost because he has been neglected during these crucial years.

If you want to do the best for him, you need to start contacting every agency you can think of and start being honest with them.

I am really sorry that people are giving you a hard time op. It’s the last thing you need.

You have been very open and even the thread title mentions being a parenting failure, and yet people still feel the need to put the boot in.

If you don’t think SS are a good shout in this situation I hope you will get in touch with PEGS UK and Young Minds or some of the other resources mentioned. 💐

Also lots of boys do well with a structured group such as martial arts or gym etc. He needs routine to start getting his life together.

Even if you can't make him do anything, you can get counselling for your own support.

Social services are extremely unlikely to do anything for a 17 year old. You might have more luck with a youth service such as kings trust to help him prepare for work and being treated with respect as someone moving into adulthood. Lots of people respond well to their approach and if they are a good branch of it, they will be used to working with young people who are not easy or compliant.

It sounds like you want him to change without you doing anything, OP. What did you hope to receive when you posted? The posters suggesting GP/ Social Services are genuinely trying to help you help your boy before it’s too late and he’s out there in the world as a young adult with no qualifications, no social skills, a misogynistic, entitled attitude and no ambition or clue what he wants to do with his life. It’s not about you being punished or judged for how he was brought up. The window to potentially support him is closing. Doing nothing hasn’t helped him and won’t help in the future. Please don’t give up on him.

You and him need counseling.
Cut his dad off and tell him what a waste of space his dad was; that you did your best.

Can you find him some sort of structure - a mentor programme? A college course at the very least. A part time job?

No one is perfect; you did what you could at the time. Take his phone and do not let him bully you. Any agression or racist language towards anyone, you go to the police. I would be tempted to get someone to speak to him about watching violent porn etc. Have you looked for any mentorship programmes or similar? Best of luck x

The thing is OP is that your son is on a bad trajectory and he needs his mum to step up and help him. He probably won’t be happy about it or thankful, he will probably not want the help because why would he when he can currently do what the heck he wants without consequence. But long term without any intervention he is going to end up with a shitty life, possibly getting into serious trouble, You are the person who needs to seek the help out because at 16 with no education or aspirations he is not going to do it himself.

Ideally this would have all been done long ago but it wasn’t, it’s time to step up,

It's really hard when you're asking for help and no-one is hearing you. Hugs to you OP.

It sounds to me like you have tried your best under difficult circumstances. My brother was similar. Single mother raising us. Absent father. No strong male role model. Lots of pain and anger at being abandoned by his father and he showed it in some very destructive ways. It sounds like your son needs older males in his life. Do you have brothers or cousins? Are there local charities that offer a befriending/mentoring service?