Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Personally I would have worded it differently to explain you are hosting your DDs party and as her son struggled so much at the last party ask which parts are suitable for him or whether they could be modified (no music maybe for the first 30 mins) or whether he would like to sit it out.
It sounds difficult as she is going to be more than aware her child isn't confirming but this isn't the case of a naughty child. The school also have to gather evidence before they can look at getting a EHCP and funding for a TA for him which can be a long process.

The behaviour is BECAUSE of his disability. Some autistic children literally have no control in the moment they get overwhelmed.

I can say it's taken me years to recognise my all the triggers my son has, and watch his micro-mannerisms to tell how things are likely going to go with a situation. None of which was due to poor parenting. I am very happy to say that for the most part now he manages situations and mainstream schooling very well, that wasn't always the case.

Behaviour is communication for some autistic children. I think there was a kinder middle ground to invite him since it's a whole class party but make the mum clear his previous behaviour has been upsetting and if he gets overwhelmed it is expected she remove him, or if she feels that's not something he would cope with, don't bring him. Or have a smaller party.

No hun. Don't talk to the school about party invites. Talk to school about alleged violent behaviour.

Thank God in our day kids either got invited or didn't. Parents didn't take it upon themselves to message parents about how badly their dc behaved.

👏👏👏

Agreed, this is brilliant advice.

You can if he’s violent , badly behaved and unable to cope due to his autism.

If your child is regularly violent to others and ruins birthday parties and you don't voluntarily remove them - you're a shit parent. And you're setting your children up for a very lonely life because no-one else is going to put up with it and once they get big enough - they'll start finding out that people hit back.

Well said!!👏

Generally, I wouldn’t be okay with not inviting only one kid in the whole class, but in this specific circumstance – class of 20, don’t want to leave out boys because daughter’s close friend is a boy, uninvited boy has a history of actual violence at parties – I think you’ve done as well as can be expected with a bad situation. I think texting his mother as opposed to calling her was a good idea too. This way, there’s a record of what exactly you said to her if she gets upset and misrepresents to other people what you said, and it allows her to have a private reaction to the news that her son isn’t invited.

Too right!!

I'd talk to the Mum but say something slightly different. I'd say that you are aware that the party will not be something that her child can cope with and last time you were well aware that it was very distressing for him and for others so for this reason he is not being invited. I don't think its fair to your child to be otherwise and the mother will know why her child is not invited.

If the mother knows her son doesn't cope well at parties, then she shouldn't take him. So this situation IS about the mother he has. Also, this boy is being excluded because of his BEHAVIOUR, not because of his DISABILITY.

Talk to the school about not inviting a violent child to a private birthday party? Why? It’s nothing to do with the school, they don’t get to decide who is invited, or not, to a private event. Don’t teachers already have enough to manage?

Why? Why do all the other kids have to miss out cos of this one child?
I find it bemusing that you and others think this is fair.
Unfortunately there are things that sn children aren't able to partake in You can't just exclude others who can to keep it fair.

@ChocolateCinderToffee I don’t think it’s a very good lesson to teach kids that they should give special treatment to people who hit them.

Very good idea.

Well done you for not including this child. You are excluding him because of his behaviour, not his autism (as you've invited another child with autism, who doesn't behave in the same way). Offering a party bag and cake is absolutely the right gesture.
The class of children have to cope with him enough in school. His mother should accept he can't cope with a party environment and not take him rather than expecting everyone else's day to be ruined. Whilst she may not want him to miss out on things, she has to accept he has to because he can't cope!
My son doesn't have any diagnosis but doesn't cope with certain environments. Noisy parties are a big no, so we just don't take him. He doesn't become disregulated, just miserable.

Absolute cactus behaviour.

It's nothing to do with "the mother he has". You are excluding a child on the basis of a DISABILITY! You could have asked the mum to remove him if he got overwhelmed via a call or discussion.

I'm glad in our school at least if you're not doing a class party and everyone is included, children are not permitted to hand out invitations during the school day.

And I say that as the mother of two children, one NT and one ND. You should walk a mile in our shoes before being so judgemental

You have done the right thing.

Your little girl has the right to a lovely birthday party with all of her friends and you don't need the extra stress.

No one has the right to be invited to a party.

If the mum isn't happy then she needs to ask herself how she would feel if it was her child being hit, hurt and having their party ruined.

I hope you all have a lovely time.

Here here!

Why should he have to invite a child who is violent to his daughter? Just because he is sn?
The op is in the right if a child was violent to mine sn or not damn right they would not be coming to a party.

Vile comment! You’ve completely taken OP’s comment deliberately out of context. The little boy DOES go around hurting other children. The OP has already said what he’s like at school as all the other parents have complained and the school are saying that they are sorting it. The OP does NOT have an issue with him being ND it’s his behaviour that is the an issue. And his mother who obviously has the same attitude as you, is doing nothing to address the issue! And the OP isn’t asking others to back him up, he is asking for opinions on a very awkward situation. If you bothered to read the OP’s first post then you’d see how sensitive he is being to the child. And how dare you use shocking language to the OP like that! Absolutely no need!!! You need to apologise to him!

Oh for goodness sake!

He said he was going to speak to her and then the other posters on here encouraged him to message so he has evidence of what he actually said in case the mum kicks off and starts making claims.

It seems the poor bloke can't do right whatever he does - in this thread he's been attacked for stating he's a dad; accused of wanting praise for organising a party; insulted; been called a coward; and more...

All because he's worried about a violent child assaulting his daughter at her own birthday party, while being compassionate towards the violent child because he has SEN and a enabling mother.

I would make a whatsapp group and message the parents of the children you want to invite. I don’t know anyone that hands out invites anymore.

You don’t have to invite him (I wouldn’t), but it would be mean to hand actual invitations to every kid but him.

She shouldn’t let her child go to events where he destroys all the other children’s enjoyment. Not only that he’s so violent he is hitting children and pulling their hair. His mother is at fault for subjecting other children to her uncontrollable child.

Having a disability doesn’t give you the right to spoil other children’s birthday parties.