Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

These disadvantages are not for the stepfamily to resolve. That’s for her own parent to resolve; they caused the differences.

I agree. Some people are just vile. Some of these comments are vile. People dont see the amount of crap step children have to deal with and it stays with them for life. To pass a pittance of £100 when someone has been in your life 11 years. Do you keep her out of photos too

Eh? Is it?
My parents bought me my first car back in the early 2000s. In fact, I think most my friends had their first car bought for them. Granted, I’m talking £800-1000 bangers, rather than the £12k being mentioned by the OP.

I’m not sure young people today could afford to set themselves up with driving with funds from a part-time job. I’ve not looked at prices myself, but Google suggests:
For an 18-year-old getting on the road with a 12-year-old car, your total first-year setup cost will typically range between £5,300 and £8,800.

If you take the mid point of £6500, a young person will have to work 12 hours a week (presumably alongside studies) just to fund driving. There would be no money for phone, gym, socialising, etc.

I don’t think many can do it without a little help; it’s just the level of that help varies from family to family.

My niece is not my biological niece but I treat her exactly the same way as I do my nephew (her younger brother). I wouldn’t dream of not doing so, as far as I’m concerned she’s my niece. I wouldn’t however spend £2k on insurance for them!!!

My niece calls us Auntie & Uncle ( she’s still young enough to do so!) and I love that we are part of her life. To me it’s irrelevant she has other family as to her and us we are her family.

i think you should have explained this first to set expectations as it shouldn’t have been expected. But I do think it should be equal!

This is like the other thread about a new born dgd fast forward twenty years.
I don’t think you have to treat step relations the same. I think your sister isn’t only thinking about new cars she also now realises there won’t be the same uni help or inheritance. Probably being instigated by her dh.

It's just amazing how people these days can't just do something nice because they have the financial ability to do so. People bang on about giving to charity or what they would do if they won heaps in the lottery but in situations like these when they have the opportunity to do something without winning a lottery they just don't

Your child's step-child is not the same thing as your own grandchild and there is no reason a grandparent needs to treat them the same if they don't want to. The grandparent is not the one who created this situation anymore than the stepchild is. My sister has a stepson, and while he is a member of her family and her husband's extended family, there has never been any expectation that we, my sister's extended family, would treat him as a nephew. He has his own maternal family. He's grown up perfectly happy, normal and well adjusted surrounded by his own loving family, to which I do not belong. I don't think it has ever even crossed his mind, my sister's mind, or her husband's mind to resent the fact that I don't think of myself as his aunt.

Do you think your sister's husband might be behind this?

For the cars, I would have treated them the same. Not for the will. Your mum could easily have shared that money between 3.

If your mum is so well off she can afford to spend £24k on two cars for her grandsons, I think it's a bit mean to not do anything for her step-granddaughter.

She may not be a blood relative, but she is still family.

Be nicer is always easy to say when it is it other peoples money, or time

I would agree with you. She’s not your relative in the same way your nephews are. You’ve been kind to buy her a Xmas present every year. I assume her mother bought her Xmas presents?

Did her mother buy your nephews Christmas presents? If not has your sister called her out for not treating her kids the same way she treats her own kid? I suspect the answer is no and understandably so because she will say the girls mother has no relationship with the boys. But maybe then she will realise that her step daughter gets things the nephews don’t and she has other people in her life who can take responsibility for the big purchases.

Yes and she also has the disadvantage of a split family, and the financial disadvantage that we know for certain comes with that. And then to learn that she is considered “less than”.

Be nicer.

Considering my Auntie once returned something to Poundland for a refund, YANBU

Id be devastated if my step children were treated differently to my own. This thread has definitely made me think to have these conversations before we get to big present time.

To avoid hurting a child who's been part of the family since she was 7?

Her nephews could vanish overnight 🤷‍♀️ also OP pays insurance, it was £1200 for my sons first year last year.

If your sister got another new family you wouldn’t need to do it for the new ones, because they wouldn’t have seen the siblings getting stuff so wouldn’t be being sidelined and treated like less than.

making up hypotheticals doesn’t change things. You could have made an effort for your niece - you didn’t have to, there was no obligation, but by not making the effort you’ve basically said she is less than, and not really family. It’s just a bit sad to me

To me it makes a difference that your step-niece doesn't live with your sister full-time, and that you imply that you and your mum don't have a close relationship with her.

I have nephews and nieces, and couldn't afford to have given them lump sums in the way you and your mum have done for your nephews. (Kudos to you both for doing that!) I did pay a small amount into savings accounts for each of them from when they were babies until they were 18yo. Would I have done the same if a step-child had joined my sibling's family at a young age? I honestly don't know. But quite possibly I wouldn't have done so if the step-child was living half the time with their other biological parent.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. And I hope your sister comes to see it your way too - especially given the info about her stepson who has disappeared from all your lives.

Have you seen the price of used cars? Especially if they are 21/22 means it was post covid when they passed and it was around the time of the part shortage which was causing used cars to skyrocket. One of my children is similar age and I spent 10k on their 6 year old car yet it cost me 7k to get a similar 2 year old car for their sibling pre covid/part shortage.

My friends daughter got a 16k car after passing, nothing wrong with giving a nice reliable car if you can afford it.

As for the OP, I believe the households the blended children live in should treat all the children equally, I don’t think this has to extend to extended family, that’s for the extended family to choose.

Your sister is entitled and rude, the silent treatment proves this.

The girls mother might not want her being given a car. It’s not your call. Very presumptive of your sister to assume.

YANBU.

When sd has gifts and holidays off moms side of the family do they send the same for nephews?
Didn’t think so.