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Original poster

Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

461 replies

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

OP posts:
LondonPapa · Yesterday 16:32

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

Fellow dad, I have actively ensured the disruptive child does not get invited. Harsh but best for all.

EarthSight · Yesterday 16:30

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions

You have an incredibly easy get-out-of jail card here. It's harsh, but don't invite him. It doesn't even sound like he even enjoys it that much - maybe a case of his mother dragging him along?

@TheJoyousHiker No, but in life, you need to prioritise your own child which sometimes involves making difficult and unpleasant decisions, and putting your own child's needs first. Sometimes, it's just not possible to do that and keep everyone happy.

Furthermore, it's quite unbelievable that you would not take his violent toward her more seriously, but instead suggest that the OP is nasty for not inviting him. It shows what is wrong with our society and the wishes or hurt feelings of a boy are taken more seriously than the girl he's already been violent to.

Girls learn important lessons at a young age about what they should accept or not accept - think about that.

DaftFunk · Yesterday 16:29

I wouldn’t do whole class party regardless. Ask her to pick her closest friends and invite them.

Hazyjaneishere · Yesterday 16:28

It’s a shame that the parent doesn’t see that parties aren’t a good environment for him. I’d probably go with making it a girls only party to avoid the drama. It would be cruel to single him out like that.

thestudio · Yesterday 16:26

If you get pushback from her

"I'm sorry, but he's violent, and that's my hard line."

BerryTwister · Yesterday 16:26

LittleMi55Nobody · Yesterday 16:25

.my lovely asd son never ever got asked to parties and it broke my heart..maybe ask his parents to stay

Show quote history

@LittleMi55Nobody from reading the OP, the boy’s Mum was there, but didn’t handle it well at all.

LittleMi55Nobody · Yesterday 16:25

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

.my lovely asd son never ever got asked to parties and it broke my heart..maybe ask his parents to stay

EnjoythemoneyJane · Yesterday 16:22

You’ve done the right thing, OP. Your message was entirely fair, despite the barracking you’re getting from a few posters here. Hope your daughter has a lovely party.

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 16:19

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:18

It's an especially poor excuse when other neurodiverse children will also be the victims and suffer from bad behaviour!

You exclude all the boys, so another boy with SEN will be excluded and miss out on the party he was looking forward to. Maybe one of the few he would have attended, because he's more friends with girls than boys in his class. But hey, let's exclude him , do not mix boys and girls as a lazy option!

On which planet is that fair.

Show quote history

Agree. A good analysis.

Createausername1970 · Yesterday 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If she believes her small son can go through life trashing parties and hurting other children then she does need a reality check. What are her plans when he is teenager, taller and heavier than her?

She is not helping him by not addressing it and just allowing him to carry on.

I speak as a parent of an ND child who wasn't often included.

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:18

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 16:14

This. Neurodiversity isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour and it’s never too early to learn that if you behave badly to other people they won’t like you.

Show quote history

It's an especially poor excuse when other neurodiverse children will also be the victims and suffer from bad behaviour!

You exclude all the boys, so another boy with SEN will be excluded and miss out on the party he was looking forward to. Maybe one of the few he would have attended, because he's more friends with girls than boys in his class. But hey, let's exclude him , do not mix boys and girls as a lazy option!

On which planet is that fair.

Balloonhearts · Yesterday 16:16

He isn't being excluded because he's autistic, he's being excluded because of his behaviour. Autism is a reason for their difficulties, not an excuse not to parent them.

My youngest is autistic. I do not allow her to be violent or to scream at people. I would not take her to parties where she would be overstimulated. It's not fair on her or anyone else.

Girls do not have to always make allowances for violent males whatever the cause.

SirenScream · Yesterday 16:16

tomWh · Yesterday 15:07

I have sent the message, at least this way she knows and I will of course be mindful when arranging for the invites to be handed out, it's a difficult situation no matter what decision I ended on but ultimately I don't want to exclude half a class because one child can't behave, thay will upset some people but it's one day out of a whole year and I want my daughter to enjoy it without violence and drama.

I support your decision @tomWh

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · Yesterday 16:15

SockPlant · Yesterday 13:52

Call the mum. Explain that he can come if she is on him like glue and at the first sign of anything you will ask them both to leave.

Be firm. Tell her the last party was ruined and you don't want that for your DDs party, but that you also want to give him a chance to learn how to behave in social situations. Be kind. Be clear. Be very firm.

Absolutely this!

Or approach her in the same vein and say you don’t agree with leaving kids out but you will not under any circumstances have your daughters party ruined.

Then be very clear - any sign of poor behaviour and you will be asked to leave immediately.

I would also say if you don’t think your son can handle the party it is fine he doesn’t go either.

