DD18 and DH48 arguing

DecisionTime123 · Yesterday 22:59

Your husband is a spiteful bully and you need to protect your daughter. You need to tell him you won't tolerate him behaving like that and that he needs to apologise. How long has your daughter been bullied like this?

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 23:06

Parents and Teenagers have arguments.. they just do, it’s one of those things.

I don’t think it’s a pre-cursor behaviour in a future relationship. His behaviour in the 18 years prior to the argument is more likely that, and the relationship you model yourself.

Giraffehaver · Yesterday 23:07

You should have a chat with dh in a quiet moment and explain how you see it and he should grow up and walk away if things threaten to get heated

IButtleSir · Yesterday 23:08

Yeah, you absolutely should not be allowing your husband to shout at your daughter. Arguing is normal, but his job as her parent is to model a calm, respectful disagreement, and your job as her other parent is to pull him up if he's failing in that. No one ever needs to shout at another person.

IndieRocknRoll · Yesterday 23:12

I’m on the fence. I think he needs to find a way to rein it in but bloody hell teenagers can occasionally push your buttons. I’ve yelled at my son before at the end of my tether when he’s just been on at me relentlessly.
If it becomes a regular thing it needs to be addressed but everyone is human and has the occasional lapse.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · Yesterday 23:13

I think it's hard to say without knowing what the argument was about, who was right / wrong. If she had a difference of opinion with him and he was shouting at her for nothing then no that's not OK. If she had done something stupid or hurtful and kept doing it then sometimes parents are going to lose their temper.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:15

I know teenagers and parents arguing is part of growing up, and I know he should apologise. I really thought he would this evening. I know if I told him she was in tears he'd be devastated as we know shes not someone who crys. He apologised after the last big argument as he felt terrible. He did take himself away from the situation. Im not condoning what he did at all, there is no reason he needed to shout like that, I just wonder if they'll be a time where they can get along.

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Swanned · Yesterday 23:15

He’s human and teenage girls can really push buttons. As long as it’s a one / two- off (over the past 18 years of parenting) then I think you could let it go. If it’s a regular occurrence then it needs addressing.

RudePhthaloDalmadoodle · Yesterday 23:16

This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back.

Outside of the heat of the moment/after the fact when discussing things calmly, can he admit that he was wrong in. the way he reacted to the disagreement? Does he understand how seriously his mishandling things and losing control affects your daughter (and to a lesser extent you and possibly DS having to witness it)? Is he sorry? Does he apologise?

The fact that you say that if you try to intervene he'll turn on you and he can't seem to understand that you would NOT be taking her side in the actual argument but rather reminding him to control his anger and treat his daughter decently is worrying.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether he has a serious anger management issue - he objectively knows that the way he behaves towards DD in these moments of heated discussion is wrong, but once he does get angry he can't recognise that he's losing control or stop himself - or whether he's intending to be bullying and abusive. If it's the former, some professional anger management counselling could probably help, but he would have to recognise the impact of his actions and commit to changing first.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:23

He does recognise he's losing control thats why the argument didn't last long and he took himself away.

She does wind me up do I know how she can be but as other people have said there is no need to be shouting at that level. I honestly thought he would have sorted things out with her tonight. The further I am from the argument the further I can remember it, it did seem to be escalate over nothing, dh gets infuriated with dd answering back, but I see it as standing up for herself and it did seem like she was surprised he was loding his shit so quickly as moments before all seemed fine. Im sorry but I font know how to reply to individual posts do I'm trying to cover what's been asked.

Thankyou all for ur replys

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Swanned · Yesterday 23:27

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:23

He does recognise he's losing control thats why the argument didn't last long and he took himself away.

She does wind me up do I know how she can be but as other people have said there is no need to be shouting at that level. I honestly thought he would have sorted things out with her tonight. The further I am from the argument the further I can remember it, it did seem to be escalate over nothing, dh gets infuriated with dd answering back, but I see it as standing up for herself and it did seem like she was surprised he was loding his shit so quickly as moments before all seemed fine. Im sorry but I font know how to reply to individual posts do I'm trying to cover what's been asked.

Thankyou all for ur replys

You click quote to answer individual posts.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:30

Swanned · Yesterday 23:27

You click quote to answer individual posts.

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Ah thankyou, it was as simple as that!

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Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:33

IndieRocknRoll · Yesterday 23:12

I’m on the fence. I think he needs to find a way to rein it in but bloody hell teenagers can occasionally push your buttons. I’ve yelled at my son before at the end of my tether when he’s just been on at me relentlessly.
If it becomes a regular thing it needs to be addressed but everyone is human and has the occasional lapse.

