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Original poster

Ultimate Betrayal

512 replies

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 21:43

Been bugging me for a while so here we go.

My wife had her graduation this summer, was so proud of her and all the work she put in. I paid for her gown and graduation photos (solo photo and 1 family photo).

because she’s picked an early morning slot - with travel and the kids it was going to be tight us all making it. So we agreed if me and kids missed pre ceremony photos (wife was driving with parents and siblings) we’d take family photos after the ceremony. To get there on time me and kids needed to set off at 08:00 and with kids being very young the intention was never for us to go into ceremony with it being 90 mins. They’d disrupt the whole thing.

well you guess it we didn’t make it out until after 9, then with driving around for ages looking for parking we just arrived at the end of the ceremony in time to take family photos after.

this was a disaster kids were hungry and in tears in all the photos not looking forward the lot.

fast forward to a few days later and we get to see the photos to choose which ones to order. And the wife has taken beautiful happy photos with her parents and siblings prior to me and kids arriving.

I feel totally betrayed

me and kids were only there for 15 mins despite us being stuck in the car for 2.5 hrs to take photos.

we’ve obviously argued and part of me feels guilty for putting a stain on her big day but the other half thinks why would you take photos without us knowing you that only one family photo could be chosen to purchase.

think it hurts more that’s without us shes got a lovely family photos and with me and the kids she’s got a very messed up unhappy photos.

YABU - she never intended to buy photos without us knowing you and kids and was just indulging herself.

YANBU- yeah she stabbed you in the heart, back and everywhere else. She shouldn’t have taken the photo even if the intention was never to buy.

OP posts:
1coconut2coconut3coconut4 · 16/10/2026 22:47

OP totally unhelpful for this instance I recognise, but I would have put the kids straight into the car at 6.30 or whatever time was needed to leave at, give them snacks in the car, get them dressed and feed them properly on arrival. If you'd left early enough DW or her DPs could have helped too. I would be annoyed too at having dragged the kids all the way there for nothing, but i think both of you are at fault there for not thinking sensibly about what would have happened. Get some nice family photos another time.

ilovesushi · 16/10/2026 22:48

Why did you leave the building when the big birthday group photo was about to be taken? Everyone else managed to be there. Why did you not clarify that despite work you could take time off for the wedding? Why were you late to the graduation and why did you forget to feed the kids thus sabotaging the photo? Why are you so woe is me? Take some responsibility for your own action/ inaction and step back and notice the world does not revolve around you. These slights are no slight at all. All would be easily resolved if you stopped sulking and obsessing about yourself.

DaisyChain505 · 16/10/2026 22:48

If anything, your wife has reason to be mad at you in this situation.

You left late.

You didn’t think to make sure the kids were fed enough to keep them happy.

You didn’t plan ahead with the parking knowing that it would be an extremely busy day at the venue.

You kicked up a fuss like a child on her big day after all of her hard work and effort had finally paid off.

But you feel like none of this matters and she should bend over backwards for you because you paid for her gown. 🙄

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:48

1coconut2coconut3coconut4 · 16/10/2026 22:47

OP totally unhelpful for this instance I recognise, but I would have put the kids straight into the car at 6.30 or whatever time was needed to leave at, give them snacks in the car, get them dressed and feed them properly on arrival. If you'd left early enough DW or her DPs could have helped too. I would be annoyed too at having dragged the kids all the way there for nothing, but i think both of you are at fault there for not thinking sensibly about what would have happened. Get some nice family photos another time.

Yeah lesson learnt

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 16/10/2026 22:49

Why oh why did anyone (you) think it was a good idea to take young DC to a graduation over 2.5 hours away? The DC should have stayed at home. Graduations are dull at the best of times and definitely not an environment for DC.

Honestly @Mufasa1992 , I have no idea why you are putting so much emphasis on these photos.
The real question is why are you so bothered about getting a family photo even when the occasion is absolutely not optimal for young DC?

CedarCreek · 16/10/2026 22:50

Have another set of photos taken at home.

mswales · 16/10/2026 22:50

The genders are reversed, so your husband lies in with the little one?

Ohhelpwhatnow · 16/10/2026 22:50

You have 4 children under 5 including a baby and are working? You must be shattered. Hope you find a way to feel better.

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:52

ilovesushi · 16/10/2026 22:48

Why did you leave the building when the big birthday group photo was about to be taken? Everyone else managed to be there. Why did you not clarify that despite work you could take time off for the wedding? Why were you late to the graduation and why did you forget to feed the kids thus sabotaging the photo? Why are you so woe is me? Take some responsibility for your own action/ inaction and step back and notice the world does not revolve around you. These slights are no slight at all. All would be easily resolved if you stopped sulking and obsessing about yourself.

You obviously missed my post about the gender reversal., but to answer your point I went to the loos to get changed for the party as I’d spent all morning doing preparations and setting up alone while everyone else had the luxury of just turning up. Not sure why but this 5 mins when I left is when everyone decided would be a good time to take a group photo with all the guests. My husband did speak up to say Mufassa1992 isn’t here let’s wait but was told it’s ok we can take another

OP posts:
Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:52

mswales · 16/10/2026 22:50

The genders are reversed, so your husband lies in with the little one?

