DD18 and DH48 arguing

I used to have screaming matches with my mum, so did my brother. I never doubted her love for me though and we have a very good adult relationship. I also did take on what my mum was saying although not in that moment. My dad was much more keep quiet, stay out of it & then try & impart some wisdom at a later date.

I'm sorry no she is not vulnerable she is an 18 year old adult now and she will argue with parents and vice versa like a normal family...I'm from a large family and I remember having huge rows with my dad and some of my sister's did to as did my brother's with my mum. Probably only twice a year but ye looking back I knew exact what to say to wind my dad up for sure just like my brother knew exactly what to say to wind my mum and we are talking about older teens when it started all fine before. It's all a mix of hormones and trying to assert authority against mother and father figure without realising your doing it. Thank goodness we all grew out of it by 20 and now my parents are my best friends and the first person we all go to for advice,chats etc. The one thing I did learn with my own teens now, just to walk away and not bite and return to the subject another time. But I won't say I'm not fuming inside sometimes because yes they know what to do and act to get a reaction lol

Of course you can, and should, tell him the effect his behaviour had on DD (she was crying) and on anyone else who had the misfortune to hear him. If it makes him feel bad or devastated then that's exactly how he should feel.

I think you should also strongly remind him that DD is no longer a child, but a young adult with her own feelings and opinions. Ask him if he would use this authoritarian and dictatorial tone with another adult? He probably wouldn't, but then he probably doesn't see DD yet as the young adult that she is. He can't expect her to take things meekly lying down. She may express an opinion of her own, as she is fully entitled to do, and that opinion can sometimes be at odds with his.

I think you would be mad to show him this thread. That will just look like you discussing him behind his back with randoms on the internet. It's more likely to anger him than ensure that he has the epiphany you want.

I don’t understand why you can’t tell him he made her cry?

This reads very much as though you’re minimising. It’s not acceptable to scream ‘shut up’ at anyone at all. Your husband knows that - that’s why he doesn’t do it in he street or at work. He can control it.

Think very carefully about those times when your daughter says he seems to make fun of her to side with her brother. Think hard about what those times actually mean. Think about what it means to just let someone scream shut up. Stop telling yourself he’s ’not that kind of person’ and that if he were you ‘wouldn’t be with him’. Put that aside and look clearly at the behaviour.

This nails it

This.
I have a daughter that age and I just cannot imagine hiding away and leaving her to that.

Really awful parenting by you both.
Your poor daughter.
Your husband has an anger issue and is a bully.

She will never forget today and how you both behaved.

You need to go into serious damage control here.
She is at a vulnerable age and both her parents are abandoning her, him screaming and you hiding.

No wonder you feel off about this.
How could you not.

She's your child and you protected yourself against his anger if you intervened , yet left her to face it alone.

I'm not being harsh deliberately.
You know yourself this was very wrong.

Firstly I have read it
secondly my user name is ancient
Thirdly don’t need to sort myself out
you clearly need to sort yourself out for the sake of your daughter this isn’t fair on her. You even say you’re worried this behaviour will normalise future relationships yourself. I just don’t understand why anyone would tolerate this and I feel sorry for your daughter

Yes, I get like this too. Caught up in the idea that’s it’s rude and disrespectful and not to be tolerated. It’s easy to get outraged when you see it this way, but ultimately it only makes things worse. You really do have to reprogram yourself, which takes a lot of self awareness in the moment.

Daily.
Everything I said or did was wrong.

It’s not easy. We’re all triggered to different degrees by arguments and shouting. I don’t want to minimise how hard it is because I struggle with it myself. Perhaps you and your partner can have an agreement that if either one of you noticed the other starting to get into a place where they might start shouting you can step in and take over and the other person can take time out.

She isnt 'answering back' she's defending herself. You need to explain it to him like this: If he started having a go at his mate in the pub, his mate would argue back and defend his corner. DH wouldnt then start telling his mate to shut up and feel like his mate should just stand there and take it and shouldn't defend himself, would he? So why would he expect DD to. Being a parent doesnt give you the right to have a go at someone and then expect them to just sit there and take it, even if they disagree with it.
I had a dad EXACTLY like this and we have a shit relationship now because he thought being the parent meant he was automatically in the right and I should just shut up and do as I was told. Which is really wrong to teach kids, especially teenagers. He should be teaching her how to calmly deal with conflict and be respectful of other people and instead he's just saying 'I deserve more respect than you because I made you' and its so wrong.

He's got to start seeing her as a young adult and stop thinking she's answering back, rather than defending herself. She shouldn't have to defend herself in her home. She should be able to say to both of them that she doesn't like what's happening and he needs to stop. You need to recognise that you can't step in to de-escalate, or you get verbally abused. He isn't Lord of the manor, although he's getting to the age were men seem to think they are in charge and should be able to change the mood in the house.

I think you need to tell him how upset she was. Tell him you really think he needs to apologise to her and the two of them need to have a chat about how to manage the situation in the future. But he is the older person here, so when he feels himself getting into that dysregulated place he needs to walk away.

I say this as someone who has dealt with a lot of escalating rudeness from one of my children recently and find it very hard not to shout. But ultimately it is my responsibility as the older person to manage my response to the situation.

Well if you think this sort of behaviour is acceptable you need to give your head a wobble
im shocked at the low standards people have sometimes, this being one of them
your poor daughter having a mum who won’t stand up for herself or for her daughter

Why are you not leaving and taking your daughter with you?

Of course you are going to get replies saying he is an arsehole etc. None of us know the situation. I think some men get grumpier as they as age as the world brings you down as we all know. What did your daughter do to wind him up so much? My husband has had arguments with my teens before and they both get over it quickly and it’s often the mum that holds onto it longer than need be.
I don’t think showing him this is going to help at all, it would look like ganging up on him to prove a point.
why don’t you all sit down together and talk about it?