My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

Don’t be ridiculous, where exactly have I said OP has failed to try to talk to her dh? Nowhere. Stop projecting rubbish. There’s a difference between trying to get him to an external place to be joined by someone else to join in and facilitate their communication and actually sitting in your own home with no distractions. Telling him categorically (given that he’s autistic and may need complete guidance), “we are going to sit down on x date, x time, and sort x out thoroughly” is a very different scenario.

I think there's an error in your title; it should read "husband does NOT want to move out; wants to stay and be an abusive prick instead". I think he told you everything you need to know when he refused to even consider couples counselling. (Although if he really is abusive - and if his threatening to move out and giving you the "silent treatment" is typical, he probably is - counselling wouldn't have worked anyway.) There's no future here but a miserable one, IMO.

She did it her way (car wash) because he hadn’t consistently done the way he’d agreed to (wash it himself) and it had become very dirty. It wouldn’t be reasonable to object to someone taking it upon themselves to get the job done in their way in those circumstances.

Also, the OP said that her DH initiated the conversation about him leaving. He said he should go and live in an apartment on his own and she just didn’t stand in his way. So she didn’t ‘threaten’ him - unless I’ve missed a post!

I’m curious about your youngest blurting it out. 6 years old is old enough to be aware of tensions between parents and what causes them.

possibly, but blame her for what? he would be hoist by his own petard

I can’t find the bit where the OP said there was a safety issue with seeing out (thought I’d missed it) because as far as I can see she didn’t.

OP knew it would damage the paintwork because he told her and she went ahead knowing the other car owner would not consent to it. That is wrong. His over reaction does not erase her action.

He is allowed to be upset she damaged the paintwork on their car when asked not to, but the extreme reaction is OTT, not acceptable, and she needs to look at if this is a pattern, and if it is a relationship she wants to continue.

I was told many years ago that the silent treatment is abuse.
It’s hateful & made me feel absolutely terrible. Diminished, anxious & very very upset.

Frankly I’d kick him out to go find his apartment. You’ll be much happier.

It’s often a small thing (like car washing) that triggers and is a catalyst for change. Seize it or you’ll be on MN again in a few years.

Protect your peace.

6 is only little.

I wouldn't want to think my dc were keeping secrets to ease tension at that age.

Car washes are fun! That's probably what occasioned the comment.

yes indeed, blurting out is invariably at the wrong moment,
better training required there OP

My husband and I were going through a tough patch after I was taking more than five seconds to try and move on from his affair. After one particularly awful morning I found him at the computer inputting for a divorce. Normally I'd say let's talk, we're not getting divorced, let's move on etc but this time I'd had enough. I wonder actually if I had MN in my head. So, with legs shaking I went downstairs and said if that's what he wants, then fine, but he better be damn sure as there's no coming back from it. He didn't press submit. I divorced him later.

edited for wrong auto correct

He sounds very difficult to live with op. If you genuinely would prefer not to live with him then I would start planning for that.

He won’t change and may well get worse as he gets older. I’m married to someone similar and there are certain things he is absolutely rigid on. I don’t cross those lines. Some may say that’s walking on eggshells, but to me it’s a simple fix. These things that seem ridiculous to most of us are a deal breaker for him. To cross the line represents a betrayal. Whether you agree with that or not, that’s how they see it and that won’t change.

Like I said op, if he’s not worth it to you (and it sounds like he’s not), then I would call it a day now. There’s no need for you to spend the rest of your life unhappy.

He cares about the beauty of the object so much he left it filthy for MONTHS?

Its a car and a car wash

And his opinion was unilaterally laid down as law

Plus he doesn't seem to have kept his promise about cleaning it

So he has equally shown his disdain for OP

They are supposed to be man and wife, not the UK and EU

Society is secondary. If there are no humans, there is no human society. Society is made up from individual humans. We have society, social order, to make people's lives better. People don't exist for society to exist, it's other way around.

The autism diagnosis is irrelevant here. He’s extremely controlling and abusive and has you walking on eggshells all the time. It’s awful for you and it’s awful for your children who will absolutely have noticed the way he behaves and the tense atmosphere. You’ve ended up in counselling once already because he was so unpleasant to you. You need to end your marriage.

but Op wasn’t visiting your inlaws but her own ‘judgy’ inlaws

personally I wouldn’t tolerate a filthy car on my own driveway
besides which, the washed/unwashed car is a metaphor

As ever, these posts are typically not about the specific event but a broader relationship issue.

My DP would be really upset with me if I took our car through the car wash because it damages the paint. I wouldn’t do it because I know it’d upset him. However, he doesn’t suck the joy out of my life, he’s a great partner and Dad. He makes very few demands, this is one of them so I respect that.

it sounds like you are, quite reasonably, very unhappy in your relationship. The car is just the straw that broke the camels back.

Are people seriously putting even a fraction of the blame for an adult’s reaction on a 6YO child for innocently mentioning going through a car wash?! Why should a child that young have to think about hiding something so trivial in the first place?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Bonkers , isn’t it? Everyone else, including a small child MUST manage their own behaviours and words, but god forbid the same was expected from a grown ass adult. The bar is so low sometimes, ants can merrily skip over it.

I really doubt this - MN posters frequently point out these kind of rules are controlling. And he didn't keep to his end of the bargain - washing their shared car if he didn't want it mechanically washed - so he didn't leave her with any choice. You can control how you do things - refusing to do them but then controlling how other people do them is just controlling, it's not about respect.

How about he treats their marriage with the same respect and doesn't trash it with this behaviour? What does it say about how he feels about her that he is more careful with the car than their marriage?

So he thinks he asked you not to do one thing.

But you also asked him to do one thing - to wash it himself and he didn't.

Why do you have to do what he says but he doesn't do what you ask?

ND or not, he's being the usual sexist arse - wifey has to do what he says, I'd tell him to sod off.

He didn't see any damage on the paintwork. He only knew because their kid mentioned it. So no, she didn't.

I am a massive perfectionist and my eye falls upon any slight defect/colour change/lack of straightness and I sometimes take my car through a wash and I have never seen any difference at all even when scouring for one. Over time with repeated use perhaps it can be damaging, but not as a one off. I'd bet money a PP's swirls were caused by hand washing with an unsuitable cloth - there's not even anything in a drive through wash that moves in a swirling fashion, they spin which would leave straight lines.

This. It's exhausting. I don't recommend relationships with these people. It's like quiet mental abuse over time. Permanent gaslighting and undermining. I know they struggle to change but that's not your problem and you don't have to put up with it out of pity.

My husband would never use a car wash he says the same and would be pretty pissed off if I took ours to one (it's several years old too), a new car he would go mad (he isn't generally angry, he's just from a family of car lovers and it's a big no no, his dad cleans his alloys with a toothbrush, granted my husband doesn't go that far!).

Your husband being autistic has notjing to do with anything, why must you add that? If he's behaving like a twat it's because he's a twat, not because he was handed a label recently. It should not be used to excuse twattish immature behaviour.

But he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, he pro is Ed to wash the car and hasn’t done so for literally months. So @Brownhotwaterbottle took care of it- he can’t have it both ways.

@Brownhotwaterbottle , he may be nd but that’s not n excuse to be abusive and controlling, which the silent treatment and threats to leave are. If you don’t want to break up (I would) then honest conversation then grey rock. Miniseries the impact on you an the kids.