Family Christmas and spending different amounts on children

She’s insane.

At that age, they know that people have different budgets. If her 17 year old is likely to have a strop that their cousin got a more expensive gift from parents, she’s got bigger problems.

Oh OK. Are you sure about her finances?

I would just buy what you usually would and let your kids know in advance what your sister has said and tell them you’ll give them the rest of their presents in private that evening/ next morning. They can come to your bedroom, sit on your bed and open them or something and just ask them to keep quiet about the additional gifts?

I can see why your sister doesn’t want to spend hours travelling on Christmas Day, however I can totally see why you don’t want to be dictated to by someone else how much you spend on your children.

Hats off to you for hosting all those people for 3/4 days anyway, couldn’t think of anything worse personally.

No it is fine. My Sisters x 2 children and my brothers children have a lot more than mine. Cars on their 18th birthday, fancy holidays etc. My children know that they’re luckier than others just not their cousins. 😝
Mind you we haven’t open gifts together.

I think trying to match number of gifts is silly, one might need a laptop and get nothing else but actually getting more spent on them. How much is spent depends on the difference, if yours are getting £200 and hers are getting£150 no problem but if yours are getting £500 and hers get £50 it would be a tough watch for hers. Would you want to upset nieces/nephews on Christmas day? I know I wouldn't.

I’d understand if she was struggling financially so unable to buy her DC much. It would be a real kicker for them to have to sit watching their cousins open lots of expensive gifts. The fact she has the money but is choosing to spend less is on her. No issue with it but she can’t expect you and your brother to do the same for your DC.

It depends how important family harmony is to you. I understand that you don't want to change your usual gift giving to appease your sister but as they are all old enough to understand I'd roll my eyes, explain their aunt is being a bit odd about everything being even on the day, and arrange to give your kids part of their presents when the wider family aren't there. Set aside an hour on Christmas Eve to have a pre Christmas gift opening session, let them know there will be more gifts to come on New Years Eve or have an hour in your bedroom on Boxing Day before everyone else is up and about.

One year, back in the 90s my dad was at the limit at the bank, so for christmas we all got a VCR from radio rentals (no individual presents at all), and that summer our holiday had been a trip to a farm park. It was really difficult for my older sisters who were 18 and 19, but my brothers and i who were quite a lot younger were far less bothered, we just accepted the situation. In fact, one of my older sisters really resented me and my younger brother for exsisting and blamed us for our family being so cash-stapped (i wouldn't say poor bc my parents owned a home, it was a cash-flow issue and my dad refused to use credit).

So i would actually say that it's more likely for older kids to take a situation where there's a huge disparity in 'haves' and 'have-nots' badly, small kids move on quicker and are less likely to take things to heart.

TBF I would suggest doing most presents a bit separately anyway. Maybe 'kids' pile into their parents room and you just do the ones to each other together. Otherwise you will be there all day. By my counting you probably have 10 - 15 people. If everyone has a stack of presents and you are handing one out, the recipient opens it everyone chats a little, silly stories and memories come out. Even just taking 3 min over each present with a single present from each person that could be over 10 hours. Don't you want to do anything else on Christmas day?

Reply ‘ok we’re going to spend x, feel free to match or not’

balancing budget and number is weird imo

and I also love the buying and gifting. We’ve moved to secret Santa and it’s honestly taken some of the joy out of it for me

If that's what she wants then she'll have to spend more on her kids won't she.

I think your siblings are being a bit cheeky to ask but I’m trying to see their side and if you’re giving laptops, expensive fragrances, designer clothes in the thousands and your DNeices and nephews are getting a couple of hundred pounds worth then it’d be an incredibly level-headed teen who wouldn’t feel a little disgruntled and I wouldnt want that on Christmas Day. I wonder what your DC would say if you chatted it through? Presumably they love their cousins and are excited about the day with them and that will be the most important bit this year. Maybe there’s a compromise that you’ll all open the very most expensive thing (the £3k MacBook each or whatever 😜) in your bedroom and then join forces for the rest of the presents. I feel like with a tiny bit of compromise a good outcome could be reached.

"Yes DSis. Sounds great. I'll tell you how much I'm spending and you match it. Ta."

The 22 year old, 17 year olds and 16 year old are fine their at an age where they're working or could be working to buy their own stuff so shouldn't be getting jealous over Christmas presents. I do kind off understand where shes coming from with the 13 and 14 year olds and its definetly worth a conversation and not to just shoot her straight down. As there may be a compromise. None off the children are at santa age so its not like things need to be done exactly the same as other years.

I'm guessing a lot of these comments saying you should do what you want are coming from people who have never sat on Christmas Day watching other people open fabulous gifts while you get rubbish gifts. It's horrible and has really effected me.

It's not about comparing and judging. Of course you notice what other people have been given. Who can sit and literally not notice?

Agreed. I wonder how many people here have actually been in this situation as a teen? I think that the Sister is just looking out for her kids and is sensitive enough to understand how it might affect them.

As a kid my gifts were literally things like a new nightie; my best birthday gift ever was a secondhand guitar (which used to be my brother's). I liked my gifts but i saw the looks on the faces of people when i told them what i got, it hurts if it's one of your own cousins.

What sort of budget is she suggesting?

I wouldn’t be inclined to alter how much we gift at Christmas but I would compromise on the delivery if it would save my nieces or nephews feeling jealous or upset.

I too had this experience. It made me feel small and literally worth less; less time, thought, expense. I would try to hide my complicated feelings but I was a kid - didn’t really understand my reaction let alone know how to truly hide it. My parents used to get cross with me for being ‘reduced’ and ‘small’ as a result of their choices.

In 20 years of hosting I’ve never had a request like this. There is usually around 18 to 24 and many kids, they all get whipped up with gifts and take no notice of others, adults and young adults are the same. Tell your sis she either comes later or gets over it. Cheeky cow !

People, even of simialr income levels, do Christmas differently. I tend to pretty big Christmases, but we don’t do a lot for birthdays. Some people just give a sweater and a book, but buy iPhones and laptops and Xbox consoles etc through the year as wants and needs arise. I think mixing behaviours is potentially quite hard

i’m guessing that the reason your brother was quick to thumbs up is that his wife does all the present buying and he has no idea about the process, thoughts etc.

I’m not sure the secret extra present stash is a great way forward either - do you swear your children to secrecy - that doesn’t feel great either.

I realise that this is a luxury, but it sounds as though you aren’t struggling either - I don’t have a budget I could tell a sister. I thubk about what they need or want and that I am willing to buy and then keep an eye that things are reasonably fair between them. Spending therefore varies lots year to year

Like some pp though, as they pass to higher teens and out of teens, it gets much harder thinking what to get and I have resorted to part of the present hail being cash, as this can be travel money or whatever. I guess this could be dealt with separately, but if you take it away from the context of a Christmas present under the tree, it all feels a bit transactional and may as well become an allowance boost, which doesn’t feel the same at all.

I'd happily buy my kids less and then perhaps put some more money into their accounts to spend of what they wanted if it meant that other kids who were spending Christmas at my place didn't feel bad about what they got.

You could even do a stocking that they open in their own rooms when they wake up and not in front of everyone. In there you can put things that are expensive but small, such as the perfume.

I have never been the kind of person who gives my kids big piles of presents though, so to us that isn't what makes Christmas Christmassy.