Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ultimate Betrayal

520 replies

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 21:43

Been bugging me for a while so here we go.

My wife had her graduation this summer, was so proud of her and all the work she put in. I paid for her gown and graduation photos (solo photo and 1 family photo).

because she’s picked an early morning slot - with travel and the kids it was going to be tight us all making it. So we agreed if me and kids missed pre ceremony photos (wife was driving with parents and siblings) we’d take family photos after the ceremony. To get there on time me and kids needed to set off at 08:00 and with kids being very young the intention was never for us to go into ceremony with it being 90 mins. They’d disrupt the whole thing.

well you guess it we didn’t make it out until after 9, then with driving around for ages looking for parking we just arrived at the end of the ceremony in time to take family photos after.

this was a disaster kids were hungry and in tears in all the photos not looking forward the lot.

fast forward to a few days later and we get to see the photos to choose which ones to order. And the wife has taken beautiful happy photos with her parents and siblings prior to me and kids arriving.

I feel totally betrayed

me and kids were only there for 15 mins despite us being stuck in the car for 2.5 hrs to take photos.

we’ve obviously argued and part of me feels guilty for putting a stain on her big day but the other half thinks why would you take photos without us knowing you that only one family photo could be chosen to purchase.

think it hurts more that’s without us shes got a lovely family photos and with me and the kids she’s got a very messed up unhappy photos.

YABU - she never intended to buy photos without us knowing you and kids and was just indulging herself.

YANBU- yeah she stabbed you in the heart, back and everywhere else. She shouldn’t have taken the photo even if the intention was never to buy.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 00:12

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:10

That would’ve been lovely, but because the eldest had been crying my husband couldn’t deal with the stress and had a face on for all the other unofficial photos he took with me. So there are no nice photos. Gown got returned same day for the next ceremony so that’s that. All I’ve got is shit loads of pictures of kids crying and people looking pissed

Show quote history

But so what....the degree isn't the children's achievement?

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:13

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 00:12

But so what....the degree isn't the children's achievement?

Show quote history

No buts that’s their dad who they’ve sacrificed spending time with because we’ve all prioritised his degree

OP posts:
OrangeFlower14 · Yesterday 00:15

Scout2016 · Yesterday 00:02

Start a new thread OP. Along the lines of
My husband had been studying for a degree while working nights. We have 4 children under 5 so it has involved a lot of juggling but I have picked up the slack, supported him and I'm proud of him.
Come graduation day, we wanted a family photo. I got the children there as agreed. It was a long journey and didn't go well but we made it for the second round of photos. One child was a bit sulky but the photos were taken.
My husband then chose to order the photos of him and his parents, not his wife and children despite us agreeing we would use the opportunity to get a photo of us together and my making the effort to get the kids there. It's made me feel unappreciated and like all the support I've given him over the years to allow him to study while working has been taken for granted. This is the second time I've been left out of a professional family photo opportunity and it's made me feel shit.

I suspect he wasn’t keen on a family photo

Taking little ones to this really isn’t a good idea

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 00:16

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:13

No buts that’s their dad who they’ve sacrificed spending time with because we’ve all prioritised his degree

Show quote history

They have him every day....the photo is to mark his achievement ...you can take a photo with his certificate and the children if it is so important ...it's not a family event though

OrangeFlower14 · Yesterday 00:17

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:13

No buts that’s their dad who they’ve sacrificed spending time with because we’ve all prioritised his degree

Show quote history

Your toddlers have not prioritised his degree

Dad’s doing a degree, that’s great - that’s all they’ll remember

It’s you that’s making a fuss

maybe you are unhappy for other reasons clearly you are

But this is a chat board
You dumped a whole load of crap on here and then pulled the sort of reverse halfway through it

crikeymikey123 · Yesterday 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:20

OrangeFlower14 · Yesterday 00:17

Your toddlers have not prioritised his degree

Dad’s doing a degree, that’s great - that’s all they’ll remember

It’s you that’s making a fuss

maybe you are unhappy for other reasons clearly you are

But this is a chat board
You dumped a whole load of crap on here and then pulled the sort of reverse halfway through it

Edited
Show quote history

Well they’re a bit young to be on mumsnet aren’t they. I’ve also explained my reasoning swapping sexes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:21

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 00:12

But so what....the degree isn't the children's achievement?

Show quote history

I could’ve as many people rightly said stayed at home and saved myself a lot of bloody hassle and stress. But he wanted us there! And I did everything I could and more to make sure that happened for him on his big day.

OP posts:
OrangeFlower14 · Yesterday 00:23

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:20

Well they’re a bit young to be on mumsnet aren’t they. I’ve also explained my reasoning swapping sexes.

Show quote history

Made no difference to a lot of replies, I think, I thought that you were both women initially

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 00:24

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:21

I could’ve as many people rightly said stayed at home and saved myself a lot of bloody hassle and stress. But he wanted us there! And I did everything I could and more to make sure that happened for him on his big day.

