Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

Would you be able to book a place big enough for you all to stay in and share the cost. That would be one answer.

I would put it out there to them.

Send them all an email explain what the dilemma is, explain that you want to be fair to everyone but that you also will need time at home with your DS to rest.

See what they suggest.

It really isn’t up to you to sort everybody out. I don’t mean that unkindly and I don’t mean that you’re trying to take over but you should not be having to take all the weight of this on your shoulders. Nor should they be expecting you, even unintentionally, to be the one that sorted it all out for them.

Send them an Excel spreadsheet and ask them to discuss with each other what suits.

My DC’s first Christmas both my mother and MIL made a huge fuss about wanting to see them as it was their first Christmas but we were having our Christmas Day the next day when DSC would be with us so I wasn’t prepared to cook two Christmas meals. It was agreed that we would go to mother in the morning and then go to MIL later in the afternoon. So we wrongly thought that we would be having lunch at mothers and then maybe a cup of tea at MIL’s. We were indeed wrong. We were not offered a meal or a snack at either house.
Lesson learned. We had accommodated their requirements but nobody had thought about ours.
Do what works for you and accommodate everybody else where you can and want to.

Boxing Day is for seeing cousins in our family. It was the same when me and dh were young too.

You have to alternate it’s the only fair way.
You just have to have two xmases,one on Xmas day and then either Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. You treat both days the same.

Before kids we alternated. Once we had kids we stayed at home and invited parents. My mum is on her own now and always comes. Dh parents came once too, but mil went on and on about how it wasn’t the same because she wasn’t cooking. She cooked a whole Christmas dinner the next day. They haven’t been back since, but are always invited. They often try and make us feel guilty for not going to theirs for dinner, but we don’t. We do however, go and see them in the morning for an hour or so to exchange gifts. Sil always goes for dinner with her family, so they’re not alone. Then we see everyone on Boxing Day at sil house. My mum has Boxing Day alone because she often stays Christmas Eve and Christmas night.

It sounds as though your mum made a big fuss and told you that Christmas Day was terrible without you. She sounds rather manipulative. Did your brother also spend Christmas with his in-laws that year?

Why don’t you ask them what they’d prefer? Say to them that now you have a child you need to spend Christmas with your DH and child, and also need to see DHs family sometimes for Christmas. Would they prefer to see you all together with your brother or alternate with your brother?

That's a guilt trip and it's manipulative. You're not responsible for her feelings. You can't placate her by living your life and your husband and kid's to please her. Invite her to yours, but make it clear you are in your home for Xmas, if that's what you and your husband and kids want as they get older.

Host a relaxed drop-in Christmas breakfast instead, bacon rolls, pastries, coffee.

I don’t understand why your parents would be alone on the day when you’ve said you have a brother with DC that you could alternate with?

That’s not your fault though. As much as I agree at parents are not happy and share them with their children, making you feel guilty because she couldn’t see you because you very obviously need to keep things fair, feels very manipulative to me.

Was that your mum’s parents you spent ever Christmas with by any chance?!

Your mum is being very manipulative here by getting so upset! You need your own traditions now you have children. Alternative Christmas Day is fine. Can you see your mum on another day over the holiday?

I think it’s the time to set a new tradition . New baby = Christmas Day at home as a nuclear family . GP’s can come Christmas Eve or Boxing Day .

Both our families live in different parts of the UK 2-3 hours away from us. Once DC came along we tried to be really flexible with visiting everyone to keep everyone happy but the reality was we'd finish Christmas feeling more burnt out than before and I didn't like the DC not being at home on Christmas day. We now have a tradition where we spend Christmas Day at home, just the four of us. Then on boxing day we go to my parents for one night and end of December before NY we do the same for in-laws. It's still tiring, but having the boundary of Christmas day just us at ours has been a game changer personally. We can have the day that delivers whatever our kids need and can go with their timings and then they still get to see family later on x

What did your parents do when you were young? Did they spend it with both sets of parentd every year? I don't think it is fair for your mum to let you know that she feels sad I.e. pile the guilt on you.

Do you live close enough to do both?
We have my parents and sometimes my brothers and their partners for brunch on Christmas morning. Then in the afternoon we go to my PILs for a late afternoon Christmas lunch (my BIL and his wife/kids come every other year because SIL’s dad lives further away)

We had a very small house at the time but made it work. You probably could manage it if you really thought about how it could it work.