Ultimate Betrayal

Does anybody else not think that the Grandparents should have offered to look after the children for a few hours while the wife and husband attend the ceremony together. My lovely kind MIL did this when my husband received his Master’s degree. However, we only had 2 children. I am a GP now so I do know that looking after 4 is hard but my husband and I could have done it together for a few hours.

"Ultimate Betrayal" 😅😆😂

It would appear communication and maturity has left the building.

I'd say you're both in the wrong. I attended my graduation back in September. Kids, family, me..all arrived on time, all photos taken etc. I don't know your circumstances, but you both need to be more organised, communicating, and working as a team. Thoughtlessness on both sides, but definitely should not have to pick awful photos. Your wife has worked hard for this degree. It's not all about you.

Are you a woman? You sound it.

OP this is so utterly irrational. What do you mean "apparently can't have" with you?

It did not work on this occasion and we can all see exactly why: the kids were tired and uncooperative.

Or do you think, deep down, that having you present wipes the smile off his face? Because that is another whole thread and the logistics of car-parking and hungry children etc are irrelevant.

Do you like your MIL?

I'm not sure that reversal test really worked. Female, male, donkey you were still unreasonable and a complete arse for the sake of a photo.

You think the photo is memory. The real memory will be how disorganized you were and how late you were. That is what everyone will remember.

Usually you can buy extra photos and family members can even if you have prebooked. Don't they give your a code or something? As photographers want to sell as many as possible.

I think it's not really a family friendly event and I probably would have left the kids with someone else if I were you so you could go, or just give the whole thing a miss. Especially with four under 5.

I can understand why you wanted to be in the photo having supported him through it, but the qualification is the main thing, not the photo. Not having managed a great photo doesn't take away from that.

You should have left on time or got childcare for the day. Lazy arse you are.

To call this the ultimate betrayal reflects a depressing lack of imagination.

I was quite harsh in my original post because - with the genders reversed - it read like an emotionally abusive husband resenting the day being about his wife’s achievement and trying to spoil her day by playing the victim. It also read like someone who was not the primary carer acting like he was the one who deserved the accolade for getting his children dressed and breakfasted.

I would have answered differently (more sympathetically) if I had known OP had given birth to 4 children in the last 5 years (with all that entails) whilst her husband was studying.

I still think though you need to take a step back and assess the bigger picture. Im glad it turns out that you didnt kick off on the actual day - because that would have been something you wouldnt have been able to undo. Your husband would always remember you made his day about you and your slighted feelings. The photos are clearly a big deal to you and that is valid. So think about how this can be made right now.

Respectfully, I would also think about how you regulate your emotions. If you feel this level of hurt and betrayal over this incident (and obviously hold deep rancour for past events too), itll be tough as your children get older and develop their own wills and personalities. There will be worse betrayals to come!

You should have taken responsibility for ensuring the logistics worked out. It was her day.

Grow up

You are jealous about your wife's achievement and deliberately sabotaged her day
You were unable to do a simple task such as leave on time and sort the kids out.
You are a terrible partner and parent
You really should be ashamed of yourself

I’m completely intrigued as to how anyone could go for ‘a lovely lunch’ with four under fives? It sounds like a complete oxymoron.

You sabotaged something that was meant to celebrate your wife's achievement. You had one job - get yourself and the kids there on time - and you completely fucked it.

You have no right to be upset whatsoever.

Understandably, it must’ve been stressful taking the children on a 2 1/2 hour journey for you.
But to be angry at your wife for being happy in pictures with others and celebrating her achievement is very selfish. I think your anger is more about how you deal with your own frustrations, about the horrible journey, about the children being upset, about not getting a nice family photograph, and very possibly about her success and enjoyment on the day.

It seems to me you have transferred your own frustrations and anger onto your wife for her to somehow soothe you and take responsibility when actually it was you who really needed to do everything in your power to set aside your anger and frustrations with the journey and the children and the photograph and be pleased and proud for her on her day.
Mentioning you had paid for the photograph and her gown, is irrelevant and some sort of justification mentality which is petty and unreasonable like you are expecting to be owed something and have not just contributed kindly without expectation for something for yourself.

I think it is worth you looking at your own frustrations and feelings and letting yourself work through them rather than attempting to make her feel responsible for your feelings by blaming her and making her feel bad. She was in no way unreasonable or responsible. We all have to smile through anger and frustration and pain and put our feelings aside when the higher goal is to show solidarity and support and pleasure at our partners success.

Your wife managed to be pregnant and birth 4 kids while doing her degree and graduating - and you’re acting like it’s the ultimate betrayal OF YOU that you couldn’t manage to get them out the door on time one single day for a photo that you wanted? Make any of this make sense. I am really struggling to see how you are the victim, to the point of this being the ULTIMATE betrayal. If I were her I’d have the major ick that after all I’d managed to achieve - four pregnancies, four kids, four births, all while doing a degree/phd - I’m married to a man who can’t even get to a place on time with said children, complaining he had to do it “on his own” and couldn’t find parking and the children were hungry. You couldn’t foresee entirely foreseeable problems for one single morning - she’s had four kids and done a degree over years!!!

Overly dramatic much.

Ffs. What a stupid reverse. OP has wasted her and everyone else’s time because this isn’t about gender bias what with men not being able to be pregnant/give birth 🙄🙄🙄

This is a minor point perhaps but having read all your posts, you seem to have a bit of martyr syndrome.

You sound like you have a lot of kids to wrangle BUT also, a husband, and a bigger extended family.

Why do you set up for parties all alone? Why don't you ask family members to help? Why don't you delegate some of the tasks to family members?

Also - why don't you communicate a bit more clearly?
Examples:
"Photos are important to me guys, please don't take the formal photos without me".
"Oh I would have loved to attend the wedding - please don't assume that I can't get time off without checking with me"

Etc

I just feel like you are a bit passive and then stuck in martyrdom and self pity. Just say what you want clearly - politely of course - but clearly.
And stop trying to do everything all by yourself when you have resource available to you. Just ask for help!

I don't understand how someone old enough to be married with multiple kids wrote this post or even thought it

edit - the original post not yours, if that wasnt obvious, no idea how i managed to quote it soz

Except yours is one of the most selfish posts I’ve ever heard. Bloke works nights and gets a degree. You are incapable of getting your own children there and that’s all his fault? Or the car parks. Or the traffic. Or absolute anything other than you owning that the root of all this was your failure to get the kids ready in time.

There you go OP, you've finally starting to realise your real problem. Start asking yourself why you are jumping through hoops and prioritising only him, at the detriment to you and four very young children. When are you going to balance their interests (your day trip was fraught with many minefields) and happiness against just his? No normal, sane person would have attempted what you tried to do without another adult for support. Why did you feel you had to do it?