Show quote history

Yes and that's great, the photos could be forgotten and you could be delighted for him or plot another chance to take photos and a second celebration ...there is a Mum on here in agony about her very sick child this really is something you could have adapted to and made special ...still can

Notimefor · Yesterday 00:26

Are you serious?

Dameputtingonabraveface · Yesterday 00:31

@Mufasa1992, I have done this for 20 years now and know I am good at what I do and have empathy and support very vulnerable people. Your response proves my point, no accountability or insight. You blame your wife for circumstances that were within your control to a large extent, and so if life happens, most people who chalk it up to 'one of those things'.

Dumbledora8 · Yesterday 00:31

Ah grow up

Sanguinello · Yesterday 00:33

If I were you I'd complain to OFSTED, the Pope and the local WI

allthingsinmoderation · Yesterday 00:38

if you needed to set off at 08.00 to be there ontime for your wifes special day why did you set off at 09.00? You were late on her important day! why?

FloorToCeilingWindow · Yesterday 00:43

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:39

Anyway I got the feedback I was looking for.

I’d reversed the genders to get a balanced view. It was my husbands graduation.

but fair enough I messed up and made it worse by arguing.

I had a feeling this was a “sort of” reverse. No man would get upset about a photo.

Was the ceremony held in a city? Because if you wanted to be included in professional photos in the morning, you should have either:

  • Booked a hotel the night before.
  • Got the train to avoid traffic and parking difficulties.

The birthday party group photo you described earlier sounded hurtful. But for the graduation one- YABU.

SALaw · Yesterday 00:48

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:21

I could’ve as many people rightly said stayed at home and saved myself a lot of bloody hassle and stress. But he wanted us there! And I did everything I could and more to make sure that happened for him on his big day.

Show quote history

Except leave the house by 8.30

Dameputtingonabraveface · Yesterday 00:48

@Mufasa1992 - just to add. I do not know if you are male or female, but on top of a very high caseload, most of which are in court/heading to court because of highly toxic relationships and domestic abuse that will result is death to the partner/children I have been on duty this week and in one day I took 6 cases came in which were all very high risk domestic violence. I have sat with a woman who have had their eye socket broken, others who have described unimaginable emotional, financial, sexual and physical violence. This alongside coercive and controlling behavior which means they feel guilty for ending the relationship. Some have previously lost their children due to the significant abuse and not being able to leave. So I do take domestic abuse very seriously, often it is not physical but it is devastating. Everything that you post shrieks emotional abuse. I am sorry it I have got this wrong, but I would be very suprised if I have. Usually I get it wrong when I become optimistic....

YourLoyalPlumOP · Yesterday 00:50

Mufasa1992 · 16/10/2026 22:04

I’ve got 4 kids that were up by 7. They’ve been unwell so yes getting them ready and out took a lot longer than just getting them ready for nursery.

Show quote history

She probably didn’t have a choice? And just had to take the first photo and you guys weren’t there

nocoolnamesleft · Yesterday 01:00

You couldn't even be fucking arsed to get there on time, and you're blaming her for celebrating with the family members who could be bothered to turn up?

Tamtim · Yesterday 01:34

You should have prepped everything the night before to enable you to get out on time. For big events, parking is usually difficult to find. This should have been considered beforehand and planned for accordingly. The photographer probably suggested photos with the people who were with your wife. You weren’t there until later. I think on this occasion you messed up by not being more organised. This is on you. You sound very dramatic.

LovePoppy · Yesterday 01:55

So you can’t organize yourself to get to your wife’s graduation, but she’s in the wrong?

I bet the divorce will come out of nowhere

disturbia · Yesterday 03:24

InfoSecInTheCity · 16/10/2026 21:52

your wife worked really hard to earn her degree. Your one job on the day was to get yourself and the kids there on time to take a photo. This means probably getting the kids up a bit earlier than normal and hitting the road in plenty of time. Taking snacks or stopping along the way if this means you can’t have breakfast at home. You cocked up this simple and reasonable ask and showed up late with hungry tired angry kids, now you’re throwing a strop because she took some nice pictures with her parents. You sound like a useless twat.

I wouldn't have taken kids to a graduation 2 1/2 hours away and then back again anyway making 5 hours in a car for them. Usually a graduation photo is one person...in this case your wife. Wondering if you are in UK.

AmnesiacDream · Yesterday 03:34

Mufasa1992 · Yesterday 00:12

The only ones where’s he smiling are the ones without me and the kids!

Show quote history

Sorry, is this a double reverse where you're actually the one who graduated?

Why is it a huge issue to you if the "official" photo of your DH graduating is one without you in it? How is that a betrayal? Do you have some much bigger issues in your marriage where he's always leaving you out? Are you jealous of his freedom to pursue a degree while you're mired in the infant and toddlers years? Is there something else going on?

NiftyKoala · Yesterday 03:42

You lost me at reverse