Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

She has a whole other family potentially whole other set of grandparents and whole other parent who she spends half the time with. So no it isn’t on OP and her mum to buy the car and insurance

While the step-daughter may be, and should be, treated the same by your sister, the relationship is different with you and your mum. In my eyes anyway. I wouldn’t be buying my sister’s step-daughter a car either, if she splits with the dad you’ll likely never see her again. Unless you are particularly close to her, I don’t think it’s odd at all - she obvs has her own mum, family etc. What is more odd is your sister’s grabby attitude..

No you’re not being unreasonable your sisters step child has a whole other family that can help with a car and insurance. Stick to your guns and don’t change your mind. It’s a lot of money also.

What a bizarre family setup

Im a step child, am now in my late 30s but have had the same step mum since I was 4. We are really close, saw her today actually after she drove 1.5 hours to visit me. Same step dad since I was 10. Again we are very close. Love them both a lot. Am also very close to step siblings as in still have sleep overs at my step sisters house as adults and choose to go on holiday together frequently. Their children call me aunty. See them as my siblings. Would never expect to be treated the same as my step siblings by their extended family as I have my own extended family on both sides. Would always receive token gifts and felt happy to be accepted and thought about by step parents wider family, never expected it though. As an adult I still receive gifts and give gifts to step parents extended family but not expensive gifts, more little tokens of thought and love.

Would maybe feel different if i lived full time with one parent and a step parent and didn't have another parent / atep parent or family i was part of...however I will never know, and doesnt seem to be OPs wider family situation either.

Your brother. SD’s mum and dad should pitch in and get her what they think she should have. To put that expectation on you and your mum is unreasonable

the precedent your mum set was a grandchild being bought a car by the grandmother. So following this pattern, the step grandchild in question should have been bought a car by her biological grandmother. And the insurance paid for by her biological aunt,

I suspect your sister has been telling her stepdaughter that she’ll be getting a car and now is embarrassed.

I agree with you and your mum.

I think the children should be treated the same. The SD will remember she isn’t considered ‘part of your family’

As a step child with half and step siblings. I disagree.

A good parent will raise their child to understand the different family dynamics a well rounded child will understand that they have family members the others don’t and in reverse. They will all understand and times their sibling (half step other) will get things they don’t from their own family.

A bad parent raised their child to expect and feel entitled too other peoples families wealth and time rather than be happy that they give more than often their own family does. That’s a failure on the parent not the child or the “step” family.

edit to add

its always then the step family is well off in comparison. Funny enough as well. Nobody is arguing over a £39 vs £45 Lego but when a step family can afford more suddenly everyone’s gold digging and grabby.

🙄

Here you go.

At bare minimum, Dsis was wrong to make assumptions.

There is a big difference between £14,000 , or £28,000 if you cost it out for both the boys, and £100!

I think between you you could have been a bit lot more generous to a child you have known for 11 years and watched grow up as a part of your family. Maybe between you you could have offered the insurance costs as you did with the boys.

If I was your sister, then I’d do my best to get her on the road and it might mean one of the boys missing out on something to level the playing field.

That didn't quite hit the way you thought it would did it? 😂Love it when a bit of crappy manipulation falls flat.

YANBU @SheLovesThat you don't need to do the same. Your SD is old enough to understand why.

Well i wouldn't have given anything to any of them (maybe a card and a petrol voucher for like 30 quid if i was feeling flush).

I absolutely wouldn't expect you or tou mother to spend an equal amount on your step-niece as you have on your biological nephews... BUT I do find the disparity glaring. £100 if she was new to the family would be generous, but she's been part of the family for the vast majority of her life. I think maybe you could have stretched a bit further so the divide wasn't so obvious. Do you spend vastly less on her at birthdays and Christmas?

I do however think your sister is a CF for even bringing it up though and even moreso re the will conversation. I have a step-child and I don't EXPECT anyone to treat him the same as my biological kids... but i also don't think I could personally warrant a difference in spend by £1900 if it were me spending on my siblings stepkids.

Has your sister ever insinuated before that she expected your help with her stepdaughter?

I agree it's not really reasonable for your Mum to pay £12k for a car or you £2k for insurance but £100 each is a bit mean if this girl has been in your life for 12 years that's most of her life. I would have at least given £250 or in your Mum's case £1k.

I wish there was an eye roll button. No one is obliged to do anything… my point is that is the kind and loving thing to do is to treat step-children the same.

So not similar to the op’s situation at all

OP has said She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her.

It's ridiculous to expect a grandparent to treat a daughter's step child who she doesn't see often, in the same way that she treats her grandchildren, who she sees much more often and is closer to.

No but they didn’t do that for their biological nieces.

You’ll be told you aren’t being unreasonable…they don’t see step kids as real people with feelings on here, but I think if you can reasonably afford it and it isn’t going to impact your finances then you should do it.

The step daughter is family, and by not treating her like her siblings (because they are siblings even if they don’t have the same mum), you are drawing a line in the sand with her. It could change your whole family dynamics for the sake of refusing to see her as a real neice

She's not thier grandchild though. She's thier daughters husbands daughter. Why on earth would she be treated the same?

Do her grandparents spend the save on Ops nephews as thier granddaughter? I really doubt it.

Did that extend to them buying you a car or a gift of similar value?