Thankyou for this reply, yes teenagers can be annoying. It's a difficult situation and I too have shouted at my kids, but this 'shouting' seemed to be off the charts!

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nochance17 · Yesterday 23:44

Your husband sounds on the edge, is he depressed or burnt out. Find out how he is feeling generally and whether this is contributing to his anger issues. Driving off in the car is not a good sign. My ex used to start arguments and then use it as an excuse to leave the house. He either can’t regulate his emotions (how is he usually ?) or there is more going on. Carrying on as if nothing has happened won’t solve anything so speak to both of them . Your DD needs your support but you don’t say what the argument was about, was she justified or was she being unreasonable ? I would talk it through with both of them and clear the air otherwise it’s likely to keep happening.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:46

RudePhthaloDalmadoodle · Yesterday 23:16

This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back.

Outside of the heat of the moment/after the fact when discussing things calmly, can he admit that he was wrong in. the way he reacted to the disagreement? Does he understand how seriously his mishandling things and losing control affects your daughter (and to a lesser extent you and possibly DS having to witness it)? Is he sorry? Does he apologise?

The fact that you say that if you try to intervene he'll turn on you and he can't seem to understand that you would NOT be taking her side in the actual argument but rather reminding him to control his anger and treat his daughter decently is worrying.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether he has a serious anger management issue - he objectively knows that the way he behaves towards DD in these moments of heated discussion is wrong, but once he does get angry he can't recognise that he's losing control or stop himself - or whether he's intending to be bullying and abusive. If it's the former, some professional anger management counselling could probably help, but he would have to recognise the impact of his actions and commit to changing first.

I wouldn't say he has serious anger management issues, we have been together 21yrs and if he did i wouldn't be with him.

He can stop himself as he took himself away in the car. He will be cut up over this and I am surprised he's not gone to say goodnight to clear the air between them.

Bullying and being abusive is not who he is, whether he came across to my dd as this I'm not sure but he absolutely would not have intended this, he really cannot cope with her answering back, this is what made him angry

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BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 23:56

You should have stepped in and protected your 18yo daughter from a grown up adult man screaming and shouting at her - and you know it. He can’t cope with her answering back? That’s his issue and he should be able to cope with it, as an adult. Teenagers and young adults do question things and do answer back. Screaming and shouting at a young female is not acceptable and you hiding away in another room is pathetic. He is a bully and you are too. For letting her go through that when you could have done something. Would he scream and shout at someone in work because they answered him back? Of course not, what is this household- a dictatorship.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:58

nochance17 · Yesterday 23:44

Your husband sounds on the edge, is he depressed or burnt out. Find out how he is feeling generally and whether this is contributing to his anger issues. Driving off in the car is not a good sign. My ex used to start arguments and then use it as an excuse to leave the house. He either can’t regulate his emotions (how is he usually ?) or there is more going on. Carrying on as if nothing has happened won’t solve anything so speak to both of them . Your DD needs your support but you don’t say what the argument was about, was she justified or was she being unreasonable ? I would talk it through with both of them and clear the air otherwise it’s likely to keep happening.

I did wonder that too, slightly depressed? Aren't we all?? We have just had his parents to visit last weekend which he finds hard, it's full on for a few days. He went off in the car yes, to go fishing, he wanted to end the argument, I don't think this was a bad thing as everyone needs to calm down first before sorting it out, only the sorting it out hasn't happened which I thought it would this evening.

He has seemed in a good mood....covering for what's happened/acting like nothings happened yet I know it'll be really bothering him.
I know it would really help if I could say how or why it started but it's so difficult.

Speaking to my dd she says in the past when shes by herself with him it's okay like when they were going to cinema but if it's the 3 of them, dh, dd, ds she says she feels like dh trys to make fun of her to get ds to be onside eith him and laugh at her, I'm probably making this sound terrible as he would not be nasty to dd, but I find me and my kids can all take the micky and we all laugh along with each other but if dd trys to have a laugh with dh he takes it so personally, as I said b4 he's turning into his dad as his sense of humour is diminishing

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Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Today 00:09

BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 23:56

You should have stepped in and protected your 18yo daughter from a grown up adult man screaming and shouting at her - and you know it. He can’t cope with her answering back? That’s his issue and he should be able to cope with it, as an adult. Teenagers and young adults do question things and do answer back. Screaming and shouting at a young female is not acceptable and you hiding away in another room is pathetic. He is a bully and you are too. For letting her go through that when you could have done something. Would he scream and shout at someone in work because they answered him back? Of course not, what is this household- a dictatorship.

Yes i do know i should have stepped in, and I do believe I said in a previous post that I felt like a arsehole for not stepping in, I admitted I was wrong for not doing so. U don't need to rub it in or call me pathetic and a bully, it's not like it went on for minutes on end, have you never made a wrong call in your entire life, if only my life could be as perfect as yours is, seems like you've never made a wrong call in your life!