He works nights

OP posts:
PigeonsAmongstTheCats · 16/10/2026 22:53

I think it's spectacularly shitty of you to make her achievement and special occasion all about you.

You could have left the house on time but you didn't.

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:53

Pipsquiggle · 16/10/2026 22:49

Why oh why did anyone (you) think it was a good idea to take young DC to a graduation over 2.5 hours away? The DC should have stayed at home. Graduations are dull at the best of times and definitely not an environment for DC.

Honestly @Mufasa1992 , I have no idea why you are putting so much emphasis on these photos.
The real question is why are you so bothered about getting a family photo even when the occasion is absolutely not optimal for young DC?

Life’s been shit wanted a nice memory of a nice occasion.

this has been the first opportunity to get professional photos since having all the kids. Thought I’d be nice memory

OP posts:
cabus · 16/10/2026 22:55

I wondered how a mum of 4 under 5's studied for a degree.........

Muffsies · 16/10/2026 22:56

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:44

There’s a definite gender bias on mumsnet let’s be real. The number is posters who resorted to calling me financially controlling and abusive says it all really. But the sentiment of whether I overreacted is valid and taken on board

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Oh there are some twats on here, but they'll generally have a go at any OP who dares to start a thread.

Btw, why did you keep mentioning that you'd paid for stuff? I don't see what it had to do with the issue.

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:58

Muffsies · 16/10/2026 22:56

Oh there are some twats on here, but they'll generally have a go at any OP who dares to start a thread.

Btw, why did you keep mentioning that you'd paid for stuff? I don't see what it had to do with the issue.

Show quote history

It wasn’t to push I paid for it but explain that the package had been prepaid. So couldn’t be altered on the day

OP posts:
PenelopePinkerton · 16/10/2026 22:59

I feel sorry for your husband being married to such a drama lama.

InOverMyHead84 · 16/10/2026 23:00

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:53

Life’s been shit wanted a nice memory of a nice occasion.

this has been the first opportunity to get professional photos since having all the kids. Thought I’d be nice memory

Edited
Show quote history

Men generally do not place as much importance on photographs.

I say this as a male guest here. Did you tell him that the photos meant a lot to you?

We are simple creatures who miss subtext, tell us if you want something.

CypressGrove · 16/10/2026 23:01

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:53

Life’s been shit wanted a nice memory of a nice occasion.

this has been the first opportunity to get professional photos since having all the kids. Thought I’d be nice memory

Edited
Show quote history

You sound quite obsessed with professional photos! It sounds like you wanted to make his graduation about a photo opportunity for you and the kids. You can pay for a professional photo at a more appropriate time.

Left · 16/10/2026 23:01

Ultimate betrayal is a slightly unhinged reaction.

The kindest reading I can take is that you are exhausted with four very young children and at the end of your tether.

Maybe take a step back and look at the whole picture.

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 23:02

InOverMyHead84 · 16/10/2026 23:00

Men generally do not place as much importance on photographs.

I say this as a male guest here. Did you tell him that the photos meant a lot to you?

We are simple creatures who miss subtext, tell us if you want something.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah he did, we’d had the conversation about the photos and me and kids being there. He wanted us there and in them which is why I made such an effort to make it for those 15 mins photos were going to be done after the ceremony

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 16/10/2026 23:03

This is something you have to be on time for so you’d get up planning to leave for 7. You take food for the kids so they are not hungry. Or plan a stop on the way. Or you could’ve gone up the night before. You go early, having anticipated parking likely to be tricky.

The official photo was unlikely to be any good unless you’d done all of the above and even then it’s in the hands of the gods with kids. I don’t know how old they are but perhaps someone on your side of the family could’ve looked after them?

Your use of language is somewhat worrying. Betrayal? Stabbing you in the back? Isn’t this a day that was to celebrate your wife’s achievement and, like most things with young kids, it just didnt go quite as well as hoped?

OxfordCircus · 16/10/2026 23:04

Autumnalhibernationisthedream · 16/10/2026 22:16

BaobhanSith
my best friend did her phd with 3 young kids, I’ve another friend who retrained with a young baby and toddler, plenty of people do it

There’s a difference between training with young kids and giving birth to 4 or more kids whilst training. Surely you can see that?

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 23:05

OxfordCircus · 16/10/2026 23:04

There’s a difference between training with young kids and giving birth to 4 or more kids whilst training. Surely you can see that?

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The genders have been reversed

OP posts:
blankcanvas3 · 16/10/2026 23:05

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:15

ok feedback taken I’m a shit dad. Just hurt that same thing happened with our eldest first birthday where I organised the whole party booked the hall, organised a photography. Invited all her family and all mine and while I nipped out to grab something from the car a group photos was taken without me and I felt my wife should’ve stepped up and said no let’s wait for Mufassa1992. But she didn’t. Maybe this had opened an old wound being excluded again.

Ok good for you for organising one birthday party, that is like maybe 1/629181736th of what mothers have to do throughout their child’s life. x4 for your kids

PumpkinSeasonIsHere · 16/10/2026 23:07

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 23:05

The genders have been reversed

Show quote history

Now you see why that doesn’t work.

Societal expectations and biological reality are different for men and women, however much you might wish that wasn’t true.