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Original poster

Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

207 replies

Disappointee · Yesterday 19:33

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · Today 07:57

Why can’t mum have some weekends - even is she works then - not sure is that’s the case - but very strange to never have your child fri to tue

you didn’t have dc so not really sure why you got back the 2nd time you split up as it’s a lot to take on and complicated

yes a routine /bedtime is important - 5am awake is crazy but at 5 quite capable of being quiet /going back to sleep with persistentence and boundaries

once child is asleep why can’t you shut their /your door to have sex

and open it again after

so due to partner working the evenings you don’t have child you never have time together alone

no reason why you can’t have date night and have granny or a babysitter once a month

sounds like you do a lot. Does he ever do stuff alone with his child or are you more mum then he is dad

if you want kids I don’t see this getting any better and would seriously think about ending it and finding a new relationship

ArtforEveryone · Today 08:03

OP, please listen to the posters on here. I know it must seem very difficult for you to leave, but you will bitterly regret wasting your life on this man and his situation.

violetcuriosity · Today 08:04

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, me and my partner got together when my elder daughter was 5 and it was always a priority for me to keep consistency and routine even at the weekends so that we could have an evening together and also because I was knackered!

thepariscrimefiles · Today 08:21

Disappointee · Yesterday 19:48

we have DSC Friday night to Tuesday morning (when DP takes them to school). So 4 nights. Our work hours are different: I am 10-6, DP IS 9-5, I have a 1 hour commute and don’t get home until 7ish. DP is teaching music 630-930 on the days DSC isn’t here (tues, weds and Thurs). There’s no real time together.

DSC mum can’t have them for various reasons at the weekend, too long to explain.

I don’t expect dates. I just want some
time to feel like a couple. We’ve had a handful of dates this year and it feels like a slog.

Show quote history

It's admirable that your DP wants to spend so much time with his child. However, this is very much to the detriment of your relationship and I would be re-thinking the relationship and probably making plans to leave.

He was very quick to have unprotected sex with other people after your split up and your relationship has completely changed due to his careless sexual behaviour. I wouldn't be able to get past this.

nutbrownhare15 · Today 08:31

This is not a life I'd want tbh. Yes kids come first but it sounds like there is no accommodation initiative or compromise from DP. It sounds like there is little keeping you together other than the focus on the child.

BeeDavis · Today 08:58

Meand2Ls · Yesterday 19:49

I’m surprised they are still going to bed at as as 7:30 at 5, I think 8:30/9 is more typically from all the 5 year olds I know including my own. Especially on the weekend

My 5 year old is in bed at 7ish on a school night, not necessarily asleep we read books usually and then he’s normally asleep for half 7. On a weekend he does tend to go to bed later but I think 5 is still quite young for a later bedtime during the week when they’ve got school.

allthingsinmoderation · Today 10:17

The issue of why you got back with him twice aside i think this is a parenting /relationship issue. You DP doesnt make any time due to work and childcare for you relationship and when this happens even in a relationship where you are both the parents of the child it causes unhappiness.
Sit down with your parnter and explain how never having any time for each other and your relationship is making you unhappy and decide together if you can/want to resolve that.
Could you organised grandparents to have DSC overnight once a month?
Could you close your bedroom door for a while once a week?
Could you get a babysitter now and again?
Could you encourage DSC to entertain herself for a while when she wakes early? eg: Ok to wake clock,quiet activity tray,snack box.
As the DSC mum only has the child 3 nights on school days ,she doesnt get the time with the DSC that your partner gets ie 4 nights and all weekend (non school days) Could that be tweaked to be fairer to both parents? Eg: one in 4 weekend where the mum has a day and a night. Or at least ocassionally?
If the answer is no to all of these things,you will have to face the fact that your partner doesnt want any quality childfree time with you.....if thats the truth you have to decide wether thats something you want to carry on with.
Also,if you want to have children yourself at any point( unlikely considering you cant close the DSC bedroom door for 20 minutes!) consider how that would impact the current dynamics.

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