I’ve failed raising my ds

CAMHS CAN support 16/17 year olds, in our area at least. My son was referred to them just before he turned 17 and he got help quite quickly. They said they can continue to support until they turn 18 and possibly beyond depending on the circumstances. Most local authorities also have work and training help for NEETs 16-18 plus and children at risk of becoming NEET, you just need to Google what's available locally. I didn't think my son would engage with CAMHS and he was really reluctant initially, but he built a really good rapport with his practitioner and it actually really worked for him. He's now got a job and things are much better.

I don't think social services should take him away from you. That's not why I suggested it. I think you need some support parenting him. You're in a really difficult situation and I think most people would need some support seeing a way through - let alone people who have been through what you have.

He has low self esteem because no one in his life so far has prioritised him, fought his corner or built him up. No one has made the hard decisions that are genuinely in his best interests. He’s just been allowed to sink.

Parenting can be hard. Teens don’t always see the bigger picture, but that’s exactly why they are still considered to be children! And why they need someone to make the right decisions for them.

I’ve found this thread quite upsetting.

He probably has attachment issues after what he's been through. You could call NSPCC helpline for advice.

He won’t talk to me at all but then he does and takes it all back and refuses to acknowledge it and refuses to talk to a counsellor and he got quite angry with me because id told the gp what he’d said and he just denied it and said i was lying and hes fine
He's still begging you deep inside to finally be the mum he needs. It's not him who needs to talk to a counsellor as much as you to learn how to be a good parent.

Have you looked into attending parenting classes? Most councils offer some free of charge. Have you done any online research? Got books etc... it's YOU who needs to change first so you can then help your son.

Coming here is one step if the reason why you did it is to get ideas, it's really not if you want people to tell you that you haven't really messed up. You have.

A poster has given you a fantastic link to a charity who helps young men. Have you even clicked on it yet?

Do what you have failed to do for all those years so far: take action and do something so that YOU can help your son.

I think some of the comments have been a bit lacking in empathy. I don’t think the quality of my parenting would be that great if I lost a child in an accident. OP there are still things you can do, some have offered some good advice. I would recommend getting social services involved, they will help you. You both need support and, with some of the ideas suggested, it’s likely to get worse before it gets better. Social services can hopefully give you that back up.

"I have had therapy now, he did when he was younger but he wouldn’t be interested now, the only thing that the gp suggested was a camhs referral but before that a telephone consultation and he wouldn’t talk to them and said he didn’t need therapy."

Things can change, he may feel differently now.

Why are you making this about you??

This is about an almost 17 year old who you have taken out of school and given very few boundaries to and who is now off the rails.

You NEED to call social services and ask them to help as a duty of care towards your child. He needs boundaries and structure and something to aim for in life. If you are unable to do that yourself then you can't just expect a child to figure it out on their own. That's what social services are for!

And you absolutely should have called the police when they beat him up. You let him down. But he is still a child and you need to try and help him.

So from 11/12 to 16 he has not been in school or home educated?
That's a very long time.
I agree, I think you have failed him, but so has his father.
I don't know how to move forward, that's a long, am I right in thinking he doesn't have any qualifications. How's his reading, comprehension, critical thinking, maths skills?
Sorry, I don't have any advice. Someone more qualified may be able to help.

Agree. There will be something local. Libraries can be a good source of knowing what is available locally.

How is his basic literacy/numeracy? It may be rhat these need work before any talk of qualifications etc.

You're like the devil on her shoulder keeping repeating not to bother and refuting the other good suggestions people have made with the more tempting advice that no one will do anything so she's right to do nothing. I posted upthread a link to an example of an LA service for NEETS which outlines their responsibility to track and support people like this boy, and many others have posted leads too.

You seem to have read different posts if you think this kid isn't at risk. He's been neglected for 6 years, is racist in public, hooked on violent porn, drugs too she fears. If you're chill to let that slide for another few years until he is homeless and dangerous and utterly fucked, fine. In the meantime, this is a 16-year-old you're giving up on. Personally I think OP can and should tackle this now while, yes, the state does still have a role to play if she finally gets them involved. But she'll probably listen to you telling her it's all pointless because that's easier.

