Son moving in with gf, but I’m not really ok about it 😬

If she’s in an assisted living place with all rent and bills paid I’m not convinced he will be able to move in there.
I work in assisted living house and no way would any one be allowed to move in. I think it’s a different set up from where I work 4/5 single people in one house, but I’d be surprised if it’s allowed. DWP will have something to say not least because household income has gone up. They won’t pay full rent and bills for your ds to live there too.

My ND Daughter moved in with her ND Boyfriend at just 18, they'd been together three years
Still together, doing brilliantly, have a lovely home and celebrating 10 years together in February.

Unfortunately you can't stop him from getting hurt in life - if it's not this girl it may be something else.
Just make sure he knows that you're there for him, his home is always available and to keep the communication going. It's going to be hard with the worry, without him not wanting to talk to his mum! The only thing I would push on is to actually meet this lady and seeing where the assisted living place is. I don't think I could feel settled at all if not even met them. Is there anyway you can convince your son in meeting somewhere that she may not feel overwhelmed?

I understand your concern but I'd go along with it so as to not alienate my son. Make it clear he is always welcome back. Two things from me:

• Under no circumstances act as a guarantor for either of them
• Have a conversation about contraception with him and making sure he is taking responsibility for not fathering a child

It’s very unlikely to last.
it’s his first relationship. Most of them do not last. (Yes, I know some do but statistically….)

it’ll fall apart in time and the key is to be a space he can go back to when it does fall apart.

the bit I personally would be worried about would be a pregnancy but you’ve no control over that (unless you want to try buying him condoms and having a chat?)

Given your update I imagine there are other people around her who will be equally as concerned about this development.

It's also highly likely that her tenancy won't allow long term guests, and she may lose money if he tells the DWP he is living there.

I would just let it play out.

I wouldn't worry my dd moved in with her bf at 19 it will either work out or it won't and he can move home. Sometimes you just have to let things run their course

You are really not being unreasonable. You sound like a lovely Mum. I guess you just need to be there as others have said. Can you say you need to meet her before he moves in?

Of all the things that would bother me about this, her reluctance to meet you and DH would be the biggest. You have experience with ND so she should accept you will be sensitive to that. Does it mean she will never meet you, that would be ridiculous so why not now, if only for a coffee. Ask him if keeping that part of his life completely separate from you is what he wants- not sharing any celebrations or family dinners and so on. That would be a big change for him. Talk to him about the importance of compromise in relationships.

It just seems to me too much like the start of cutting him off from his family the way abusers do

You are right to be worried for your son. It would be good to have a honest family conversation about your concerns and how he intends to manage his finances. Perhaps make it clear that he needs to stay in college and engage with his course. Could you insist on meeting her or at least visiting her place?Reassure him that he can always come back home if things get difficult.

Insisting on meeting her parents is massively over the top.

my parents met my husbands parents at our wedding.

also, because she is ND and doesn’t want to meet you it doesn’t follow she is incapable of meeting new people. Meeting the parents of your new boyfriend/girlfriend is a very high stakes social situation and honestly most people are nervous about it.

my DD’s girlfriend brought home made biscuits which were lovely.

Does her lease even allow people to live there? I knew someone who was made homeless after a divorce and his dad had an over-55 flat, council said he could live there even though he wasn’t allowed!

I can definitely understand how you feel. My middle child is ND and while he’s a teenager he’s also such a naive, sweet young boy and I wouldn’t want him leaving home at 19 to live with someone his family didn’t know. I don’t know what to suggest as such but I would make it clear that the lines of communication will always remain open with us and his home is still very much his home. I would also keep inviting his girlfriend over. I found with my eldest (also ND but less vulnerable than her brother) always having an open house policy with her friends was an excellent way to know who she’s hanging out with.

So what's the plan for support for him? Presumably if he's on max PIP he won't be able to live independently? This does change things because if you're his carers then it affects you a lot, will you carry on being his carer when he moves out?

Is she being supported with this move by her parents or carers? Is she even allowed to share in the supported living placement she’s in? As you say, there are two vulnerable people here. If she were my daughter I would be much more worried. What about family planning, would they need support with that conversation?

Perhaps you could see whether you might meet her parents/carers, and at least that way, both young people will know they have support should things go wrong.

Nah sorry, you need to meet this girlfriend and her parents.

She could be fucking anyone. X

See that wasnt an intentional double entendre but its true...

He needs to be protected from himself, step in and go to this girlfriends house, sorry. Something is very off and id be worrying (not that youre not a great mum, op, i'm sure you've had your work cut out for you) xx

19 is very young these days to be moving in with a partner, and it's obviously worrying that you haven't even met her. So yes, there's no denying that whole thing is concerning. But you can't do much about it OP. The only thing you can do is tell him he's always welcome home if he ever wants to return. If you appear unsupportive or angry (like your husband clearly is) you'll risk causing a huge rift in your relationship with him. Chances are it won't last but you never know.

I’d be concerned about contraception

Who’s paying for this independent life? Does he have a job? I would be highly expecting him to be back home in the near future. But I may be wrong. It would bother me a lot too. He met her 8 weeks ago and you’ve never even seen her.