Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

I wonder if they were genuinely happy about it, or if they just accepted it without making people feel guilty.

But there are two opportunities for a meal that day.

If you live close, I really think this is the answer. Yes, you have to be a little smart about getting out the door, but it normally isn't a struggle to get children up on Christmas Day! Really not a struggle! 🙄

And then Christmas Eve and Boxing Day can be about chilling...

I would support your brother here.

’Mum, DB really wants to have big family Christmas with the cousins together. I like that idea, but DH wants to spend Xmas wth his family too. Would you rather have both me and DB together every other year, or we alternate so you’ll always have one of us. You decide’

Then it’s her choice.

They will have to compromise somewhere 😬 can you imagine telling your childs beloved that their parents don't matter? OP needs to be firm with her Mother and tell her to stop bloody crying for a start.

I understand that nuclear family time desire.

I think there is an issue these days that actually we don't spend enough time as nuclear families. I think parents work longer hours, both parents tend to work, children seem to be pressed into more activities, have more homework etc. Also, even when families are all home, they don't sit round the fire (one room heated!) reading aloud, or doing a jigsaw puzzle and interacting; they tend to be on devices - often in different rooms.

And I think as a society we are a bit starved on that front, so that occasions that once would have been to embrace a wider family connection and celebrate more broadly than just a nuclear family huddle are now eschewed in favour of just catching your breath as a nuclear family when we get the chance to live as most families lived weekly at one point.

I think it is actually quite a sobering statement of how little quality time people feel they really get to spend as a nuclear family.

Omg this! If you can’t host everyone (which would be the ideal once you’ve had kids isn’t it, could your brother etc come in the evening maybe?) then alternate is the only fair way - and explain this to your mum and the rationale - isn’t it lovely her own son comes alternate years? That’s your Hail Mary there!

It’s perfectly reasonable for older parents to want to see all their adult dc at the same time every so often but it’s not reasonable to be all heartbroken and gutted if it’s not on Christmas Day. If your mum wants to see you and your brother plus your families then she should either invite you over to hers or take you all out at some point between approx December 18th and January 3rd. Your mum and Dad have each other - nobody is alone. There is no reason why young parents have to pander to other adults every Christmas.

But the parents want to not be alone AND want the OP’s family and her brother’s family to be there together.

This ☝️ 💯
We always went to my mums on Xmas eve, and then to MIL boxing day.

We spent our xmas just as a nuclear family.
Game changer. 😎
They can keep their guilt.
It's your little family and you make your own new traditions for your little clan.
@Christmasguilt

When your get to our age..60s ..you need to know that Christmas changes and be prepared for your children to be elsewhere. There comes a time in all our lives where that is the reality and your Mom should have faced this by now. And no piling guilt on people. Can we all just accept this now!!!

She wants to be with her parents AND brother’s family. Otherwise the kids won’t spend Xmas together.

@Christmasguilt your mother’s feelings are her own problem to deal with. She’s allowed to be disappointed but you’re an adult with your own family and you have to prioritize that and what works for your DH and DC. She’ll figure it out.

So do this year with your parents and next year with his? So your parents won't be alone any year.
Edited to add, your parents can't have it all their way, you have your partners family to consider. So they either have a year alone and then a year with you all together or you and your brother take it in turns. Whatever parents you don't see on Christmas day, do something with them on Boxing day.

You should be prioritising your husband so the fairest way is alternative years.

I would honestly say stay at home and invite whoever wants to come, whether it's for presents in the morning, christmas lunch or just cheese and games in the evening. And make firm plans to see both sides of the family christmas day and boxing day. Christmas will have to change as families grow up and expand and it's not fair for the older generations to want to stay firm in their plans and staying at home.

Obvious solution to me, but then we aren't fussed about the specific date in my family.

One xmas eve, one boxing day. Visit them.

Xmas day anyone who wants to is welcome to come over for an hour or so and see DC but not for xmas dinner, don't waste a family day slaving away in the kitchen for other people! (Or even for yourselves, do the big traditional dinner on one of the other days?)

We do his mums in the morning then my mums for dinner. Then we swap the next year but my mum does breakfast for us, his mum doesn’t. We don’t drink and they only live within 5 miles of us so it’s quite easy. Boxing Day we spend at home playing with the kids xx

I love my family, I also love my husbands family but I also love my own space and spending time with just my nuclear family. I’m happy to see everyone at some point over the festive season and will always make the time. I just dont understand why some grandparents make life difficult for those currently raising children, insisting on arrangements that suit their needs first.

This works well if people have the time off! We've had years where we've spent Christmas eve eve, Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day seeing people, but other years we've both been working until 3/4/5pm Christmas eve and back at work the day after boxing day so not as much time. But even then we managed to fit both parents in somehow. My parents and fil are more relaxed about it. Mil can be more difficult, which is odd as she has more "other options" , but we just firm up plans early and say well that's that really 🤷

How we did it as children, Christmas eve with one set of Grandparents, Christmas Day just us at home, Boxing Day the other set of Grandparents. You could then alternate this.

As there are other relations in your family, ie your brother, maybe brainstorm with him as to what could potentially work if you did something similar. This would include what his wife and her family usually do.

How it works for us now, we are the ones who are geographically away from all our families. They all live within 20 minute drive of each other. It makes sense for us to travel to them. My family all get together for Christmas lunch, so my siblings, their husbands and wives and children plus my Dad are all together. In the afternoon everyone goes to their in laws. It worked because a massive extended family discussion took place to see what was doable.

Christmas does not have to be one day. Make the most of the season of Christmas. We have other things we do with our families too outside of that mad Christmas day.

To be frank both sets of parents will need to get over themselves.
Of course you are now spending Christmas as a three and cannot be in both places at once.

Maybe suggest one set of parents celebrate on Christmas eve and so you go to both sets over the two days and have two Christmases?

Hi op you have your own family unit now. You do Christmas for your own dc and not your parents then you can do Boxing Day on alternative years. You cannot please everyone so don’t try. Yes your mum might be gutted but your family is what matters and both you and dp have to look long term trying to please both families each year so make a new tradition now. No parents.

If you have siblings why would your parents be on their own every other year @Christmasguilt ?