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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

187 replies

SheLovesThat · Yesterday 18:20

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · Yesterday 21:10

SheLovesThat · Yesterday 20:54

Because my sister is ignoring both of us so yes, we!

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I say enjoy the peace. Your sister sounds like a troublemaker. If your step-niece was at your house, happily, just yesterday then that's all that really matters. Your sister needs to grow up.

Original poster
SheLovesThat · Yesterday 21:10

nomas · Yesterday 20:57

What was the will discussion? Is your sister expecting her DSD to get an equal share?

Do you have children? It’s not fair if you don’t and mum doesn’t leave you anything.

Edited
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My mum has made her will so that almost everything goes to her bio GC. My sister has 2 children, I have 2 children and my brother has 2 children (and a step child but he understands that step kids are different when it comes to big gifts and wills so is fine with it)

My sister thinks her step daughter should get an equal share of my mums will.

OP posts:
jesseK · Yesterday 21:06

Did the stepdaughter's relatives offer to buy cars or insurance for your nephews. I guess not- this blended family business usually only seems to work one way.

Niktok · Yesterday 21:03

This is wild. You’ve made a rod for your own backs here, but that kid has been part of the family for more than half her life. It’s pretty shitty to make her feel different now. It doesn’t sound like you’re all short of money and I think it’s quite mean to leave her out

LoftyCoralBird · Yesterday 20:58

I think you're 100% correct. A small cash gift is perfect and the expectation her blood relatives band together for a car (although it’s not the norm to gift cars)

Sunsunsuns · Yesterday 20:58

Let your sister ignore you.
Let her off.
She's an entitled CF.
What you and your mother choose to do for your adult nephews is actually none of her business.

nomas · Yesterday 20:57

SheLovesThat · Yesterday 20:54

Because my sister is ignoring both of us so yes, we!

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What was the will discussion? Is your sister expecting her DSD to get an equal share?

Do you have children? It’s not fair if you don’t and mum doesn’t leave you anything.

saraclara · Yesterday 20:57

No doubt the girl's mother would consider it overstepping, if OP 's mum had bought her daughter a £12k car. And that would be another Mumsnet thread

Somethinggg · Yesterday 20:57

NotrialNodeal · Yesterday 20:50

And the OP would still get the silent treatment as its 'not the same'.

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Yeah, from what OP has said there isn't scope for compromise here.

nomas · Yesterday 20:56

Ponoka7 · Yesterday 20:52

There's that, 'we' again. Three/four years ago your Mum had enough money to buy two cars. As said, it's a huge drop to just £100.

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Because it’s not their grand child or niece!

You can’t force people to treat your adult step children like you want them to!

nomoremsniceperson · Yesterday 20:55

So instead of being immensely grateful for the £28000 you and your mum have spent on her sons, your sister is in a huff because you won't cough up a further 14000 for a child who isn't actually related to you?
This child has 2 parents, it's their responsibility to pay between them. Your sister saved a lot of money due to your generous gifts, she could have put some of that aside for her SD, but she didn't. That's not your fault.

Original poster
SheLovesThat · Yesterday 20:54

Ponoka7 · Yesterday 20:52

There's that, 'we' again. Three/four years ago your Mum had enough money to buy two cars. As said, it's a huge drop to just £100.

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Because my sister is ignoring both of us so yes, we!

OP posts:
Somethinggg · Yesterday 20:54

nomas · Yesterday 20:37

If the niece is expecting a £12k car and £2k insurance, then yes, she has been made grabby by her dad and step-mum.

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Being fair to the niece, OP says there's no indication DN does have any expectations. The entitlement is from Dsis. Wonder if she's told her partner DSD is line for a free car too?

Femalemachinest · Yesterday 20:53

I dont think you did anything wrong. I have a "step mum" and "step brothers". They have both parents, me and my brother only have 1. She used to compare us to her sons when my dad bought us things but they had 2 parents. "My son's wouldnt get that", they would just split from both parents so she wouldnt see it, where as she saw everything we got.

As your sisters step daughter has her mums side of the family in her life I think the £100 is a nice gesture.

Ponoka7 · Yesterday 20:52

SheLovesThat · Yesterday 20:36

We have also given her money at the start of September for her 18th.

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There's that, 'we' again. Three/four years ago your Mum had enough money to buy two cars. As said, it's a huge drop to just £100.

NotrialNodeal · Yesterday 20:50

caringcarer · Yesterday 19:34

I agree it's not really reasonable for your Mum to pay £12k for a car or you £2k for insurance but £100 each is a bit mean if this girl has been in your life for 12 years that's most of her life. I would have at least given £250 or in your Mum's case £1k.

And the OP would still get the silent treatment as its 'not the same'.

Widoeeyes · Yesterday 20:46

The thing is. She actually isn’t part of their family. She has her own

LondonLass2026 · Yesterday 20:42

Why did you even do it for the boys? That's so odd. If you did it for them, you should do it for the girl. Stepdaughter or not.

Widoeeyes · Yesterday 20:41

Some people on here are so bloody entitled. The girl is a step niece / step grandchild. I wouldn’t want to be obliged to the kid of every person someone in my family shacked up with

Whyherewego · Yesterday 20:38

I agree with PP that the disparity is a bit stark.
A conversation with your sister would have been good in advance to say that you are not proposing to buy a car / insurance because dsd has a wider family who can be contributing to her car fund. But you would like to contribute and I'd have said a generous sum, a fair bit more than £100. Maybe £500 or something.

nomas · Yesterday 20:37

Leopardspota · Yesterday 19:22

Ive said this so many time… I was this girl once, and my step dad’s sister and her husband (my ‘aunt and uncle’) treated me and my sister the exact same and as step dad’s daughters. I had my own dad and other family too. I messaged my uncle recently to thank him for being so wonderful to us, they always made me feels so welcome and loved. He replied saying of course they treated us the same, we were great kids etc etc.

I think you aren’t obliged to do anything you don’t want to. But the feeling of rejection or love and acceptance will stay with your step niece. It’s not being grabby and entitled, it’s much more than that.

If the niece is expecting a £12k car and £2k insurance, then yes, she has been made grabby by her dad and step-mum.

Original poster
SheLovesThat · Yesterday 20:36

familyissues12345 · Yesterday 20:32

Yeah personally these are the issues to me too.

Theres a huge difference between several thousand and full insurance and £100.

I can understand no one wishing, or maybe being able to afford to totally replicate what the boys were given, but for it to be so different is a bit sad

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We have also given her money at the start of September for her 18th.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · Yesterday 20:32

SixAndJuliet · Yesterday 18:57

This is true. You and your mum started this only 3-4 years ago knowing that SD would be missing out. £14k value to each of them, £100 to her. Ok she’s not blood but that’s putting her right in her place.

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Yeah personally these are the issues to me too.

Theres a huge difference between several thousand and full insurance and £100.

I can understand no one wishing, or maybe being able to afford to totally replicate what the boys were given, but for it to be so different is a bit sad

ExcitableCat · Yesterday 20:32

Cant imagine why you wouldn’t treat all your sisters kids the same. She may well be a step child but has been in the family a long time. Youre just creating division. Poor kid 🤦🏻‍♀️

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 20:31

These messy situations seem to come up a lot on Mn, and they are so predictable!

I think it would have been best to say something when you made the decision only to do this for the boys.

It’s cheeky of them to expect anything but of course far too late for them to start saving for DSD now