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:14

AgnesMcDoo · Yesterday 15:56

Because it’s the simplest way not
to be the arsehole who excludes the boy with SEN

and its it’s got feck all to do with girls and boys being unequal and you know it

Show quote history

I don't know anything, it's just you who decides that you are ok with separating boys and girls.

No one is an "arsehole" for not inviting a bully. It's irrelevant what the issues are, parents should put their own child first, and nothing is worst than teaching girls (or boys) that they should tolerate violence because they have "to be kind".

It's not ok. We need to stop sending the message that it's an acceptable thing to do.

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 16:14

Hadenough32 · Yesterday 13:50

I don't understand why people think this. If the kid isn't excluded then he and his mum will never learn. He needs to behave more acceptably at social events or not get invited.

Show quote history

This. Neurodiversity isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour and it’s never too early to learn that if you behave badly to other people they won’t like you.

BerryTwister · Yesterday 16:13

I left out one boy for DS’s 5th birthday party, while inviting all the other boys and most of the girls in the class.

DS was adamant he didn’t want this one boy. The boy didn’t have SEN or any known behavioural problems, but he was the oldest and biggest in the year and DS was the youngest and smallest, and he used to push DS around and be generally mean to him.

So I just didn’t invite him. I don’t know if he or his parents ever knew. The party came and went, and I forgot all about it. By the end of primary school they got on well together, and they still do now, as young adults.

My advice would be to not invite this disruptive child, but I would also try and avoid making the giving of invitations too obvious. That’s just asking for trouble.

JoshLymanSwagger · Yesterday 16:12

@tomWh I'd do what you have done. I would exclude him because of the violence my child and her classmates have suffered. Why should your daughter have her party ruined?

I hope your DD has a lovely day and enjoys her party. 🎈🎁🎂

Swanned · Yesterday 16:12

tomWh · Yesterday 16:01

I will gladly be an arsehole if it means my kid gets a birthday party free of violence and gets to enjoy herself on her special day, it's not the boys fault he has the mother that he does, there will be a little girl with autism at thr party because she has a mum who parents her and doesn't hide behind autism as an excuse for violent and bad behaviour.

Show quote history

You’ve done the right thing.

The mum shouldn’t have needed to be told, so if her nose is put out, that’s on her.

As much as you all can understand her reasons for wanting to include her son, she should also understand the reasons for not including him - parties cost a great deal and the birthday person deserves a party without her son causing chaos.
Her actions have been selfish and you’ve put a stop to it.

ADHDAnnie · Yesterday 16:11

Don't invite him. Tough shit if he's upset. We don't always have to #bekind when it's at the direct detriment of ourselves or someone we love. The behaviour you described this child as exhibiting is not acceptable.

SEN is a reason for certain behaviours, but not an excuse and it's unreasonable of the mum not to manage her child's behaviour appropriately.

Frankly the fact he has been aggressive towards your daughter is reason enough, without all the additional stuff you describe.

You could limit numbers to say, half the class, and let your daughter choose who to invite. But why should other children miss out because of this boy and his useless mother?

I hope your daughter has a lovely party.

Secondaryschool2027 · Yesterday 16:09

Gloriia · Yesterday 15:16

Its not so much excluding more using some common sense and showing some awareness. Whole class parties are not mandatory. Surely she has friends out of school too?

Anyway message sent great, sure you've made her day. Well done you.

I wonder how you'll feel if another parent messages you to critique your dc's behaviour?

Show quote history

Can you explain why the feelings of the child with autism should trump what the OPs child wants to do on her special day?

You're very triggered and angry about it - have you had some personal experience of this?

bellhawk · Yesterday 16:09

You could speak to the parents about removing the child if they get upset, but given they have never done so before I think you may be talking to a brick wall.

I never had 'all class' parties growing up, and it didn't impact my relationships with others in the class. Maybe just invite who your daughter is closest to?

Floatingdownriver · Yesterday 16:07

I think you’ve done the right thing. If nothing else but because it sounds like the poor boy can’t cope with such big events.

EverMerge · Yesterday 16:07

tomWh · Yesterday 15:21

And my child and every other child in the class is living it, terrified of his violent outbursts, autism is not a free pass to destroy every child's birthday.

Show quote history

I work in a class with about 3 very violent children. I work hard and they work hard and we’re doing ok. Inclusion is forced. You don’t need to bring it into your daughter’s life.

The message you have sent is perfect. I would have done exactly the same. Anyone objecting is putting another child’s needs above their own. You are not responsible for anyone’s child. Only your own.

AgnesMcDoo · Yesterday 16:06

tomWh · Yesterday 16:01

I will gladly be an arsehole if it means my kid gets a birthday party free of violence and gets to enjoy herself on her special day, it's not the boys fault he has the mother that he does, there will be a little girl with autism at thr party because she has a mum who parents her and doesn't hide behind autism as an excuse for violent and bad behaviour.

Show quote history

you didn’t even have the guts to speak to the parent before you sent that awful email