Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

Your mum needs to woman up

FFS, it is 1 single day out of 365. Why can so many grown adults cope by themselves for the other 364 but will fall apart for 24hrs just because it is a specific date?

If it is the notion of "family must be together at Christmas" then (unless you are all deeply religious and subscribe to the whole birth of jesus aspect) suggest to your petty guilt-tripping mum that you all have another Christmas on a convenient day. The calendar police won't come and lock you up.

I think your Mum needs to be on her big girl pants and accept it. Most couples I know alternate and it’s really unfair and selfish for her to make you feel bad, even if she is upset, she shouldn’t be letting you know!
it’s not like she’s spending Xmas on her own, as she has your DF there.

You can't be responsible for keeping everyone happy so put that out of your head now! Your baby has two sets of grandparents and they all want to see you at Christmas so there has to be some compromise. Either alternate Xmas Day and Boxing Day so you see both every year or alternate years if they are too far apart to do this. If they are disappointed, they will have to cope, they are adults! Anyone trying to make you feel bad is out of order. If they live close enough you could pop in and see one set of grandparents for a couple of hours and then go on to the next. Or you could opt to have Christmas at home and see both sets of grandparents on another day. None of these choices are right or wrong, you just need to do what's best for you, DH and your little one.

We have 5 adult sons and I would never make them feel guilty for not coming for Xmas day - I would be happy to see them when they're free and if it ended up just me & DH for Christmas Day, we'd please ourselves and have a lovely lazy day. Actually after many years of hosting and cooking a huge Christmas dinner, it would be quite nice to laze around in pj's drinking bucks fizz and eating M&S picky bits!!

Your mum is being ridiculous. We have grown up children who have their own children. Not all of us
live in the same country. They obviously have their own in-laws to consider, plus throw in divorced in laws and, in one case, co-parenting with an ex. We can (and have) accommodate everyone but it would be mad of us to “insist” on this every year. We’ve had two out of the last three Christmases with just the two of us. It’s fine - and a lot cheaper. No massive shops to do, no making up of 5 extra beds, no getting up in the dark with excited littlies and no massive meals to prepare. I wouldn’t dream of making any of them feel bad about what they choose to do at Christmas and neither do we “keep score”. They are
grown ups with their own lives and preferences.

And next year? And the year after that, and the year after that, ad infinitum?

She can't have it her way every year, can she?

Can you not develop a system where you coordinate and are with your parents the year he is with his ILs and vice versa? Lots of people I know do that.

Also I am not sure how far away they all are, but we had what I remember as the most exciting Christmases as we got up and had presents at home in pyjamas, into best clothes for lunch at one set of grandparents (all the cousins there, formal lunch, presents from under the tree there, high-energy excitement amongst all cousins!) then on to the other grandparents for the evening, again with cousins, Christmas meal and more presents from those grandparents. I just remember it being busy but so unbelievably exciting - and recall the blast of cold air as I was carried out to the car asleep on more than one occasion! Totally worn out! Yes, it was tiring for the adults but they all pitched in.

Also the first set of grandparents cleared us all out by about 3pm and had a quiet sweet wine and pannettone supper while we had all moved on to the next GPs, who had had much of the day to prepare for the onslaught!

A terrible day????????
There are different perceptions of 'terrible' days. I can list afew as can many others.
Your mum is being very unreasonable Imo

Why do your family trump your husbands? Do your ILs not get annoyed at having to spend every other Christmas with your parents? Appreciate you live far away from your family but surely you can just do Christmas with them on another day?

I totally agree with this. Before we had children ourselves, we would alternate between parents. But once we had children, our family was us. Being together as a family on Christmas Day was very much about centring (is that the right word?) our immediate family.

We would think about visiting other members of the family on Boxing Day or other days between then and the New Year

@Christmasguilt do you live near either your in-laws or parents?

My inlaws live 20 mins away, but my own parents live the other side of the country. I see my parents every year for Christmas, one year at their house (and dad cooks) then the following year they travel to us (and I attempt to cook). My in-laws will then join us for the meal at our house. When we are away for Christmas, we do Xmas #2 with the in-laws when we get back.

I wouldn't over-think it. Just do what is convenient.

Hi OP, it's important to remember that you are not going to please everyone and ime, some parents (GPS) are very unreasonable when it comes to expectations of Christmas and seeing their gc. And what's the problem with someone being on their own on Christmas day? Loads of people do.
What about divorced couples and blended families?
Please try not to stress yourself OP.

Your parents will survive, don't worry.

It's just a day.

Why not ask your Mum what she thinks you should do, bearing in mind your DH has a Mum who wants to see him too? Alternating really is the only fair option, and if your Mum finds this unacceptable, I’d be interested to hear what her solution would be.

So she spent Christmas Day with her husband and presumably enjoyed Christmas with other members of her family on different days and that was terrible?

Honestly your mother needs to get a grip.

Now you have children you may find that you are happiest spending Christmas Day at home and then seeing the grandparents on a different day. That also stops one set of parents complaining that you spent Christmas with the other set

I always spend Christmas with my mother
I simply couldn’t leave her on her own
Usually I host or we pay for everyone at a restaurant but if we go to my ILs Mum comes too

Christmas is more than one day, why not see one set of parents on Christmas Eve, have Christmas Day at home with just your dh and child then Boxing Day at the other parents?

We used to do that and it worked out fine, as kids we loved having a present to open on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and equally loved being able to wake up in our own beds at home on Christmas Day then spending the day in our pj's.

We always spent Christmas at home. Me, DH and our DC. We'd see wider family between Boxing Day and New Year.

This in spades. You have my sympathy though OP, my mum can be similar.

Why is it obvious two adults and their child have to split holidays?

Why can't they celebrate in their own home? That's the obvious thing to do. If the grandparents want to see them, the grandparents come to theirs. OP said that was how she grew up. Now her mom guilts her for not coming to her place when OP's husband and child should have priority. Why should you all be exhausted and stressed and anxious on what should be a holiday?

OP's mom had her Xmases at home with her kids. Now she wants to take that away from her daughter. Pretty soon OP's kid or kids will be grown and out of the home and if this continues, they will always have spent xmas traipsing here, there, and everywhere to people please all the GPs and never in their own home. I think that's sad.

>>whispers gently<< ours are grown up and partnered. Our christmases are sh1t at present with vv elderly mothers 350 miles apart so DH and I separate at christmas so neither is alone. The DCndo what they want although dd and future son in law are coming to mum's with me this year. When it changes one of our mums will be dead.

DH and I are mid/late 60s. We look forward to christmas together. The DC can do whatever they want. DH and I will be happy to have a side of smoked salmon, a bottle of champagne and a walk.

She needs to manage her expectations. She is not the only grandparent in the scenario.

Is she happy for your husband’s parents to not see you for Xmas?

Is she happy for your brother’s wife’s parents to not see them? As long as she has exactly her own way?!