Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

YANBU. It's not the same relationship. Your nephews and their stepsister don't have the same family. That's just the way it is. If people don't like it, they shouldn't be 'blending' their families.

Yes, yes really. Because this is her grandma by marriage! By marriage she is part of this family. It’s not about the money, it really isn’t, it’s about being treated as part of the family, and this family give out 12k cars! (Mine didn’t, lol).

There’s a difference between her parent/step parent treating all the kids the same and the entire wider family treating them the same. The former is a given, the latter absolutely not. SD is not your mums GC, simple as.

You’ve literally spent thousands on your nephews/grandchildren, and given a generous gift to your sister’s stepchild, and yet you’re still being called ‘tight’. Laughable.

Your sister is entirely in the wrong here. She had no business making the assumptions she did. Let her sulk. YANBU.

Wtf! Feelings of rejection because you don't get a car on your 18th birthday! Maybe HER grandmother/mother will buy her one?

@SheLovesThat Your sister is a CF!

This is not the first step child my sister has had. She had a step son years ago who my nephews grew close to. She split with his dad and none of us got to see him again.

@SheLovesThat hahaha. That makes it even worse. Your sister is a absolute nutcase given this history. That was my point exactly. If there is a divorce the stepchild will disappear from your lives because you are nothing to her and she is nothing to you. For her to give you the silent treatment is crazy. Have you pointed out about the disappearing stepson? I wouldn't even bother discussing it with her. She's entitled and sulking on behalf of a child who is primarily the responsibility of her biological parents, your sisters lesser responsibility a step mother but zero responsibility of yours.

My mum has decided to leave everything in her will to her GC.

Good for your mum. A wise woman.

Has this girl's aunt spent £2k on your nephews? If so YABVU (or I suppose £1k each seeing as there are 2 of them). Maybe she chipped in for their flat deposit.... if not they are being cheeky fuckers and you crack on.

DstepFIL gives his actual GC £££ cash for bday etc, he buys mine really thoughtful books/magazine subscriptions. I think nothing except how thoughtful and kind.

Ive said this so many time… I was this girl once, and my step dad’s sister and her husband (my ‘aunt and uncle’) treated me and my sister the exact same and as step dad’s daughters. I had my own dad and other family too. I messaged my uncle recently to thank him for being so wonderful to us, they always made me feels so welcome and loved. He replied saying of course they treated us the same, we were great kids etc etc.

I think you aren’t obliged to do anything you don’t want to. But the feeling of rejection or love and acceptance will stay with your step niece. It’s not being grabby and entitled, it’s much more than that.

Tbh it should've been obvious to the sister.

Yanbu your sister and her husband are grabby cheeky fuckers.

By not having to sub her own sons you’ve already helped her with her step child.

To avoid exactly this situation! So that the OP's sister could have told her years ago that her step brothers were being given enormous gifts from their grandmother and aunt, but she needed to manage expectations. There isn't the same family link, so they're not going to spend the same. It might be obvious to adults, but she was a child seeing her step-brothers getting cars for passing their tests. She needed to be told in advance that this wasn't going to happen, not be disappointed on the day.

This shouldn't need spelling out to you.

Agreed. If OP's sister had expected a car for step-DD, she should have said before the first grandchild received their car. Expectations for major gifts like this should have been discussed long ago.

I expect your nephews drive to their full time jobs in the cars that were bought for them. Perhaps your sister was hoping the step-daughter would get that opportunity too. I’m not saying she is entitled to a car and insurance. Perhaps that step up is what helped her two step brothers though, and to even start her working life it will be much more difficult for her without transport.
You have obviously been a great auntie to your nephews. It’s a difficult situation but it indicates you don’t see her as part of the family as much as your sister does.

Step children are not extended family’s grandchildren etc and can not be expected to be treated the same. I have a daughter who has a step parent and family.

Does your sister expect your mother to leave her money in her will as well? It's just delusional.

Wondered this too.

Unreasonable that a combined £28k was spent on nephews when that would have easily covered 3 cars, insurance AND probably fuel for a year if more reasonable first cars were chosen.

Why exactly?

Was there any discussion about this before? It’s pretty obvious if your DM was spending ££ on a first car for her GC that there would be a huge discrepancy coming SD way

YANBU but considering how long she’s been family I’d probably have given your sis a heads up about this

I'm not saying she should give her the money, I'm saying there should have been a conversation with her sister years ago.

I personally find it irritating that people insist step family members be treated exactly the same. At the end of the day the OP is NOT related to this girl. Her sister could divorce tomorrow and the girl would be nothing to her. The sister chose to engage in a blended family - the rest of her family did not. And from the sounds of it the girls mother can afford to subsidise a car but chooses not to and she will have a grandmother on her father’s side too. That’s just life. Not everyone can be or should be treated the same

I wish someone would have sent me £100 for passing my test. I got a “congratulations, well done” 🤷🏻‍♀️