It’s not too late, but only if you act now. It will be tough and you may face some uncomfortable times working through things with him but a PP is right in saying you are viewing some potential (justified) questions/criticism from social services as being worse than carrying on doing nothing!

You’ve allowed him to lead on decisions and direction when you should have been doing it. No issues with removing him from a school where he was being bullied, but he needed to be supported straight into another school. You’ve both been dealt a shitty hand and you’ve been honest about your struggles, but you had a responsibility as his mum to DO something to help both him and yourself. You need to do it now. Don’t just write him off, step up and be his mum even if he pushes back at first.

You’ve definitely had a tough time of it, but I’m sorry to say that right now you are failing your ds by refusing to engage in any suggestions of seeking the support of external agencies.

Apologies, I’ve worded that wrongly. I meant to say OP should want to ensure he’s not NEET long term. Too many distractions around me when I was typing! 🤦🏽‍♀️

He needs positive strong male role models.
Someone to model the kind of man he could grow into.
Would he consider Army Cadets at all? Or even fire and rescue cadets.

I’ve not read the full thread yet OP, and apologies if this organisation has already been mentioned, but I heard about it on the radio recently.
The mentors sounded brilliant and many had troubled pasts themselves.

https://abandofbrothers.org.uk/

Sorry @Lastradaleia but this lad has had a terrible life, his dad was accused of a terrible crime which then saw him bullied and isolated, dad was found innocent but was he innocent or was there just lack of evidence? Your poor son has to live with the possibility that his dad is a ‘whatever’ he was accused of.
Your poor son then moved and he was bullied again. When school didn’t act, did you call the police? When you deregistered him did you get him tutors or enroll for online lessons or get him into out of school activities like scouts/ cubs. Local football or sports team? He needed something to socialise.
From what you’ve said about him watching violent porn and being racist I’d be VERY concerned he’s been groomed on line and is involved in something dark…. Kids like him are VERY vulnerable and want to ‘fit’ in somewhere…. Criminal gangs or even terrorists prey on lads like your son! His extreme racism and misogamy suggests he could be a victim of this and could have been radicalised.
ive just done training on exactly this with my local council who support vulnerable children who are involved with social services.
social services work really hard to support families like yours and please believe me when I say that they will work hard to keep you together and support you both!…
if you don’t reach out now and ask for professional support with your son you will regret it later!
I am terrified for your son and worried we will all see him on the news at some point in the not so distant future when he’s committed either an act of terrorism or raped and murdered some poor innocent girl/woman. And you will be vilified by the public and media because you saw this coming and didn’t seek proper help but instead just asked on mumsnet!

PLEASE seek help! He’s under 18 so start with child social services and tell them EVERYTHING.. He will thank you later on for potentially saving his life.

Social services class a child as under 18. So he’s got a year of support still if you act fast.

Social work services are not there to prevent NEET. That's not their remit.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'duty of care'. Is this young person at risk of homelessness? It doesn't sound like it. Is he at risk of harm in the home? Not now - the harm has already happened. Is he at risk of harm outside the home? No evidence of it as per OP's posts. So what duty do you think they have? They may offer OP an assessment if she asks, early help could definitely offer some guidance around parenting but if the boy won't talk to a professional there is nothing they can do for him. OP is right about that.

OP, your notion that social work won’t be able to help because of his age is not accurate. I’m a teacher in a pastoral role and work with social work regularly for our school leavers. In Scotland, young people can leave education at age 16 but most, in my experience, stay longer, so are often 17/18 when they leave secondary school. Many of these young people are working with social work and have support from them long after school age. At 17, they will want to help your son avoid being NEET long term. You should absolutely reconsider your stance on this if you really want to improve the prospects for your son’s future.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, so you do need to take action!

A safeguarding referral for a nearly 17 year old of school leaving age because he didn't get education when he was supposed to? What do you think that referral would be for??

You posted because you reached out for help. Unfortunately every suggestion that was made was shot down in flames by you. Social services are not there to judge you but for some reason you think it is worse to be judged than to fail your child.

Grow up, take responsibility, be more interested in doing what's right for your son than in looking good yourself. Nobody cares that you failed in the past, just make sure you don't fail catastrophically in the future by doing sweet FA.