Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Looks like the child's mother found the thread ...

Me too.

This says far more about you then it does the OP.

this

we wouldn't want to put him in situations where he becomes this dysregulated

Exactly, and thank you. His tantrums/meltdowns are the result of extreme distress. It's crazy to inflict that on a child in an avoidable situation - I mean, you wouldn't insist on a fun party game of 'Stab with sharp knives', would you?!

Try explaining to the parent that it's upsetting for everyone to see him in such pain and you can't, unfortunately, provide a space that would be safe for him.

Wishing you and DD a good day!

You've made the right decision for the right reasons. You sound like a great dad, and I hope the party goes well.

You are doing the right thing. Violence is never ok

Because of parents like this mum, the whole community of ASD parents suffers. The kid’s ASD isn’t the issue, his behaviour is. But other autistic kids won’t be invited to things because people will worry about the chaos and lax parenting, even though there are many more responsible parents and well behaved kids

Reported.

Don't invite him. And don't change the party numbers either. If your daughter wants the rest of the class there then so be it.

Inclusion should not mean that everyone else has to suffer.

what a horrible and nasty post

I don't understand why MNHQ allow people to be that nasty.

I completely support your approach. No one wants to upset a child but it’s just not fair on the others. If the mum was aware and open to removing him that’s different but sadly the world should not have to put 19 children’s enjoyment at risk for one.

I disagree with this. My dd didn't want one boy at her 7th birthday party, so we didn't invite him. No biggie. Except his mum brought him along anyway! OP, if you don't want him there, that's fine. Put your daughter and her feelings first.
Edited to add I've seen your updates OP. Right decision. I hope your daughter has a fab party.

I also like how you are teaching your DD boundaries and not to be a people pleaser.

One thing I’ve learnt in life is that other women my age who “know their worth”, i.e. have firm boundaries and are easy at using the word “no”, have a much easier life than I do.

Keep up the good work with your DD op.

Life's tough. Don't invite him.

Your message is fine. As the parent of a child who also sometimes missed out due to ND behaviour, it's shit for them, but it shouldn't ruin everyone else's experience. At least you've been up front and honest with it.

Well done for handling it this way. And ignore the man haters/be kind regardless of the impact on anyone else brigade on here.

He clearly finds parties stressful. His Mum is at fault for insisting he attends.

I would just not invite him. You can try speaking to the mother, it must be hard for her and would be more polite. But it sounds like you anticipate she'll kick off and it's fine if you just don't want to deal with that.

If your DD only plays with other girls, a girls only party is probably going to be more fun for her and could be a way to doge the issue. But if she plays with boys too it's a pretty terrible message to send to her that those friends are Other.

Edited: Sorry, realise this is out of date. Must learn to refresh screen after a long break.

You’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place. At the end of the day you’ve dealt with it. No offence, but most men wouldn’t have cared about upsetting them. My DH would just say he wasn’t coming and he’d give it no further thought.

I have been to parties in the past where the mum has tried to change what happens. One mum asked for the movie (the birthday boys favourite and the theme) at a party to be changed as her son didn’t like it, and asked for a different flavour cake (not due to allergies) as her DC didn’t like that flavour. I mean, who acts like this? If the party is not to your liking, don’t go!

Now that I’m older I look back at these issues and regret being such a people pleaser. My initial response to your dilemma was to not invite him and you don’t need to explain yourself due to his violence.

This is a reasonable text. I work in schools and have come across the full range of need and awareness from parents. Of course it’s awful that the child is left out, but given you have solid evidence that mum won’t immediately remove him when he is hurting other children, I don’t think you have another option. Inclusion isn’t about making everyone else suffer.

Nasty comment. Why be so bitchy to someone who is clearly just asking for advise? Bloke hater by any chance?

Fellow dad, I have actively ensured the disruptive child does not get invited. Harsh but best for all.

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions

You have an incredibly easy get-out-of jail card here. It's harsh, but don't invite him. It doesn't even sound like he even enjoys it that much - maybe a case of his mother dragging him along?

@TheJoyousHiker No, but in life, you need to prioritise your own child which sometimes involves making difficult and unpleasant decisions, and putting your own child's needs first. Sometimes, it's just not possible to do that and keep everyone happy.

Furthermore, it's quite unbelievable that you would not take his violent toward her more seriously, but instead suggest that the OP is nasty for not inviting him. It shows what is wrong with our society and the wishes or hurt feelings of a boy are taken more seriously than the girl he's already been violent to.

Girls learn important lessons at a young age about what they should accept or not accept - think about that.

I wouldn’t do whole class party regardless. Ask her to pick her closest friends and invite them.