Family Christmas and spending different amounts on children

This sounds more about lifestyle choices, rather than affordability.
I think it’s rude and your siblings (who have probably talked to one another before the msg)have no more right to tell you to spend less than you have to tell them that your consider them to be a bit tight (not that you have said this).

I appreciate wanting to avoid disparity, but the children are old enough to understand that families have different priorities. Fairness isn’t about making everyone else’s choices fit your own and it’s healthy for kids to understand that life isn’t equal.

I think this is more about your sister, you’ve provided a reasonable alternative- I wouldn’t taper my children’s Christmas to accommodate differing lifestyle choices.

Can't you open a couple of the bigger presents before they come? We open some on Christmas eve so there's not piles on Christmas with family visiting.

That’s strangely controlling behaviour from your sister.

Just tell her roughly what you’re spending on your kids and let her know you’re happy for her to spend the same on hers if she’s concerned and you’ve no issues with her spending more if she wants to.

Maybe ask your kids if they prefer having less presents to open on the day and spending it with their cousins or if they'd rather do things how you normally do them and see their cousins a different day?

If it's going to dampen your Christmas morning I'd definitely see them later in the day

It's boring seeing what other parents give their kids, so I'd just tell her that the children can open their presents from their own parents separately. No one wants to sit through spoilt Jimmy opening 33 presents from his doting mama and papa (and yes, my kids are equally spoilt and I'm sure your kids aren't any more spoilt that most kids but the principle remains all the same). The only relatives apart from parents who can sensibly be expected to endure that and take an interest are doting grandparents, and tbh it's only really fun when the kids are small and super excited.

Just do gifts between the families (so aunts/uncles to nieces/nephews, gifts to grandparents etc) together, and do family gifts to children separately, it will save you all a lot of tedium.

Your sister is weird , it’s not like FC is involved and surely her children are used to the amount of presents / how much money gets spent on them .

This is weird.

Is this issue really worth rearranging your Christmas schedule and essentially uninviting your family over?

Or do you not really like them and it's a convenient excuse (which makes much more sense to me 😂)?

I wouldn’t be changing my spending habits to please someone who could do the same but decides not to. Even banning you buying the perfume.

She can come and suck it up or arrive after gifts cheeky sod.

@SheKnowsBall . Surely it doesn't matter what you buy your own children (and what she buys hers) so long as everyone isn't forced to sit through two interminable hours of present opening where they're expected to smile happily as little Freddie receives his sixth pair of Airpods?

Can't you just say "yes, of course" to her and then buy what you'd normally buy for your kids anyway? Unless you're literally all sitting together in one room for the whole morning having a ginormous present opening ceremony where everyone is expected to watch and keep count as each individual present is opened, why would they notice anyway?

Just think job the other children will feel if your kids have mountains snd hers only have a few In my opinion you have 2 choices.
1 spend some of that money on your nephew/nieces so they have more to open or 2. Only put some of your children's presents in the joint opening area and let them open the rest in private.

I think you’re sounding quite nasty on this op, because there is a fairly easy solution. You are prepared to not spend Christmas with your family, or upset your nieces and nephews, just so that you don’t have to compromise.

it really wouldn’t be difficult to give the £150 worth on the day so everyone has the same, and then do any extra on a separate time when it’s just your family.

that’s just a tiny ask really so that no one is upset.

you must surely have enough empathy to realise that your dcs getting many more presents would be utterly horrible for their cousins?

you would be absolutely mad to throw away a potential lovely large family Christmas over a tiny compromise.

her not wanting to drive hours on Christmas Day is far more valid than you not wanting to give your kids the remainder of their presents the day before/after.

I'm someone who probably spends less than average on the kids at Christmas and might closer to your sister's budget than yours, but that's my choice. I would never expect anyone else to change their spending habits to match my own.
The request not to gift the perfume sounds insane to me. How controlling.

All of the kids are old enough to understand that people spend different amounts at Christmas and not everyone gets the same amount of presents. I know I understood that at their age (my family preferred not to give loads of gifts but it always felt enough, even when I knew others got more). I'm not sure what she thinks she's protecting them from. They've surely figured this out by now?

In these situations, it isn’t so much the cost as how boring it is for everyone else to watch just 2 of the 14 people open umpteen presents.

Absolutely not!!! I spend tonnes on my kids at Christmas because we can. I also spoil my nephews but nowhere to the extent of my own kids!! Your siblings need to manage THEIR kids expectations!!

They’re all old enough to know how Christmas works, some get more than others, tough shit.

I could get on board if they were all under 10 but half of them are adults

I think your DSis worded this message badly. She should have asked whether you can all agree a value of presents to be opened on Xmas day: maybe one or two things then (which also saves them having to travel with a car full of presents) and the rest beforehand at your homes. Your kids are all old enough to manage that.

You're right that she can't dictate what you spend, but I think some gestures towards equality on the day itself are probably good.

This wasn't your question but I think a four day Xmas visit was not the way to kick off this new way of doing Christmas between you all. It sounds way, way too intense.

I just don't understand people telling other people how to live their lives like this.

My sister has, at least once, spent more than £1k per child at Christmas. She goes in BIG. I'm more of a charity shop/vinted/here's stuff you need sort of person. Everyone gets one gift from us, one gift from FC, a stocking and that's it. I don't particularly approve of how she does things and I think she thinks I'm a scroogy Grinch....but we don't get involved in other people's decisions. The kids all understand that different households do things differently 🤷🏼‍♀️. You do you!

Ah. Ok, then that’s definitely different to any family Christmas I’ve been involved in. We all sit round watching all the presents being given and opened, everyone engaging is just that . Tv definitely not on, and I’ve never seen anyone on a phone.

I suspected it may be along those lines. I’m afraid, like you, I am £100 plus on fragrance alone per person (son in law included) and they may not have piles and piles of gifts but I tend to give them ten or so more luxurious items they can’t afford easily themselves between being nursery fees for DD and SIL, DS is a student and DD still at school. Each Christmas easily adds up but doesn’t look ridiculous, I wouldn’t be willing to cut that as your Dsis thinks receiving such items would be spoiling her DC and she can well afford it.

I doubt your sister is thinking about you judging her but it would be a bit shit for the kids if yours are opening copious amounts of expensive presents and the rest of their cousins only have a couple. I kind of agree with your sister it might be nice to make them all roughly the same. You could always give your own a couple of little extras before/after and explain to them