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WhatDoRacoonsSay · Today 00:15

Please protect your daughter.
I grew up with a Dad like that and my Mum just let it happen.

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Today 00:18

WhatDoRacoonsSay · Today 00:15

Please protect your daughter.
I grew up with a Dad like that and my Mum just let it happen.

How often would your dad argue with you?

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Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Today 00:25

I think I will show dh this tomorrow and see what he thinks of the replys. This is not going to be brushed under the carpet.

I think he will be shocked at the replys that paint him as an absolute monster, as even dd would not think of him as such. And no shes not scared of him, no he doesnt abuse her, he isn't a terrible person, there is no parent on here that can honestly say they've never argued with teenagers, but how quickly it escalated and the volume in which he shouted and how it upset dd so very much needs to be discussed

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MrsMorrisey · Today 00:42

Of course you are going to get replies saying he is an arsehole etc. None of us know the situation. I think some men get grumpier as they as age as the world brings you down as we all know. What did your daughter do to wind him up so much? My husband has had arguments with my teens before and they both get over it quickly and it’s often the mum that holds onto it longer than need be.
I don’t think showing him this is going to help at all, it would look like ganging up on him to prove a point.
why don’t you all sit down together and talk about it?

Besidemyselfwithworry · Today 00:46

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 22:48

First post ever.

This afternoon, dd18 and dh48 who is the father of dd had an argument over what seemed like nothing.
I will say that dd can be argumentative at times and winds me up at times, also I feel dh treats her differently to ds17 who is quiet and laid back and never really argues. This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back. He leaves to go out somewhere in the car, she goes up to her room, she later comes down very upset, and is crying quite alot, I will say that dd is not a cryer and it was a shock to see her like this.
I feel like an arsehole because if I saw a much older man shouting this way at at 18yr old girl/young lady in the street I really think I would have stepped in and asked if she was okay/needed help. Yet for my own daughter I stay in the adjacent room and listen to it escalate for a minute. Im not at all scared that my dh would ever be physical with dd or myself, I know he would never do that, yet I feel like I should have gone through to diffuse the situation but maybe I subconsciously never as I know he would turn on me and say I always take her side.
I will say my dh is 99% of the time a quiet man, doesnt like drama but I feel over the yrs he's turning into his dad, can't take a joke anymore, feels like any banter at work is people picking on him and just lacks the ability to have a laugh at himself anymore.
Not sure what my aibu is, but I'm still dwelling on it, and I know he is, he hasn't even gone up to say goodnight to them or shout up goodnight to them, despite their age it's what he does but not tonight!

I worry if I died, and dd in the future had a boyfriend/partner/husband who screamed and shouted at her like this, would she just accept this as normal because her own dad has treated her like this a couple of times, and not feel able to tell her dad about it.

We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened, last time he lost his temper he felt awful and apologised. I hate this situation.

my dad and i got on well but my goodness we would have have liads of arguements/debates but he never shouted at me like dh did to dd. Advise??

Why are you not leaving and taking your daughter with you?

Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Today 00:53

MrsMorrisey · Today 00:42

Of course you are going to get replies saying he is an arsehole etc. None of us know the situation. I think some men get grumpier as they as age as the world brings you down as we all know. What did your daughter do to wind him up so much? My husband has had arguments with my teens before and they both get over it quickly and it’s often the mum that holds onto it longer than need be.
I don’t think showing him this is going to help at all, it would look like ganging up on him to prove a point.
why don’t you all sit down together and talk about it?

I think ill see what happens tommoz/today. He'd be crushed if I told him she was in tears. Maybe I shouldn't show him this thread then.

Im going to recall the argument as best I can but ive slways said I couldnt be sure and it seemed to stem from nothing.

All happening in same big open plan room, Ds making his lunch, dh on the piano, dd comes down and asks dh how long he will be on the piano, he then decides to just come off it to let her on, shortly after she yips at her brother to hurry up with his lunch as she wants to mske hers, I 'think' dh must have said domething along the lines of ive just got off the piano for u and now ur yipping at ds to hurry up. She 'probably' will have said i didn't ask u to get off the piano I asked when will u be finished, he will see this as rude and have a go at her, she'll see it as she's fone nothing wrong, stupid argument escalates, dh can't stand her answering back, this would absolutely never have happened with his parents, he would never argue with his dad no matter what, I wonder if this why he struggles with dd arguing.

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Original poster

13amielsaoranna · Today 00:56

Do you not think showing him this thread will show him that shouting like that is totally unacceptable?? Although I do think he will know this himself and be regretful anyway

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