Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

Could you all go out together for Christmas Dinner at a restaurant?

My in laws are invited to my parents for Xmas dinner. My brother in law goes to SIL’s parents.

Your parents should be making the effort to let you know that they won’t be disappointed not to see you every year because anything else is just plain selfish. Even if they will be a little disappointed, they have each other and another child and they will be fine. They should be supportive of your new growing family. It’s not like you can’t see them one plenty of the days around Christmas to do nice things.

Are you all far apart?

Why shouldn't your parents spend it alone every other year? They aren't 'alone' if they have each other, anyway.

Oh no all this angst! Please don’t feel guilty! You say she’s a great mum and it sounds like she loves you very much so I’m sure she’d be happy with whatever Christmas arrangements you make as long as you and your family are happy and not stressed, and everyone gets to see each other at some point over the season even if not all at the same time, and the arrangements are discussed and sorted soon enough so that people know what they’re doing and no one is left in the dark and left out. I don’t think there’s a mum alive who would wish their child to be stressed and upset. Speak to her soon! Once it’s all sorted she’ll be able to plan for her Christmas and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy 💐

They probably realise this situation will happen eventually, ie alternate Christmases. Do Christmas at one house, and then Easter at the other.

Everyone saying the parents will be alone is seriously illiterate. They are not alone, they have each other. They chose to marry each other, can't be such a hardship to spend a day together.

We can now go abroad for Christmas, and hopefully will never spend another at home! BUT, when we were in a similar situation back in the day, we had open house gathering for both sets of parents and anyone else who wanted to be there. Followed by one set of parents going off to "their" Christmas lunch with whoever was hosting them that year, and the other stayed with us. That alternated. Everyone saw everyone. It worked, once they all got used to it!

I sort of agree with this…

Im a mum but not a Nanna, and I just don’t get the “ so upset” bit.
It’s literally one day out of the whole year ( unless you have to do the birthdays and Mothers Day dance as well? )
So many posts on here are about DMs and DMILs creating drama over special days that must be set in stone the minute the poor child draws its first breath! I feel sorry for the Dils that desperately try to do the right thing by everybody and end up never having their own special moments as they obliged to be somewhere else at someone else’s demand request.

Thank goodness I’m not like this with my Dsons time…it must be awful.

this. grandmothers who will be "gutted" can learn to be ungutted.

this. We never had kids and because of DH's job, we travelled most of the time and didn't have a house of our own for the first few years we were married. Once we had our own house, we said to both sides of the family that we had spent so many years with DH working at christmas and not in the UK that our tradition would be to spend christmas on our own in our own house. We visited both sides before christmas or between christmas and new year. It was not received with cries of joy but it soon became what we did and no one expected anything else. Our friends of our age who had kids used to say sadly "oh that sounds lovely but we are expected........so I'd say to them and to anyone really to kindly manage expectations early and not be coerced or guilted into something else.

She’s being unreasonable. I’ve got adult children and I understand they have other commitments and I can’t make it all about me. This year I’m getting divorced and I would’ve been fine about being on my own if my ex had wanted to spend it with the children. I would’ve celebrated another day with them, either Boxing Day or the weekend before or after Christmas.

One son has a partner whose parents live overseas. I would also have understood if he wanted to spend Christmas with her as she only sees her family a few times a year.

You’re not saying you prefer your partner’s parents it’s just that you have to make it fair to him too. Going to your mother’s every year would be extremely unfair. Why can’t you celebrate with your parents and your brother’s family another day? You could make it a special day with its own traditions every other year.

Another vote for Boxing Day. We always went to our grandparents for Boxing Day, packed up our new toys and got in the car, the whole extended family came. My grandparents had a quiet Christmas Day then a proper big chaotic family Boxing Day. It was great, like two Christmasses!

Could you host everyone if you bought one of those collapsible tables from Argos and every family brought a few chairs? Being together at Christmas is special. Would some of your siblings go to in laws? And maybe they would also feel more relaxed if they knew parents weren't alone. I understand how difficult it is to keep everyone happy

Christmas Day doesn’t have to be on Christmas Day. You (or your mum) are making this too much of an issue. You’re all adults. You have lots of people to see. You can’t do it all on one day so just figure out a new routine that works. It honestly doesn’t have to be a thing.

op - the phrase 'horrendous guilt' really stands out.

It's completely normal what you describe. You absolutely can alternate and see them every other year - christmas is a single day - presumably your parents can enjoy seeing you at many other times of year?

It's not fair of them to make you feel this bad about it.

Far too much stress is laid on this one day in my view!

With a baby now time to start your family tradition. Yes you probably won’t please everyone but so be it. Maybe stay at home as a 3 on Xmas day then Boxing Day offer an open house if you have room or both sets of parents depending on travel. Unless anyone is particularly religious Christmas Day could be whenever especially with a baby.

Your mum came have it both ways. She’ll either have to be sad that they are alone every other year, or sad that she doesn’t get to see you and your brother at once on Xmas day.

NB: other days are available to all get together though.

Let people be upset
They are grown up adults
This.. my mum was upset
She is manipulative and needs to cop on that you are a married woman with a child
You can't please every one.
Too bad

All those pandering to grown ups is crazy.

Nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness at Christmas or indeed anytime because they choose to stay home.

We have this situation with the nuance that my parents are divorced. Dad spends Christmas with new partner but Mum is by herself. We’ve made the decision that we alternate with my brother and his family so my mum is always with either me or my brother. It makes me sad never to spend Xmas with my brother and for the cousins not to be together but the alternative is that my mum would be alone every other Xmas day which is not acceptable. We do a festive weekend in mid December with my brother and his lot as an alternative. You have to find the option that is least bad for everyone rather than the one that is best for some and bad for others if that makes sense!

@Christmasguilt
Now you're a mum yourself, you stay firmly at home with your family and as for your mother she has to realise guilt is not nice at Christmas time
And as your child gets older your plans may or may not change accordingly who can say?
I can only suggest perhaps a "bring something yummy buffet/party" at yours about new years time-ish and you'll see whoever you see there

If she is a great mum, she'll understand. She must have been in a similar position when you came along. If she vocalises her upset and makes things bad for you, she's not such a great mum.

Alternative years - best solution if can't share with your siblings. Cousins could get together on boxing day, no?

DP and I have no kids together. He has an adult daughter. I used to be the one that travelled to see my family as my brother had kids. DP and I never spent Xmas together as he obviously wanted to see his daughter. I had pressure from my family. Nightmare getting off work, often driving 4 hrs late Christmas Eve,

few years ago I decided not to travel. If people wanted to see me they could come to me. We had a great Xmas. Friends, DPs daughter popped round. Just an open house. My parents wanted to spend it with the grandkids.

I decided to stay put. I have an open house for anyone alone. We now meet up as a family in January somewhere between us and rent a cottage. It’s Xmas day 2, but with less pressure. We get to spend time as a family and enjoy it better. Xmas is only a day.

If you both have siblings why are the siblings not taking it in turns to go spend with family? That way your parents will never have xmas alone.