Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

It is weird you say your parents will be 'on their own' when actually they are together. Christmas with small children is special - that is why it is unfair of grandparents to make it uncomfortable for their own children or children-in-law.

One set comes to us and sleeps over at ours so we do have Christmas morning at home some years. Other years it’s actually really nice to be with my siblings and parents on Christmas morning!

Alternate is the only way forward from what you've said in your OP.

It's really important though for you to understand that your Mum is being very unreasonable here to outwardly react like this. It is totally reasonable for people to not see their adult DCs and DGCs every Christmas Day and if she expects you to spend every Christmas Day with her and not with your DPs parents and family then she is also being selfish.

Totally not OK for your Mum to make you feel this stressed about the 25th of December when you could easily see your Mum on the 27th December and do exactly the same things.

This what we do - it works well.

Either host at your in laws and your parents at your house or ask your in laws if your parents can go to theirs, explaining they’d otherwise be on their own. I wouldn’t be leaving my parents just the two of them at Christmas (assuming they didn’t want to be left).

ETA, your mum is being unreasonable with the guilt trip though, if it was me I’d be seizing the opportunity to spend some of the inheritance on a fancy cruise!

YANBU at all, and please do not let the guilt run the show. We went through exactly this when our little one was born. The first year we tried to please everyone and spent most of Christmas Day in the car, and nobody had a good time.

What works for us now: Christmas Day is just the three of us at home. We see one set of grandparents on Boxing Day and the other a few days later, so everyone gets a proper, relaxed chunk of time with us instead of a rushed drive-by. Our three-year-old gets to wake up in their own bed with their presents around them, which honestly makes the whole day calmer.

Your mum being upset two years ago sounds really hard, but you did not make Christmas Day terrible for her. She chose how to react, and you were only trying to be fair to both sides. And with your brother there, she was not even alone.

One thing that helped us a lot: we told everyone the plan early and presented it as our new family tradition rather than asking permission. One slightly awkward conversation, and then it just became the norm. You have a child now, your Christmas Day belongs to your little family first.

How do think your DM feels about you being upset about this issue?
Most caring DMs would say please don't feel awful,you have been fair to everyone in alternating and your DS must come first.Surely?

What a faff! Don’t you ever want Christmas morning opening presents in your own home? Why do the grandparents needs come first?

Yeah your mum is out of order making you feel that guilty over Christmas day.
My mum's partner travels to his family for Christmas each year without my mum so every other year she's on her own (were with my in-laws) she has never once said anything negative because she knows that it's unavoidable. She said may times when DD w as little that if we ward to stay home we.should because travelling over Christmas isn't fun with a baby/toddler/young child.
Your parents have each other, they'll be fine

We had the same dilemma as you OP and we decided to do alternate but we include Christmas Eve so one year we spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day morning with one set of grandparents and then go to the other for Christmas Day and then alternate the next year so everyone gets to see us and DC on Christmas Day. Exhausting but keeps the peace!!

What’s the distance?
I think alternating is perfectly fair and reasonable. It’s up to your mum to get over this as the guilt for you is unfair.

Your mum is being outrageous having any expectations at all of her children-in-law (via her children). It’s deeply manipulative. Does she truly expect your DH and her DIL to spend every one of their Christmases with her? What about their own parents? Or does she expect them to not spend Christmas with you/your DB?

Just think about it for a second and you’ll see what’s going on. I mean, maybe she’s fine in reality and this is all in your head, but from what you’ve said it sounds like she’s making you feel guilt.

We’ve alternated from the first year we were together and it works. We just go to the other family either the weekend before or on Boxing Day/27th.

I’m sorry but your mum needs to get over it - she isn’t alone, she’s with your dad. You’ll get your family Christmas just not on the 25th. It’s on her and your dad to find an alternative plan - go out for lunch/have a night away/have a nice day just the 2 of them.

Put your foot down on the guilt tripping now or it will never stop.

OP, I know you’ve said your mum is lovely but it’s pretty shit of her to have guilt tripped you about a Christmas 2 years ago to the extent you are worrying about upsetting her now you have your own family. Look at your future for example. Are you expecting your kids to grow up and have every Christmas with you until the end of time? Of course not. Your mum is being unreasonable and will be absolutely fine with a Christmas on their own for a change.

Dps and PIL came to us once DS was old enough to not want to leave his presents. I am happy to host.

What is the distance between the families?
We always end up seeing my parents at Christmas as they live closest to us. If we go to the in-laws it becomes a mini break and not something I want to do on the main days, so if we do see them it is usually after.
Is there any compromise on one side of the family being more willing to do something for new year?

Can you and your brother both go to your parents on Boxing Day?

As someone who has always worked shifts, my dad did too, & my daughter…you can have Christmas Day on whatever day you choose. My parents live a couple of hours drive away. When we lived near them we alternated having them one year & in laws another year. DH is an only child so his parents were inevitably on their own one year. When we moved away we had Christmas Day just us & DC, & had parents to stay a couple of days each between Christmas & new year. They’re all older now so less able to travel. We always see them but have Christmas itself with our one grown up DC on whatever day we’re all off work. It’s very easy to get into a rut you can’t get out of!

Look assuming that your parents are in reasonable health they should be perfectly capable of finding something to do at Christmas that doesn't rely on their adult children being there every year. When you have kids it's with the hope that they will grow up one day and make a life of their own. Don't let your parents guilt trip you like this.

Then alternate with them so nobody is left home alone

So this post is the actual issue, not Christmas plans really. This sounds like emotional blackmail and is really quite manipulative and dysfunctional. No wonder you're tying yourself up in knots if this is the behaviour you're trying to manage. I'd put some thought into this rather than making it all about Christmas, because there are at least 3 or 4 perfectly reasonable solutions to that.

Everyone together or Christmas Day one, Boxing Day another. Alternate each year.

Give her the choice.

’mum, we obviously need to split our Christmases between you and in laws now we have a child. I know you want to see us and DB at the same time so the kids can play, so we can either do that every other year and all come to you, but that means the alternate year-you would be home alone, OR we can come to you one year and DB comes the alternative year. Which would you prefer?

Put it all back on her.

She can always invite all of you to hers on a different day over that Xmas week.